Networking

Friend Count: 13 View All

• 
  troybob333
• 
  Halcer
• 
  honeejr
• 
  devoted...
• 
  person718
• 
  Rachel
• 
  Box of ...
• 
  glxmerm...

DepressedAngel's Story

Hi, My name is Maryanna and I'm 20yrs. old. I have been diagnosed with Depression, Bipolar, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I also used to self-injure myself. But I have been 180 days clean today. It's really hard but I'm trying to pull thru. I have been mentally, physically, and sexually abused.

It all started when I was younger. From the ages 5-16 my mother would beat me. She'd use anything she could get her hands on to beat me with. She'd always curse at me and call me names saying that she never wished I was born. In those 11 years I'd let her beat me until one day she went too far and I screamed at her saying, "I'm going to tell my therapist if you touch me one more time." She never beat me again.

From the ages 10-14, I was being molested by my now ex brother-in-law. I didn't know what to do. He told me that if I ever told anyone he would kill me and my sister(his wife). So I kept my mouth shut. He would do it anytime and anywhere I was. It first happened in my dining room. Other times it happened in my bedroom and downstairs in the basement. It kills me because I'm still in the bedroom that he had done it and my computer is in the basement where it also happened. Anyway's I couldn't take the pain that he was putting me through so I started cutting myself when I was 13. It's like every time that he would touch me I'd feel dirty and that I would cut myself. So when I turned 14 I really didn't care if He'd kill me because I didn't want to live back then. So I told my sister what he was doing to me. But nothing ever happened to him. I went to school the next day and I told my teacher and they called protective services. The came to my house and my parents told me to say "nothing happened" because they were ashamed of me and what had happened. So I said, "Nothing happened." I regret that day so much. I mean if would have told the police the truth then he would be locked up right now. But he's not. I'm so scared that he will come looking for me. I know that this happened 6 years ago but it still bothers me everyday.

When I was 18, I got raped. Monday November 21, 2005 was the day that I got raped. I was inpatient at St. Joe's east, it's a psychiatric hospital. Anyway's I was with a lot of people in there and there was this one guy who was interesting. We had a lot in common I thought. Anyway's we were in the smoking room and then I got up and left and went to get a drink of water in the dining room where he was behind me and he grabbed me and kissed me.He pulled me into the bathroom and he started touching me so I pushed him off. But he grabbed me and pulled me down to the floor, pulled down my pants and my underwear and he.... inserted his penis into me and I tried to get him off of me but he kept on pushing me down. I kept on repeating myself saying, "No, please Stop!" But he covered my mouth. Then there was a knock on the door so he hurry up and got dressed and then helped me get dressed. The staff opened the door and saw me in there with him. They asked me what was going on but I couldn't talk. He said, "nothing." I just went to my room crying and I started cutting myself. When the staff found me I just kept saying, "I didn't want to do it." The police was called and I went to go get checked. I told my mom but she told my to keep quiet. So that's what I did. I did not press charges. I was too scared. But I am now really scared because he's out there somewhere and he's gonna find me and kill me. Since that day I've been having really bad flashbacks and I've been doing something to myself, worse than killing anyone, I can't even say it. No one knows about it. I'm scared to get close to anyone. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I NEED HELP.

Now I'm in therapy. I see her every week. I try talking her about the abuse but its very hard. I also get flashbacks of everything that has happened to me. But knowing that I have someone to talk to Helps so much. I also see a social worker twice a week too. And I feel things are going a little better for me. As I said before I'm trying to stay cut free. That means no cutting, burning, pulling my hair or any kind of self injury.