FyreSakura's Profile
- Sex: Female
- Age: 14
- Location:
Fleetwood, PA 19522
Recent Questions FyreSakura is Interested In
Issues FyreSakura is Interested In
- Anger Management Problem - Well, this is becoming a new for me. Lately, i get pissed off really, REALLY easily. if i'm concentrating on something or trying to do something or even just want to be alone, i completely flip! like, for example, today at lunch, i was trying to get todays homework done so i wouldn't have to do it at home and my friend wouldn't stop talking to me when i was doing it. so what i ended up doing was slamming down my pencil (causing it to break) and screaming at her to just shut up because i'm trying to do something and basically the teacher let me off with a warning for yelling at "another student during school". Also, another thing that gets me is when someone says something really stupid. like, if someone asks a question that someone else asked like 5 seconds before. i mean, come on! can't people listen?! anyway, i think it is getting worse since my self injury urges have been increasing and intensifying. anyway, it isn't like proven or anything, but i really think i have an anger issue because of how easily i can flip...
- Pessimism - Everything sucks. my whole family thinks i'm a really negative person. i agree.
- Stress - School, home, everything! I get so much stress its unbearable! it also causes many migraines i get.
- Internet Addiction - I'm almost always online. It makes me feel more relaxed when i'm stressed. it's like a second home. plus, i am happy to get away from my family.
- Self-Injury - I cut myself. I have been cutting since 12, but not to kill myself.(i think its called delicate cutting or something). the cutting is cuz stress gets too high and it usually relieves it all. I have also now made it a habit to abuse myself. i do it cuz i like the pain and i think i deserve it. I mostly do it on my forearms and occasionaly my upper arms.
- Sports Injuries - I did Gymnastics for 9 years and in the process i have broken my left ankle twice and my tail bone is cracked. my back always hurts and the doctor said it would be permanent and my ankles kill me almost everyday (the right one hurts from stress on it; running, field hockey, etc.) when my ankles hurt,i get really bitchy (this is when my mood swings and i turn almost evil) and that is usually another motive for my headaches. my back pain drives me up the wall becuz i can not sit or stand for long periods of time or it will start to ache. either way, they all pretty much suk.
- Headaches/Migraines - they are really bad, sometimes they make me cry, but that just makes me hate myself more cuz i think it shows weakness. when i get my headaches and migraines is when i cut myself. this may even be the entire reason... Well, I went to the doctor and I found out what is causing my headaches. I have really bad eyes (like 20/500, no lie) and when i try to focus on something, my eyes cross. He says its some medical condition or something so now I have to wear reading glasses over my contacts. Hopefully this will help get rid of these headaches, and becuz it's my eyes, that may be why medication doesn't help get rid of them?
- Low Self Esteem - Well, I think I have almost always had low self esteem. I'm a really strict perfectionist, and its a big contributer to this issue. I also never seem to think of myself as good at anything. I have it in my head that I am the worst person in any group (except with academic related things), that I don't deserve to be in the places I am, and that no one seems to like who I am. Many people say that I am good at everything, which I am, but I usually don't believe that I am. For example: I play violin. I'm supposedly really good, but I don't think I am, and I play with little to no confidence.
- Weight Training - I've never wanted to be the weak little girl. Until just recently (when all the guys started maturing and actually getting muscle), i could beat any guy or girl in push ups, arm wrestling, or practically anything else. I can bench almost 45 lbs. 15 times (even though it sounds like just a little, my 17 year old sister can't even bench 45 once). i've never like sports and activities that require a lot of running or whole body activity (swimming, running, etc.) but i have always loved anything that makes me stronger, particularly in the arms and legs.
FyreSakura's Story
Well, I'm 14 and i started cutting at 12. the reason i started wuz cuz i get very stressed easily. the stress gets so bad i can't stand it and i cut to release the pain, plus i love to see the blood. its like a stimulant and makes me calm and relaxed. i beat myself sometimes too because i get mad at myself for being stupid. i'm actually really smart, but when i don't understand something, i breakdown and start to beat myself. it doesn't really hurt much tho, cuz i deserve it. i also have really wild emotions, but i wouldn't call it bipolar yet. also, i am really evil...i live a double life. at school, im a smart cute thing that everyone likes, but inside, i hate myself and everyone. i think i'm scared to show it tho. I'm also terrified to be around people. people make me weird and i can't stand still, plus, they seem to trigger something in my head that sets off extreme anger. i get really bitchy to everyone around me(like PMS but way worse). i say smart (talkback) comments and that usually makes my mom mad, which in turn makes me madder, and then i cut or beat myself... o well.
I also have some trust problems when it comes to guys. I've never been raped or sexually abused or anything, so I know this is kinda over-reacting to some people, but it affects me so I'll state it. I've always been liked by a lot of guys, and I've also been hurt by a lot too. I have slight photographic memory, so I can remember clearly what happened with me and my 'boyfriends'. Almost all the guys I've gone out with have just been with me because of looks or how smart I am and they would use me to their advantage (like doing their homework or trying to get me to be a little "active" if you get my drift), so now I just push guys away. These experiences also 'taught' me to look down upon myself. I've started to believe that "I don't deserve a boyfriend because I'm not good enough" and other things, which is the cause for some of my low self esteem. It also has made my social life go down, along with my happiness because I now don't allow myself to fall in love to tell you the truth. Even if I like someone, I never give in anymore. It's like I've put up a wall around my heart, never to be penetrated for many years. That's my story about love, and I've never told it 'til today.
I know this might anger some people, but i'm an atheist. I do not believe that their is an all knowing being and i would need strong evidence to even consider believing. just stating the fact...
Well, I was wondering why they don't have a section for harassment, but, oh well. It has been happening lately by one of my good friends. He, in my opinion, has been sexually harassing me for some time. He says gross and disturbing things to me, and holds on to me really hard and shakes me around. It is kinda scary and I always tell him to stop, but he never listens. He talks about how "bad he wants me" and other things I don't really wanna say. He also follows me around a lot and tends to be really annoying and clingy; I can never seem to get him away from me! Well, I hope he leaves me alone soon.
WHAT I LIKE: I love anime and manga, thats about all i do with my life. it is really the only thing i enjoy. my dream is to be top of the class(i think im about 5th right now) and this will be hard because of how upset i can get and all my "illnesses". i also want to get all 100's on my report card.(i was close i had all 100's except 1 99 and 1 98, oh well...) that really bummed me out. i like almost all music except rap. my favorite is foreign stuff tho (japanese, spanish, etc.)
FyreSakura's Blogs
FyreSakura has 25 blogs. [view all]
- career choice - Wed, May 14, 2008 - [view]
so, this year my excel teacher is forcing us to look into a career we want to go into, and i was looking around and i found i'm getting really interested in psychology. i think i'm attracted to it because of my issues and others. i kinda wanna know why i act the way i do and why others do too. do you think going into this field may help me to get through my self injury, or do you think ... - and so it begins... - Sun, May 04, 2008 - [view]
Well, i'm gonna be honest with everyone..i cut again on Wednesday, causing my 5 month cut free streak to end.I'm really sad about it, but i was so upset, i was crying uncontrollably, everything was spinning, i was feeling sick, i didn't know what to do, i couldn't sleep, and the blade was staring me down. i did it about 15 times, but they were light (because i had to work with m... - track score updates - Thu, April 24, 2008 - [view]
well, county meet is coming up on thursday, and i'm totally ready, but here are yesterday's scores: Discus= 74' 7" (a GREAT improvement from last meet! ^.^) Shot Put = 26'0" (okay, but i think i can go farther, i was a little off that day) so thats it! can't wait til counties! i'll update ya'll on how it goes FyreSakura - ugh!! the urges! - Tue, April 22, 2008 - [view]
well, i haven't been on in a while, sorry 'bout that... anyway, i've been having a few issues lately. I'm getting into another depressed state (this started about 2-3 days ago and is still going) and i'm having a lot of urges to hit and cut. so far i've kept them at bay by scratching myself and the ice thing, but it only helps temporarily... I got really close to hitting... - Track and Field scores - Wed, April 16, 2008 - [view]
Well, I've decided to keep a track of my Track scores because they're actually quite good. Today I got 70' 9" in Discus and 25' 9" in shotput (a great increase from last time!!) YAY ME!! that's it for now, tty all later! FyreSakura