[NegaZero]'s Profile
- Sex: Female
- Age: 19
- Location:
Knoxville, TN 37853
Recent Questions [NegaZero] is Interested In
Issues [NegaZero] is Interested In
- Food Addiction - I can't stop eating when I'm sad. I don't understand why...Food makes me happy...especially cheeseburgers and pocky.
- Sex Addiction - Ever since I was raped by my neighbor, I started masturbating. I masturbate to the sickest things, and I hate it, but I can't stop. I feel like I have to sex to write over the wrong with the right...
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome - I've had this condition since I was small and it's been a major issue of me missing so much school. It can be intense at times.
- Anorexia Nervosa - All of my life, I've dealt with my disgust of food and of eating. It seems that the only way I loose weight is by not eating or throwing up anything I do eat. because no matter how disgusted I am by it, I can't help but eat.
- Bipolar Disorder - I was recently diagnosed as bipolar. I have bad mood swings and often mania. My bipolar is mixed with schizophrenia, to make something called schizoid afective (sp?)
- Bulimia Nervosa - I haven't thrown up anything in three months ^^ It's so tempting but I'm doing much better with this. :D I've dealt with this since I was 8 and it's a bad habit. -_-'
- Dependant Personality Disorder (DPD) - I depend on my boyfriend and other people to make my decisions because I believe that I'll never make the right ones. I also depend on other people for immense emotional support.
- Depression - I've been diagnosed with Severe, Reoccurring Major Depression. I hope to get over it though. D:
- Mania - I have a bad problem with mania. I take risks, usually in the form of really stupid things. I clean like mad and can't really stop my thoughts from racing.
- Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - I have to do things right as they are said or it drives me crazy. It drives me insane when people rearrange things, sometimes I have to rearrange things in size...
- Panic Attacks - I have bad panic attacks often. Especially when it feels like I'm being threatened or trying something new.
- Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) - I'm constantly paranoid. I think the minute I turn around all I have will be gone in an instant. I always think people hate me. I always think everyone is out to get me...
- Phobia - I have a fear of everything. Believe me. It's everything. I have a fear of living and a fear of death that are unreasonable to me.
- Schizophrenia - I have some of the tendancies of schizophrenia. Hearing voices and seeing things, apparently. I'm trying to work on not seeing or hearing things, but it's hard to block things out.
- Self-Injury - Ever since I was a small child, I've cut, hit, and scratched myself. Pulling my hair out too, but not so often. I haven't cut in a while...I'm kinda proud of myself. :3
- Social Anxiety Disorder - I have a hard time dealing with going out in public. I always think people are staring at me or talking about me. Or think badly of me...etc.
- Stress - I used to be under massive stress. Not as bad as what it was, but still somewhat bad. I have lots of thoughts and things that pile up. Thinking about my family and the past is very stressful for me.
- Suicide - The first time I tried to kill myself was when I was 5. I've been trying to deal with this, but it's hard to. I feel like killing myself everyday. I wake up and my first thoughts are about how I might do so. About if I'm going to make it through without thinking about something bad.
- Anemia - This doesn't affect me as much as it used to, but I was anemic for a long time. I hated the taste of the iron. It was gross. I have a fear that I'll be anemic again and have to take that shitty tasting liquid iron. Gross.
- Back Pain - I have constant back pain, because of my breasts. I have a 38H bust and it's quite harmful for my back. I also may have some sort of cyst on my ovaries which can apparently cause the pain too.
- Infertility - To me having children is the one dream I might be able to still make come true. But recently. I've found out that I could be infertile. It doesn't feel worth living to me if I can't have kids.
- Bereavement / Grief - Since I was 4, people that I have loved and relied on, including three of my friends, my cousin who was my "father", and my beloved grandmother, Aunt, and Great Aunt. Recently one of my best friends passed away. It's really hard to get over things.
- Break Up and Divorce - Even though I have a wonderful boyfriend, I can't seem to get over someone I didn't really officially date although I still considered her a girlfriend. It's odd. I can't get over it and I don't know why. But I know why I can't get over her. She's so adorable she could make the rain clouds themselves smile. She has the most beautiful blue eyes and a great body to boot. But she'll never be mine. She doesn't care about me enough to let me near her. She doesn't want me to help only because I probably cause too much pain. God, if you're really there, you'll stop hurting her.
- Child Abuse - Since I was young, my mother and father have abused me, along with friends, and other family. It's made me really afraid of people.
- Domestic Violence - My domestic violence situation, is the stereotypical one. My parents fought, my exboyfriend and I did the same. My parents fought all the time and it drives me crazy.
- Dysfunctional Family - My family has always been insane. My parents were drug addicts along with a lot of their friends and family. My older brother and sister are addicts to. We've been homeless twice, and I've never had "stability" for long.
- Emotional Abuse - All of my life, it feels like every man has rejected me. It feels like everyone has rejected me and no one really gives a fuck. The only people who ever care seem to die fast. My parents and even my best friend have dished out emotional abuse in some form.
- Jealousy - I've had terrible problems with jealousy. I need to learn control over this a bit better. Although I've never acted out my thoughts, I just don't want to have them.
- Obesity - I weight a lot. I hate it and it's hard to control my weight. I think it's a major part of my depression.
- Physical Abuse - My father and exboyfriend were physically abuse, as well as my mother was (less severely). They both instilled the fear of getting my ass kicked constantly into me.
- Sexual Abuse - I've been sexual abused, mostly by my exboyfriend and father's friends. It's been tough to deal with, and I'm still not over it. But hopefully things will get better.
- Shyness - My shyness is so extreme that I hate calling in for pizza or answering the phone. Over the internet is fine, but hearing or seeing someone is a different story.
- Homosexuality - I've been attracted to females most of my life. It's been hard to deal with the criticism and I still haven't found that solid stable ground where I can accept who I really am. I'm a lesbian by nature, although I do have a boyfriend. I just wish I could become less...lesbian? I feel horrible when I think of leaving my boyfriend for another woman...
- Rape - I was raped by my exboyfriend often. My dad's friends did so to me as well... Our old neighbor tried to but only got as far as giving me oral sex. His mom walked in and told me never to tell anyone. I have alot of nightmares about it and my past experiences.
- Insomnia - I have a hard time sleeping at night. I used to stay up for nights at a time almost weeks. I think it plays in part with the whole mania thing. Sometimes I would lay down, feeling tired, but I just couldn't sleep. I honestly like the night, but you can't do a lot during it. Places close too early. XD
- Miscarriage - I had a natural miscarriage when I was 15 and haven't been able to stop thinking about the child that could have been.
- Financial Problem - All of my life, my parents have been very financially unstable, well before I was about 7. They've spent away every penny we've had on drugs and had to file for bankrupt when I was 7. We were homeless and then found a place. Now we're back in that situation. I'm slowly getting financially stable though on my own.
- Low Self Esteem - I have a report card that says that I have low self esteem on it from kindergarten. I've been made fun of all my life for the way I look and how I am...
- Infidelity - I've cheated and been cheated on.. I feel bad for my cheating but my exboyfriend wouldn't let me leave him. Now he blames this all on me, making me the "bad guy". I feel terrible when I hear the words slut uttered from his friends and family.
[NegaZero]'s Story
I'm 18 years old. Most people say I've been through quite a lot, although I am thankful for the help and things that have been given to me. Recently my parents lost their house, and we've been homeless for about 5 months or so. It's been really rough, but thankfully my boyfriend's family took me in. They've helped so much. I've been through some odd situations. My best friend died when I was 4 and I think that was the beginning of my odd life. So starting there, death has been a constant factor. I tried to kill myself when I was 5 and ever since then that's been another constant. My father's friends and my neighbor in my old neighborhood and 2 of my exboyfriends, have sexually abused me. It's a tough situation to deal with. I try not to think about it though. My father tried to kill me once. He and my mom are alcoholics and drug addicts, mostly addicted to prescription medication, although it used to be cocaine and others. Mainly it's Oxycodone and others. My older sister is an ex-prostitute, and a drug abuser as well as my older brother. She had her first kid when she was 13 and lost her to state authority. That was a tough time. She's had 3 abortions, which I cannot handle the fact that she's had. I try to accept everyone for who they are. But abortions are selfish. I can understand situations. But if you just got knocked up then, you only have yourself to blame. Why kill an innocent life to prolong your own? I don't understand why, and I never will. If you're going to go to college or can't afford to keep it then, give it up for adoption. You have to deal with responsibility. Carry it to term and accept your stupidity and never allow it to happen again. If you don't want kids, and can't take care of them, then don't have sex. It's simple. I've dealt with losing a child when I was 15. I had a natural miscarriage. I felt terrible. I also may not be able to have kids. But anyways. I'm going to make this more like a "story" later. Because that's what this section's supposed to be right? Some more about my interests. Music wise I like a lot of genres. Black Metal, Death Metal, Power Metal, Trance, Pop, Grunge, Riot Grrrl, etc. Some of my favorite bands are: 13&God, doseone, Subtle, Dragonlord, 1349, Black Moth Super Rainbow, The Octopus Project, Yasume, The Flashbulb, God Is An Astronaut, Lebanon, Nirvana, Ramones, Sex Pistols, etc. I've seen over 200 animes and read a lot of books. My friend and I compared a list of anime we had seen...that's the only reason why I make a claim like seeing 200+ animes. I counted them all XDDDD. Some of my favorites, I'll list later, because I need to go...:d
[NegaZero]'s Blogs
[NegaZero] has 5 blogs. [view all]
- Silent Jealousy. - Thu, November 15, 2007 - [view]
I'm so tired of relationships sometimes.I feel like mine is slowly being ripped at the seams. It's falling apart bit by bit, but slowly, it's sewed back together.I knew this wasn't going to be an easy relationship from the start, but I took my chances with him, even knowing that I was still very much in love with someone else. In time I grew to love him very much, so... - The Filth And The Fury. - Wed, November 14, 2007 - [view]
I love the Sex Pistols.Anyways. That's where the title came from.I feel pretty low right now. I miss this girl.God knows how I much I miss her.It's like she's forever embedded inside of my soul. It's wrong of me to have two people that I love.But I don't know anymore. It's tearing me apart. - Food... - Mon, November 05, 2007 - [view]
I can't get myself to eat anything at all...This weekend has just been somewhat stressful.My boyfriend's stepfather's parents were over at his house, and we couldn't go back in his room and lay down all weekend. So, we decided that the best idea would be for him to come and stay with his grandmother (where I currently am residing.) so that we could hang out a bit mor... - my boyfriend - Sun, November 04, 2007 - [view]
Is one of the best, if not the best, person you'll ever meet.I can't help but depend on him so much. I just hope I can stop making him make all the decisions. I know it agitates him. Sometimes I wish I could figure him out a bit better.... - Retarded.... - Fri, November 02, 2007 - [view]
Just wrote a long blog and it's not showing up for some reason...So that's retarded...I'll write something better later ^^'