chewable_garnet's Profile
- Sex: Female
- Age: 14
- Location:
Central, PA 23456
Issues chewable_garnet is Interested In
- Cancer - Breast Cancer - When I was a kid, our next door neighbors were an older couple who ended up being like the second set of grandparents I never had. We were really close. But then, She died from cancer. I believe it was skin cancer, but for some reason Hope Cube doesn't have it listed. I also think breast cancer had to deal with her death, so that's why I put it here. Anyway, it was hard for my family and hers. It was even harder for my mom because she is a radiation oncologist and she felt powerless because when they found the cancer, it was already in an advanced stage. I think about her from time to time. She was a wonderful woman.
- Stress - Helping support my mom, getting the best grades I can, getting good swim team times, and keeping a good weight is all hard on me. Especially with the mounting depression on my mind. I wish I could relieve some of the stress, but I feel like if I do, I'll slip up more than I already am.
- Depression - I suppose it's just teenage depression, but it has had it's toll on me. Even though I live with five other loving people and have a few good friends, I still feel so lonely. It's not like before when I was so selfish and blind. My one friend said it sounded like genuine depression and that I should seek help. I'm not one to ask for things though. Especially help. So, how do I ask?
- Low Self Esteem - I'm not sure if this is low self esteem but I think it's close enough...I've never ever felt that I was a pretty person no matter how many comments I've received. I've never considered a paper that got A++ an accomplishment or finishing a complicated piano piece something to be praised. Is it that I'm too modest? How do I fix it? I can never feel proud of myself.
- Homosexuality - Maybe it would be considered bisexuality for me. While I firmly believe that I'm not a lesbian and that I have strong feelings for a boy, I have also been attracted to women. I don't hate myself for it, but it bothers me how society handles such. One of my homeschooling friends was just plainly freaked out about a year ago when I admitted to her that I thought I was a lesbian and probably would have discarded me if we weren't such good friends. Her excuse was that it was against the Catholic Church to be gay and that it just wasn't right. I've obviously changed since then. When I think about it, the guy I like would probably never talk to me again along with all my other swim team friends considering the jokes they make up about Homosexuals and how gross they say it is.
- Chronic Pain - Since my mother's accident almost thirty years ago, she has been in pain almost every second of those years. And it's horribly depressing to see her go through it. I see her efforts to put on that smile every now and again, but my sibling's selfishness and her depression shatter her mask of salvation, leaving her picking up the pieces with me usually helping her. She's been on an assortment of drugs to help her pain which she builds up a resistance to every time. Right now I think she's on Morphine. She used to take things such as Flexerol, MS Coton, Oxy Codon, and other scary medications. Forgive me if I misspelled any.
- Headaches/Migraines - For about a month I used to get headaches every day. They weren't consistant with anything that I could think of, so I just assumed it was stress. I haven't been getting them as much, but it still gets in the way of my school work.
- Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) - I couldn't find ADD on the list...anyway...the oldest of two boys in our family who is my younger brother, has ADD. It has been a horrible struggle with him and our family. He's tried Straterra, Concerta, and is currently on Aderol which isn't helping him as much anymore. It effects his school work tremendously and even when he takes his medication it's hard for him to get anything done. He told me he hates taking the Aderol because he feels like he is depressed and can't get anything done even if it makes him focused but that when he doesn't take it, he's happy but that my parents are disappointed in him because he doesn't do what he's supposed to when they know he can on the Aderol. My dad said that he probably had ADD as a kid but that it had never been diagnosed and that's where my brother got it.
- Suicide - After my next door neighbor had died of her cancer, her husband became horribly depressed. I remember seeing him after my mom would pick me and my brother up from school and he'd be walking around the neighborhood so sad looking. A few months after my baby sister was born, I found out that he had died. It wasn't till I was eight that I over heard my parents talking about how he committed suicide. Whenever I go back to see my old house, he and she are the first people I think of. It's haunting to see his garden that he worked on every summer to have just died. I really wish I could have talked to him before he died. He and his wife taught me a lot...and I miss them.
- Self-Injury - For about two years I cut myself. I started out with poking myself with pushing pins just to bruise the surface. Then I started to snip my skin with school scizzors which my parents found the scars of. In one of my suicide attempts, I cut my wrists with those scizzors but they were never sharp enough so they only left scars. I also used those pair to cut up my forearm which I told my mom the scars were from falling out of trees which I did a lot. The last time I cut was the most serious. A large gash on my arm that I used a perry knife. It wasn't as painful as I had wanted to be and I ended up with this amazingly ugly scar that I'm ashamed of. I told my parents that I tripped and cut my arm on a broken radio antenna which one of my siblings broke(they did break it). Yeah. Not fun stuff. I never ever ever ever ever ever ever want to do it again. Ever.
- Insomnia - It takes me for-ever to fall asleep anymore. I'll get in bed at around ten because I'm so exhausted but I won't get asleep till midnight for some reason. My dad gets me up at five every morning so I get a good start on my school work which is really helpful since I hate waking up to sun. I don't hate the sun! I love sunsets. I just love cloudy days. I've even written a poem to describe why I love it so much because my overly-optimistic brother never seems to understand why I'd just love to sleep the hours away of a sunny afternoon(he also doesn't understand what little sleep I get). I know my mom has been on drugs to help her get to sleep because of her insomnia, but they never work. My grandma also has trouble sleeping. Both of them occasionally use Lunesta but that only keeps them on track for a little while before their bodies build up a resistance to the drug.
chewable_garnet's Story
I don't really have a story...I'm just an average teen that's homeschooled(I guess that's not average). My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles are all very wonderful people and would never in a million years hurt me. I'm the oldest of four kids. And even though my siblings put me through hell every day, I'd do anythin' for em. But I get depressed in the only way to describe it as "waves". I know everyone at my age gets depressed, but I hate it. I also cannot stand talking about myself. It just feels...not right...
I'm into anime/manga and Korean and Japanese dramas. Currently, I'm teaching myself Japanese(not getting very far) and am planning to take Mandarin next year since it will be provided by my school. I'm Russian, Austrian, Polish, Chzeck, Slovak, and a couple other nationalities I can't remember...
My grades are one of my number one priorities as they are my parents'. I am a total failure in Algebra but I enjoy Physics, Literature, and World History. I'm a horrible procrastinator though which is damaging to my grades. Any time I get anything less than an A, my parents really flip and restrict me from anything that comes to mind. I'm not sure if that should be a motivation or not...
Recently, I've found ways to vent my depression such as swim team, piano, photography, and sketching. I've also found a couple of very good real-life friends but I'm afraid of what they'll think of me if I tell them about my suicidal and cutting past. I tried to commit suicide three times. Overdose, Hanging, and Cutting my wrists all very unsuccessful, painful secrets. I have a lot of scars I feel very badly about considering I lied to my parents about 80% of them. I realize why I did it too. It was because I hated myself so much and was too selfish and blind to see how great I had it. I'm better now, but just so depressed.
I've also found out that I've never been able to escape this depression. It's always hidden under some mask of temporary relief, waiting to jump me.
My mom has had a horrible history herself. When she was 18, she was run over by a motor boat and her right leg was almost severed at the knee. She shouldn't have lived. She's had hip, back, and knee problems since then and she is going to be 45 this summer. She is on Morphine and is in pain 24/7. Also, she was and in my mind still is a radiation oncologist(cancer doctor) and is the most brilliant woman I've ever met. Even if she scares me, pushes me to the edge and we have our quarrels, I love her so much. And within the next year, she is facing a complicated knee replacement which involves plastic surgery that could leave her leg amputated if it goes wrong. Also standing in her way of being successful is she has the exact same cardiac history as my Grandfather who should have died 30 years ago from his problems, but since he was a Navy guy and so fit, he was able to survive his heart attacks, one of which I witnessed this previous summer. Also, she is going through pre-menopause because of the stress of raising four kids and homeschooling them and putting up with the acceptance of this surgery.
One of those two really good friends is also a guy who I love very much and it's pretty obvious to both of our families but neither of us will admit it. Yes, it's a wonderful thing. It's also a heartbreaking thing because this summer he is moving three hours away so he can go to a better high school and I will miss him so much. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him though how much he has helped me and how much I care for him before it's too late.
I currently am having issues with my religion. My dad has been pushing it on to me since two years ago when I had cut myself. It's not that I don't believe in God, but I just cannot place my faith in him. I know it disappoints my Grandma especially because she is so religious. So I agreed for her to be my CCD teacher for the summer so I could be confirmed. I don't know if I want to be though. When I was a little kid I felt like this, but every other kid was getting their first communion and I thought it was normal for some doubt. I don't want to lie and be considered an adult of the church when I don't know if I can be spiritually. It really eats at me.
My friends say that I am under way too much stress all the time trying to help my mom out with the house and my siblings and trying to keep my grades up. That I just keep making excuses. What am I supposed to do though? All I can do is hope, which is something I'm not good at since my hopes usually get crushed when it comes to wanting the simplest things that aren't even for myself.
chewable_garnet's Blogs
chewable_garnet has 4 blogs. [view all]
- Tired - Mon, May 12, 2008 - [view]
Me and my family went to the DC area so my mom could have an appointment about her knee surgery and it turns out that it won't be as complicated as everyone thought it would be. She is even considering having it done this summer. I feel happy for her that she has a higher chance at getting out of this pain, but I'm also so scared. Is that selfish?As if that hasn't been enough on my ... - Just lost in a Simple Game of Cat and Mouse? - Fri, May 02, 2008 - [view]
While my standardized testing is over, and I have decided to stick with homeschooling through high school, I am feeling lost. Astray from what I could be. I know what comes with staying home these next four years. It's not long, and yes I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't want to screw up. Those feelings of being lost and depressed are really getting to me. My siblings a... - Falling, Falling, Falling... - Thu, April 24, 2008 - [view]
This has to be the worst day for me when it came to coping with my depression. It's not that I wanted to cut but I felt worthless and that I'm falling farther and farther into this pit. My chest has been literally aching nonstop for hours. I try to smile, but I can't fake. It's just not like me to do something like that. So my mom's getting worried and wants to schedule a pe... - Failing Support Beams - Mon, April 21, 2008 - [view]
Today wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so tired. I've slept thirteen hours out of the past twenty four which is bugging me. I suppose I have to realize that it's just trying to catch up with sleep. Mom's pain is really bad lately. She hit her knee a couple times on Saturday night which is leaving her sore. I want so badly to help her. Just to give her a new knee. Invent s...