I'm knew HopeCube, and I really hope someone here will be able to help me out.

I have an extreme fear of germs and bacteria and catching a disease. Whenever I see or hear something about people dying of a disease or some new virus that's popped up, I think to myself "what if that happens to me?" "what then?".

I'm very morbid, and am always mentally prepaird for death it seems. I've comtemplated committing suicide many times and cut myself very often. My parents found cuts on my wrists, so I stopped for a while (2 months) but I couldn't take it anymore and started again, this time on my stomach and abdomin. To my friends, I appear very confident and they consider me their "leader", but inside, I'm always hurting, and it feels as though I'm being eaten away from the inside out.

Recently, I've realized that one of the reasons I don't want to live anymore is because I'm so very afraid of catching a disease or falling ill when I'm older. I wouldn't be able to live with myself like that and so I think to myself "why not die now, and never have to face it?"

When I look myself in the mirror, I see the most ugle, sluggish being on the face of this planet. The people around me call me beautiful and fit, but I can't see it their way.

I hate myself and I always have, I mean, how can anyone ever like someone who's vain, and selfish and depressed all the time? I want to cry so badly, but the tears never flow. Even now, as I look at myself in third-person view from my mind, I don't feel worthy of asking for help, of staying alive, when I know the world hates me.

I try so hard to be nice to my friends and to protect them, but I almost always end up harming them in some way. I don't deserve this life. I'm too foul to stay in this world. There isn't anyone who'd help me anyways.

I need some help, I'm desperate for even someone to say "hello"

Thanks for reading this, it helps.