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Shroud's Story

Hmm, where to start? Its closer to Sociopathic behaviour more than anything else. But right, the start. I’ve grown up being moved from location to location about every 2 to 3 years due to my parents jobs, as a child I was very shy, but I always kept to a group of about 2 to 5 friends. Of course each time I moved I had to start all over again. I strongly dislike remembering my childhood, not because of what others did to me but rather because of what I did to them.

At one stage in my childhood I had a group of close friends, but I got stuck in a different class when I started Intermediate School and for some reason started hanging out with the um lesser crowd. You know the guys who pick up fags from the gutter, steal, beat each other up, and couldn’t care less about school? Yeah them. It was brute force heaven and because I often orchestrated situations in which we could…manipulate other school-mates out of their money (no not bullying, just reselling items that I received from the guys) I was called the smart one. Wow this’ll take ages so in a nutshell I pretty much destroyed my old friends lives by labelling them gay, and very efficiently too.

In short throughout my life Ive gone through various stages.

First, your over-emotional (but only in the dark) quiet teenager who just wants to keep to themselves, but be loved and keep their friends at the same time. I should mention that during this stage I had an affinity towards watching people suffer, so much so that Id laugh publicly. However not in the extreme, my social studies teacher managed to shut me up by showing Nazi camp footage, that may have been peer pressure tho, Im not sure.

Second, in retaliation to the emotional overdose, I cut off the large part of my emotions. (I’ve always enjoyed tinkering with my head so this actually wasn’t that hard to do) However after a period of a few years whilst studying my behaviour I realised that more than anything, rather than being completely emotionless I was overly aggressive.

Third. I reverted, I tried copying those around me and effectively emulated the emotions that I thought were missing. Hiding my darker tendencies in order to make my personality more appealing to society. And it worked. I found it much easier to make friends and generally communicate; all I had to do was fake it. Of course sometimes I didn’t know the volume of which emotion I should be applying to a situation. It was rather embarrassing but over time I perfected them, this leads onto my next point.

I should also mention that because my love of darker things was lacking due to the reversion, I found several different outlets, from stealing (and never being caught) to the malicious manipulation of others. The latter of which I truly enjoyed as messing with peoples heads had always been a passion of mine. I got so good at it that I would research into their personality, lifestyles, how they ticked, noting anything of interest during my watching/contact with them so that I could predict them and manipulate them with relative ease whilst always making sure I never slipped up or let things trace back to me. It actually got really bad (for the others) at some points, fortunately for me we were continually moving houses, so I got to start over with a fresh batch each time. The buzz I got from these things was amazing.

Forth, what I believe was a state of ‘Transcending the Mask’. Whereas I no longer had to fake and it came naturally, even allowing me to feel the emotions when applied.

Fifth, where I am now. I try to keep things in balance, but really now I’m just a pretty docile nice guy. Over time I truly do believe that I transcended the mask. I get along easy with people when I want to and I’ve gradually been working the serious kinks out of my personality. I think this happened due to my increased contact with people.

It’s interesting to note however that I do still (perhaps subconsciously) pick up on things that people do that, earlier in my life I would have used as information to forward my tinkering with them. I’ve been trying to break this habit, but the truth is I still enjoy it, I mean tinkering with people is REALLY fun. Fortunately I’ve built up mental walls so that I restrict and direct this habit towards those that I dislike. Which doesn’t happen often as I get along with people really well. Tinkering with friends and family is absolutely a no go zone, and doing so with associates and randoms is cruel and unwarranted.

I should also mention that throughout the large part of my life I’ve tried to wall off any consideration of things such as murder, physically attacking others etc. I’ve become so successful at it that now I fully detest the idea of a human killing another. Of course I still have some remanent of the teenage revenge theory, you know “you killed the ones I love now I’m going to kill you”. I intend to explore this concept further as it involves an influx of emotions and clashes with my “death is death, the end of everything” theory which justifies most human life as not deserving of death by another human. Also interestingly enough I’ve always hated large public places because of what I would describe as the “putrid smell of human skin”. Lol now that’s weird huh?

I had never sought any help from others, simply because in doing so I would have shown mental weakness and an inability to deal with my own problems, perhaps traits that I saw in my victims? Although in truth I believe that just general contact and socialisation with others did for me what a councillor or physiatrist can do for others. I’m still very stubborn and the I still see the idea of doing so as personal weakness.

Of course many other large events influenced my life but this thing is already to long.

So self diagnosed I’d say I’ve had to deal with a superiority complex and Sociopathic traits.

People’s minds still fascinate me, but mine takes the cake. I enjoy exploring myself. Putting myself into others shoes, seeing how I would react etc. Effectively exploring my humanity and how it works. Agh, someday I’ll just grow up ^^.

Anyway I just did this so I could see what reactions I got, I’ll happily talk to others on the net about the subject. I joined Hope Cube so that I could explore other people’s humanity. Lol don’t worry, not in a bad way. Now I genuinely care about others (lol just saying that or even considering that sounds weak when viewed from a younger perspective).

Anyway maybe I’ll see you guys later, until then chao! and Enjoy Life!! :3