I'm very ashamed and embarrased to have to write this all out, but I'm at a point that I don't know where else to turn.
Of course, like everyone else, there is a long story to it, but I'll try to be as brief as possible. My life over the past 2 years has been very hard...I lost someone I was close with (an ex boyfriend) to cancer, had a major surgery myself that I'm still recovering from (almost a year later), and have not been myself at all. For many years I've had weight issues...and about a year and a half ago I had "finally" got very close to meeting my ideal weight goal. Then during the months I was with my friend going through his cancer with him, I just stopped working out and caring so much for myself as I had before. It just didn't seem as important with what I was seeing was happening to my friend...what was a little weight problem, right? Plus over the months my workouts dropped down drastically because I just was not physically able to do them as I used to because of my surgery. SO..end result is, I gained back about 55 pounds of the 100 I had lost. Here's where my lies start. -- about five months ago I met a man online and started talking with him. I have not dated anyone at all over the past few years, as I was concentrating so much on bettering myself. I didn't expect anything to happen at all when I first talked with this man -- but it did. Not soon after we first talked we started talking every day, many times. I've told him so much about my life, my past, past relationships and different pains I've gone through because of them. We've planned to meet several times in person (we live in different states), and each time I've come up with one reason or another why I couldn't. A few of them were complete truths, but a few others were small truths hidden under one big lie - which is me. This man has seen pictures of me, but ones where I look 45-50 pounds lighter then what I actually am. He's almost broke up with me several times because he is tired of waiting to meet, and thinks I put everyone/everything first in my life before him (( because that is what I've led him to believe is the truth )). Each time he wanted to end things I would convince him to stay with me, and honestly I'm shocked he has been able to this long. Now I'm sitting here and I've done it once again, told him I would meet him, and trying to come up with another 'excuse/lie' out of it, but where I can still be with him. I know it's very selfish and so wrong, but I keep thinking if I can just keep him interested in me enough, then when I'm ready - after I've lost the weight I need to, where I look like how I did in the pics he's seen, then we can meet and everything will be great. We really do get along great, and he tells me he thinks I am his soulmate, and that he's never told any other woman that, even the one he was married to before.
I know if I were to meet him in person right now he would be very disappointed and reject me, and I know I might deserve that, but I am not emotionally strong enough to handle that at all. I got so down about all this that last week I was having thoughts of suicide, because my weight, and that being the reason I feel like I'm not able to live my life as I want so badly to right now. It's so hard because I worked SO hard to loose the weight and for once in my life I felt so beautiful and attractive... Now I sit here crying and feeling like I'm not myself at all, and having to "hide" from someone I truly care for. I know what I have done is wrong, and that lies are wrong, especially when you are in a relationship. What I'm not sure of is what do I do now? Should I just give him another 'excuse' about why we can't meet yet, knowing that will be the end of our relationship now and that he will be hurt and mad and not understand why he isn't important enough to me for me to meet him.. OR do I tell him the ugly truth about my weight -- and then have him know that I've been lying to him all along and how that will let him down and hurt and anger him? Would he be able to forgive me and be patient enough to wait for me to loose the weight -- or just forget me all together and go on with his life? I know everyone always says honesty is the best policy - and in my heart I know that's right -- but I'm just not sure how it will effect me afterwards - and as bad a person as I might seem..I'm not. I've just been hurt a lot, lost a lot, and have very low self-esteem right now. The thought of hearing him sound so disappointed in me hurts so bad... because I'm very disappointed in myself too. -- The past few weeks I have been working on my weight issue more, and I've lost 7 pounds so far... I can lose weight very fast, I just can gain it back even faster.

I know this rambles on a bit, and I am very ashamed to write all this out. I'm hoping and praying I will get some advice, because I greatly need it. Thank you.