ayrlynangel's Profile
- Sex: Female
- Age: 22
- Location:
16509
Issues ayrlynangel is Interested In
- Depression - My mother had depression and my father has SAD, so I was already genetically predisposed to it. Episodic. Difficult to predict or deal with...
- Suicide - Attempted suicide three times my second year of college. Still think about it sometimes. I have to throw away all of my pills now and again.
- Self-Injury - My arms haven't had fresh scars for six months, but the old ones may not ever go away. I used to cut. I want to, a lot. Sometimes it feels like its the only way to take care of myself, and not doing it is greater injury. But at least other people don't make me feel worse if I don't...
ayrlynangel's Story
I didn't have depression until I was ten, when my dad left. I had it for about a year and a half, and ended that episode rather weakly (i.e. I based my ensuing personality on an idea, rather than who I am).
It all fell apart again about four years ago when I entered college. Two years ago I tried commiting suicide three times, and was put into a mental hospital for a few days. Since then I've been trying my best to recover and just lead a satisfying (if very abnormal) life. People, however, seem to want to make this process much more difficult for me.
I'm in a good relationship that... is very difficult as well. Neither of us is emotionally stable, and neither of us likes drama. Lucky us, that it knows where we live, eh?
As a rule, I love and hate people. I hate people's ignorance, but I never want to hurt anyone. I hate myself but I desperately wish I could care more. If you've ever seen haibane - you know that little-girl version of Reki at the end? Thats how I feel inside. That whole series - both reki and rakka, describe how I feel perfectly. I really want to care for people, and to help people. I just don't feel good enough anymore, and no one wants my help anyway...
I keep trying to let people in, to show them how I feel. In some ways, I can't say I ever truly expected them to understand. Still, its horribly painful when your own mother mocks the very character you identify with. I want to feel loved, and safe. I'd like to feel as though, when I fall, others would guard me, and vice versa. I can't tell if thats childish or not. I tend to conceptualize my depression as a battle, and I either fight alone, suffer horribly, and drag myself on, or fight in a partnership where we've got each others backs.
Anything else with my story? Well, mostly I hope I can deal with this all at some point. I'd hate to hurt my children with such unreasoning sadness (assuming I have some at some point).
ayrlynangel's Blogs
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