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KohKamigawa's Story

(The following is an edited copy of a post I made at "kithology_trans", a yahoo support group for transgenders.)

I'm 18 years old and female, but hoping that someday I will be able to transgender to male. My family has been noticing my increased distress and depression as of late. I identified with the term 'gender dysphoria' after researching it online, since the symptoms have lasted for more than two years. I actually discovered that I could 'reassign' my gender, or get an operation to change at the age of 16. Since my friend told me about it, and I had no idea I could get it done! But I believe this feeling was with me all along, and I apologize.. this may be long, and maybe no one will read it... but I'll give it a shot because I need to do something to relieve myself of this problem.

My real name is Brooke, but my friends usually call me Koh. (It's sort of a weird name I guess, and it's actually a different spelling of the name Kou in Japanese, which means child.) But a name's just a name, so it's simple enough. I'm now going to tell my story, or at least about how my life has been so far.

Anyhow, recalling my childhood.. I grew up with my mother, two younger brothers, grandparents, and at one time, a step dad. My cousin and aunt were also very close. My cousin who's female, was like an older sister to me, and I've known her since the day I was born. I believe she knows me the best. As for my stepdad, he is the father of my two brothers, and he's divorced my mother. He wasn't a very kind man, I'll tell you that much. He yelled a lot, drank a lot, and was very grumpy. Nothing too traumatizing though. However, my real father I only saw very rarely as a toddler, because he was simply a 'friend' of my mom at the time, and they were never serious about the relationship. (They were serious enough to go and give birth to me though...)

I think the early signs of my desire to be a male could be traced back from birth even. This is just ironic and may mean nothing, but I suppose I should include it. When I was in my mother's stomach, she said that she thought I was going to be a boy and that she wanted a boy. The ultrasound couldn't determine my sex because I was covering my parts with my limbs during it for some reason, the doctor said just to wait until I was born I guess.. My mother said that she would look at the clothes for baby boys and think how cute it would look on a 'little man', and so she would rub her stomach when I kicked and say "It's okay Mason.", and such things referring to me as a boy. (Ironically one of my brothers is now named Mason.) Then when I was born, they had run out of the pink sheets they wrapped the baby girls in. (In this hospital, I was told by my mother that it was a custom to have females wrapped in a pink blanket and boys in blue.) So even in my baby pictures, I am wrapped in blue blankets. I find this a little odd..

In any case, fast forward to childhood of about... a little before kinder garden? I was always playing with my female cousin, and we would play pretend. Sometimes as power rangers, sometimes as characters from Disney. But she would always be the pink ranger, or the little mermaid, or the princess. I would always want to be the green ranger, or the animal sidekick (which were usually boys), or the prince, ect. I had never thought anything of it really...

Later, as I grew up in elementary school.. I wore baggy pants and big dark colored t-shirts, some with sports logos and basket balls on them, that I can remember. The girls treated me rudely because I wasn't 'pretty' enough or something, it irritated me but not offended me. I wanted to play games with the boys, especially soccer, but they would always make fun of me and make me mad and then laugh. I got into fights a lot during elementary school because of this.. lol.

Now as I grew older around preteen years, I thought 'I just despise girls, I hate them.', but in truth.. I was just unhappy being one myself. I didn't like the chest, or the curves, like in the hips. I wore baggy and boyish clothes and was often called fat for it, although I'm not actually. But let's end these stories of the past, and finish up my long story...

My mother still does not accept my change of plans for identity (I hate to say this, but my mother's currently addicted to crack and my family is trying to pull together and get her help..), and my grandmother is accepting my change.. but is very much neutral. My aunt and cousin are the only people I can talk to about it really, but I talk about it all the time.. and I'm miserable every day, so I wish I could stop being bothered by this. I haven't recieved as much support as I would have liked from my family, and they have their own problems. I want to get an ID and a job in order to work for the money that will pay for the operation. My grandmother is helping me to get the ID through something court-related... making a new birth certificate, and things. @_@

Now for answering any questions people might have: Q: Are you a lesbian then? A: No, I want to be a male. I'm not sure how I feel towards women...(I've suffered so much being stuck in one's body, I just hope I can > tolerate them at all.) But maybe once I've been a man for awhile I can decide if they're attractive. As for men, I find them attractive. I consider being gay so far...

Q: What if you find a guy you like, but you're a guy and you can't have him? A: I don't like being a girl, and even if I do like guys, would be more comfortable being gay. If a guy can't love me for who I really want to be, then he's not for me.

Q: Are you sure? A: I think I've planned this long enough. It's affecting me emotionally and physically. I cry so loud that you can hear it, and I tire myself out from the stress. I get irritable by just looking in the mirror, or hearing my own voice because it's not right to me. So I think I'm pretty sure...

Q: You're just doing this because you think you're an ugly girl. I'm sure if you dressed pretty you would be happier and 'feel like a woman', right? A: Not at all. My mom has already pushed that on me, and it only makes me very unhappy. Especially makeup... meh.

Q: Then you're a tough girl, or a tomboy? A: Wrong again. I'm not very tough at all, while I would fight for something I believe in, or for those I care about.. I don't start fights. I'm not very aggressive or masculine, but also I am not extremely feminine either. I prefer slight femininity - but I don't have a real flaming gay accent or anything.