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  justtob...
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  falis

Melissa's Story

Hi, I'm new to this sort of thing, but I really would like someone to talk to. First of all I want to apologize for this being so long. I'll try to cut it down a little bit later on. I have been dealing with depression for more than 10 years and I havn't received any help for it. I'm gonna start from where I can remember. When I was about 8 or 9 we had moved to a different town and started a different school. It's supposed to be good, new friends, new life. Well that didn't really happen. Since we moved to that new town, my brother and I, mainly my brother, have been beaten up, threatened, hasseled, harrassed, called everything under the sun and then some. We weren't the smallest kids in school and we still aren't but that's no excuse. School was not fun. What few friends my brother had, weren't really friends, and the freinds I had, well, let's just say we no longer got along after a few years. No one in that community liked my brother and I felt horrible. I would stick up for him but then they would start in on me. I remember one winter my brother and i were walking to my grandma's house after school because we didn't want to go home, and grandma's are fun, anywho, on the way there, a couple of kids jumped out took my brother's bike and started punching him. I was helpless. No matter how hard we tried to keep to ourselves the more people made it a point to hassle us, well, my brother(i'll explain later why I keep saying we and us.) This went on all through high school and even when we went to the police nothing got done. They said they would do something but instead they did nothing. For some reason and I agree with my brother on this, that even the authorities had it out for us We did nothing for anyone to treat us the way they did, yet they still felt the need to. I hated school, I skipped a lot of school because I hated it that much. By my junior and senior year I decided I just wanted to graduate and get the hell out of there. In order to do this, I had to stray away from friends a little bit. People who were so very rude to me throughout the years finally started to be nice to me, but they had created so many bad memories and my hatred of school that I didn't even respond in the slightest way until I got so confused about eveything that I started to speak my mind to them instead of my parents. See, all throughout school my parents and I fought every single day, no lie, although one fight my dad and I had led to me mouthing off to him, him slapping me, and then me slapping him, back. Since that day my dad has not yelled at me. I feel so bad about what I did, but I still haven't apologized and I really think it's about time I did. So that just left my mom, and she is just as stubborn as I am. You know how moms are, even when you know they are wrong and are contradicting themselves they are always still gonna be right. So when I was 18 and i was at work my mom and I got into it and then we got home and it continued. That's the night I yelled out " well, you don't have to worry anymore, causei'm moving out." they said I didn't have any place to go, but a couple of friends at the time told me I could move in with them. After I told my mom that she replied, in a tone that was so nice, "We won't completely abandon you, we'll help you move." I don't think I will ever forget that moment or those words, because I remember feeling so small and unwanted.
I felt I needed to tell that story to explain this. Somewhere along those years I started to realize I wasn't normal and I got so irritated and upset, not to mention very emotional at the smallest things that weren't even worth it,and I knew it was depression. When I went to my mom and dad about this, my mom said it was all in my head and someone once told me I was a hypocondriac. It hurt that no one was willing to accept the facts. So after that day I just kept to myself. Sometimes our fights would get so out of hand that I would run off. I ran out into a severe thunderstorm one night when we were fighting. I also almost jumped out of the van when we were driving. My mom got so mad once she started hitting me, just slapping, but when she got mad she was pretty aggressive. when se was taking me to work once we were fighting and sh told me to go to hell. she's called me a bitch plenty of times but I would just say "right back at ya". I remember one time I was so mad and I wanted to see how my mom would react that I took a bottle of pills and emptied them out. layed on the floor and when she came in she told me to get up. I held my breathe so she wouldn't see me breathing. she left came back a minute later and said in a stern voice get up and quit faking right now. It makes me wonder how long she would have gone on saying those things if I had really taken those pills. That hurt so much. She wondered why I was like that. The brother I metioned above is 26. I am 24. My parents had another kid when I was 15. Yeah, that's when things started getting worse. I thought things were bad before then, that's when things started getting worse. Now, I was the middle child. Even though there was such an age differance it didn't matter. I didn't really get that much attention then, now I was getting even less. The reason being is my older brother ended up getting into trouble with the law about high school and then a baby. so what was left for me? i Know they love me, but what does every kid think when they're young? Well, that's what I thought. My emotions were running wild. I even got into a major fight with my grandma on Christmas day once.

After I moved out things were getting better, I set up an appointment for a free depression screening. My dad took me. And the results were exactly what I thought. That was back in 2001. My parents knew but they didn't say a word. That hurt me a lot. I don't know if it's just because they didn't want to admit it to themselves ro what is was. I kind of got off track there, sorry. Anywho, I said earlier I would explain why I kept saying us and we when I was talking about my brother, well, back then I was a little better at speaking my mind then he was, but more shy. It came easy with my family but around my peers, not so much. So I felt and still feel that I could have done something about it to help him. I feel responsible for what happened all those years. Even though the authorities and teachers could have done something to help, they didn't. They were part of the problem. I know a lot of the teachers didn't like my brother. I've heard them say some pretty nasty things and i've even caught them in some lies. They would lie to my parents about my brother just so he would get into more trouble. So now he has medical and some mental problems from all of the crap people have put him through, but he's only stronger now. People just never got to know him or us. We are some of the most decent and nice people you will ever meet, but apperently not enough for people to get to know him. When I talk to my friends about all of this they would say things that they thought would help but really just kinda made me more upset, because they didn't know. I was talking to my friend jeremy and I told him I have never been truley happy. Bless his soul, he tried to help. but I just wanted someone to listen without giving input. My depression has been getting a bit worse lately and I have just wanted to be by myself. I live in a basement apartment of a friends house. I used to talk to them everyday, now I don't want to do anything. I sleep so much, about 8-15 hours a day. I know it's not good, but I just can't drag myself out of bed. I used to sing every day. It's a dream of mine to become a singer. But lately I've been just sitting in silence in the dark, then I fall asleep. I've been crying myself to sleep and waking up feeling like i'm hungover even though I didn't drink. I don't have insurance yet and can't afford to get help yet, so I don't know what to do until then. My neck has been hurting severly for a little over 2 years now and nothing helps. I have a job where I work overnights and don't really seee anyone until about 530am. then I go home sit and then fall asleep until about 2 hours before I need to go back into work. If someone could help me or give me some advice or any knowledge of what I should or could do until then I would greatly appreciate it. Because I'm sick of everything.