Beloved's Profile
- Sex: Female
- Age: 21
- Location:
54321
Recent Questions Beloved is Interested In
Issues Beloved is Interested In
- Depression - Well i've been depressed and then there are times that depress me, both of which are fairly different. My main problem mainly is a distinct lack of the ability to feel happy at all. Nothing ever seems to satisfy me. I suppose more specific term would be apathy. It does worry me that I may be becoming increasingly emotionally defunct as time goes by, but there is nothing I can really do. I'm not of a generally happy disposition anyway. Is this depression? I'm not sure
- Homosexuality - This is quite a tricky subject. First of all its more a case of I have no interest at all in relationships or sex if I am honest. And if you delve deeper than it becomes a little more complicated. I always think I would like to be in a relationship with a man but everytime I get close I freak out becuase I am a commitment phobe. Admitedly I am more physically attracted to women, although I think that may have something to do with my own self esteem concerning my personal appearance ( i always look at women in the sense of 'thats what I would like to look like'). Then again the idea of sleeping with a woman does not put me off whereas with a man it does. I had a bad experience when I lost my virginity and I have never really gotten over it. Yet I could never see myself settling into a relationship with a woman, whereas I would like to get married one day I guess. This is one of my biggest confusions in life!
- Obesity - Admittedly it does not affect me as much as it does the rest of my family. We are all overweight and have been since I can remember. My mother makes an enormous issue out of it because I think she feels guilty (not her fault). I lost weight before and felt fabulous although I hated getting more attention. I like to think it doesn't affect my confidence being overweight But in retrospect it probably does. I would love to loose weight again because I think it is my biggest obstacle in having relationship that lasts lol. Dieting is so hard when you have other problems to worry aboit >.<
- Insomnia - I don't have any trouble falling asleep per se. WHen I do sleep however I do feel like it just isn't worth the trouble because my mind never really shuts off, and although my body may rest I can never ever be at ease. Don't know why this is, but its becoming stronger as i get older.
- Anemia - I have suffered from this sense I was 15. I decided to become vegetarian and after a year I was so low on iron I could not even stand up without having to sit down again. I do eat meat again but my body hasn't recovered and I still get light headed. I don't have much strength and headaches are easy to come on. I used to take iron tablets but i don't like seeing my doctor to get the subscription renewed (since we always end up talking about other issues..). It could explain my lack of energy sometimes however.
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - This actually describes me quite perfectly. I've never really known what narcissim was until I read that. I don't think I have a dissorder though...
Beloved's Story
It's quite strange, if I was honest. I managed through the teenage years with the typical amount of angst and trauma but nothing I would trouble anyone over. However, recently - closer I think to when I turned 20 - something just possessed me.
I can't easily classify it. I don't feel depressed or melancholy. My trouble is that I just can't seem to feel anything at all. Complete and total emotional apathy.
I mean there are still things that I do - like uni and work and socialising, and I don't dislike them; my trouble is that nothing seems to have any sort of effect on me at all. I feel like I am simply existing and nothing else, like I could dissapear and it would not actually matter.
And contrary to my younger self, who would ardantly run away and start a new adventure to clear the fog, I have no inclination to do so at all.
Nothing pleases me. No one pleases me and - as a person of a usually positive disposition - this is quite concerning.
And to be honest, I have no idea where this apathy has come from...
Beloved's Blogs
Beloved has 3 blogs. [view all]
- odd energy - Tue, October 30, 2007 - [view]
I suddenly felt so full of power today it was disgusting. Not in the usual narcisstic way tho. I am horribly horribly empathic and i've been so flooded with unbearable emotions lately - ones that aren't mine I believe - that it was bound to happen. My best friend was round, he may be feeling particularly powerful at the moment.Or it could be explained by the fact it be... - Poetry damn it. - Mon, October 29, 2007 - [view]
I know there is this cliche about depressed people and poetry but this is different. At uni at the moment I am studying the romantic poems, a lot of which concerns the transition from childhood and the loss of grace and innocence that accompanies it. Some of it is beautiful, but the poetry that really affects me tends to be a little darker. Sitting in my lectures I CAN'T ST... - Musings.... - Thu, October 25, 2007 - [view]
Alright I feel terribly anti-social at the moment. i just came back from Fuyucon and am hit with Post-con depression so that is doing nothing for me. That aside I just don't want to talk to anyone right now. I sort of feel comepletely out of synch with everyone. Moreover I feel raw inside, that my emotions are on overdrive. And even then, its not like I feel bou...