Donovan's Profile
- Sex: Male
- Age: 20
- Location:
Dubai, United Arab Emirates (middle east somewhere) but i am South African, 67891
Issues Donovan is Interested In
- Stress - well since i go to a collage, i am constantly under time constraints. this adds up on me and i become alot more stressed, as well as i have alot of my friends problems hanging over and in my head..so this leads to me becoming so stressed that i start to injure myself.
- Sexual Abuse - Well, i didnt think i would have to describe this, but anyway... It happened in my old school where the headmasters son was bascially a gay pedofile who had been praying on about 9 different kids (including myself) and well he bascially raped almost all of us...and so one day i see him walking out of the bathrooms and he walks past me and i just give him a death stare, once i walk into the bathroom to find that one of the boys had been in the cubical for about an hour while that guy was waiting for him outside. And when so when i found him i took the boy to speak to the deputy headmaster and thus got the guy put into prison for about 14 years, so yeah that is my abuse, cause he did so many horrible things to me and the other boys...-shudders to remeber those horrible things- ugh i dont think i can stomach that memory...anyway that is why i have feel as if i have bi-polar because well, i get major mood swings and they increase all the time and in severity as well. Bipolar is said to somtimes occur when people, normally teenagers are exposed to sexual or physical abuse, that is why i feel like i have it.
- Bipolar Disorder - well i am affected by this disorder because of my mood swings, and often i have broken down emotionally because of this. Because often i have lost friends and girlfrinds over the matter of me swapping moods extremely quickly. this has caused me a lot more pain. but one person that i care about who is special to me has helped me to calm down these feelings, i am eternaly grateful to that person and wish that i could pay them back. Anyway bascially i try not to show it to people or even talk about it; and even just talking about it will cause me to become really emotional and this will cause me to have a mood swing. lol, i sound pretty delicate, but that is normally what happens to me, and i have my dysfunctional family to thank for making me have to change my mood without thinking about it. Also because of the abuse shown above i have this condition so yeah i have been really badly affected due to these things.
- Depression - when i become depressed i become a very quiet person to be around, very distant. even if somebody tries to bring me out of my mood, it dosent work, the only salvation apart from being with my best friend is that i go back to cutting myself. even my best friend tries to stop me, but she is afraid that if she leaves then i will become worse, i dont want to hurt her by not talking and i wish to change, but nobody seems to relate to me or even tries apart from her. But reciently since talking to her more and also talking on this website i have been depressed, but much less. I think it has to do with the fact that i now know that there are other people who understand and feel the same way as i do. Just a thought, but i cannot say that it has been eliminated, but reduced.
- Panic Attacks - I normally panic when something in my family at home goes on or with my friends who are having a hard thing to deal with; also with my online friends who live in so far away from me..i cannot help them except by my words and i feel totally helpless, which will set off my panic attacks because...i start trembling, having cold sweats and normally i go silent which is a bit like my depressions state. I have been told that i am able to comfort people with only my words, but idk mabye that is just their personal opinion. i kinda worry about every little thing which has sometimes caused me to breakdown. which i go home and just lay in bed...you know the rest...but i am calming down a bit so the panic attacks are less in frequency but when they do come it is almost like they make up for the times they havent affected me...idk just a thought.
- Dysfunctional Family - well as i have said before, i live in a place where difunction is a basic requirement to remain in some sense sane in this house...i am a recluse because i will sit on the internet in order to escape the horrors of living life in a house where everyone is always unhappy and always fighting...i cant stand to live it anymore. Well put it this way, my family shouts at somebody for something almost everyday and this leads to alot of undue stress being set up in the house, also it causes a lot more stress on me and my brothers. But well as much as they do not smack us anymore (im 19 so they now just punch me in the face, so yeah..) but still this is why i have said before the sooner i ger out of here the better it is becoming too hard to live anymore.
- Break Up and Divorce - Well, my parents have been divorcied since well i was 7 and i used to live with my mom. which was ok till i realised that i wasnt seeing my dad alot or at all, and then he ended up leaving the country with my stepmom i couldnt understand it at the time, but as i grew older i realised what had actually happened. well needless to say it was very trumatising as a kid of that age to have their parents leave one another and never explain to you why they had done it. then my mom sent me to a boarding skool in england and i found out later that it was due to her 'not being able to handle me any more'; which lead to me regreting it and her. well i live with my dad now cause he took me out of that hell hole of a skool, i now dont even wish to be around him anymore because he expects so much of me and when i try and fail to please him, he then gets angry and...hits... so, that is what i have been through since i was 7 and now i am 19, almost an adult and i really dont want to blame it on my parents but because of their divorce i have been through alot of other stuff which i have written about on here already, so i understand alot about the suffering that some people...in fact most people go through.
- Sex Addiction - Well, hmm...how to phrase this, well i am always thinking about it...due to the things that happened in my old skool i kinda 'matured' earlier and thus i became sexually active faster than some people. well i know i might sound out of place with this, but sexual acts calm me down, o.O did i just wite that....ahh well idc, that is my personal opinion of it. i always think about it.
- Codependence Addiction - I have this very very badly, i have to have somebody in my life, cause if i dont have that i feel like i have personally failed at achieving in my relationships.
- Self-Injury - well since Three of my close family members have passed away in my life, i went through alot of stress and depression, i was living in england at the time and the school i attended was not one i want to remember, anyway one day i got soo sick of the depression and stress that i decided to cut myself. i learnt alot of the japanese culture so i know a few of thier characters in writing, and i got out my blade and wrote in my skin about a 3-4 inch letter of 'death'on my arm, but even though it has healed ppl still ask me why i have a scar there and why do i have it. As much as i do still self injure by cutting only i keep having to cover up all the cuts till they heal, becuase scars are fine to hide or make up for, but when you have cuts that are bleeding alot and are a few mm deep and about 1-2 inches long then; well then i have to try to cover them up until they scar. But idk when i get the blood rush from seeing the blood then i begin to feel better, idk if that sounds strange but i feel more in control of my life, feelings and also my actions when i cut, because my pain is more physical than emotional at that point in time. Anyway that is my self cutting habit.
Donovan's Story
well i am 19 and i am from south africa, i have lived most of my life traveling from country to country and i have seen people come and go like seasons, so i find it hard to make friends and as a substitute i have resorted to online friends, except when i talk with them i can be there for hours on end spilling my lifes story. now i realise that they are almost the same as me in some ways.
stress: well my stress is extremely bad, i will have mood swings like crazy i have to try to hide behind what i call a fake smile so that i dont upset my family and friends, the only thing is this leads to my other problem that i have.
Self injury: well when i concern self injury i find that i cut myself to make myself feel better and this leads to alot of questions asked by my peers and also my family, why i have cuts on my arms and legs. the only thing i cannot do is actually tell them the truth because i am afraid of what they will think of me...my friends well i dont want to be called 'emo' for doing what i do, so i hide it i make up excuses and try to live in a lie.
Depression: well depression is one of the major things that affects me, i cannot seem to shake it no matter who i talk to or who i am with at the time. i wish there was somebody who understands me, my parents are not exactly the people that u want to talk to about certian things...they have such high expectations and if they are not met then they get angry, this is what has caused most of my depression. i know i will be told that some people dont even have parents or have them anymore and i do sympathise with them, i couldnt imagine living without parents, but if u have them and they just look at u as if to say 'what are u doing in my house' then i think it is more sad to have my parents. i would wish to have some parents that take me as i am, not try to change me. well i am done ranting so i will leave it there.
Disfunctional family: well my family is complete disfunction in that there is always fights adn shouting going on, i mean even on christmas day there was a few arguments..so yeah that is my messed up family.
Panic Attacks: i get these everytime i have a hightened emotional experince especially when it conserns my overseas friends (internet friends) and well there real life problems and struggles. so this will set off my panic attacks..i get them very often, but with my best friend, she is able to calm me down without having to be physically here. which is good, if i didn't have her i would prolly be laying in a gutter somewhere or worse
honestly i am sick of living like this so i joined this website in the hopes of finding people i can help and recieve help from people during times of sadness and other such things.
Anyone who is feeling suicidal, please dont hesitate, this is a website that i found that can help, it helped me; http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Donovan's Blogs
Donovan has 9 blogs. [view all]
- Wow! - Mon, February 04, 2008 - [view]
Hey all, well i think you will all be glad to know that i have passed enough of my exams, to allow me to continue, but i do have 2 re-sits...but i intend to study for them with zeal, knowing that i will still be able to keep in contact with the amazing people on this website, it makes me so happy.Im so happy! Because i will be able to continue to talk with you all, the most wonderful and suppor... - Tomorrow - Sun, February 03, 2008 - [view]
the exam results had been moved to tomorrow, and i nearly had an accident today when i was on the way to my college...i have never been so scared in my life...I am uninjured, but it was such a close call...i cannot stop shaking.Anyway, now i have all day again to worry about the results till tomorrow...great.~Don - well...looks very bad - Sat, February 02, 2008 - [view]
Well my friends, tomorrow i find out if i will still be able to talk to many of you...tomorrow i find out my resuts from my previous semester, and if they bode bad then my dad has already said that he will take away my internet and all the interenet in the house.Wow...he really knows how to hurt me, to lose the ability to contact any of you and to talk with all of you, because you are all ... - sleepless nights - Tue, January 29, 2008 - [view]
Well, most are prolly wondering why i havent written a blong in a few days, it is because i have been dealing with family and friend problems, while not sleeping. anyway, i have had a hard few days, stress and mood swings are makning my anxiety worse because i am worrying about everything and everyone; the oncause of this is,I had a dream the other day that i woke up one morning and got onto th... - Death and Disfunction - Thu, January 24, 2008 - [view]
Well, yesterday i was in my room like normal when i herd screaming and crying comming from downstairs in my house...i went to investigate and found that my mom was screaming at my brother about his love and respect for her...and he said that she didnt love him anymore to which the broke down and screamed at him..my littlest brother of 8 was crying all by himself while those two argued and screa...