holland906's Profile
- Sex: Female
- Age: 49
- Location:
Escanaba, MI 49829
Recent Questions holland906 is Interested In
Issues holland906 is Interested In
- Depression - How does this condition affect you? I don't want to do anything, generally stay on the couch. I cry constantly. I have no concentration. I avoid people as much as possible. I have problems enjoying anything. Lately, I have been irritable and crabby. So bad I can't stand myself. The suicidal thoughts have increased immensely and the cutting has increased as well. I just feel like I don't know how long I can deal with this anymore. I feel generally shitty. I was on the Emsam patch and Seroquel among others but the doctor took me off the patch and the Seroquel at the same time. This has really sent me into a tail spin. As I told my husband we are in for a rough two weeks because Emsam is an MA OI inhibitor and so you have to be off of that for two weeks before you can start any other anti-depressants. The doctor wanted me to go into the hospital but I told him I didn't want to as I was just there in February. This had been my seventh hospitalization. This disease just really sucks!
- Dysthymia - How does this condition affect you? I have suffered from dysthymia for several years. My mood is never quite where it should be. I have been receiving psychotherapy including cognitive therapy and have been on anti-depressants regularly since 2001. I did have several bouts of major depression previous to that as well including post partum depression after the birth of both of my children. As far as the anti-depressants go, I have what is called treatment resistant depression. The medications usually work for awhile and then stop working and we have to go on to something else. I have tried so many we are getting to the end of the list. I have had 2 sessions of ECT but am not allowed to have anymore because it affects my heart by causing cardiac arrest. I would really like to feel "normal" for just one day. Of course I don't know what "normal" is.
- Narcolepsy - How does this condition affect you? I have a really hard time driving any distances. I also have a hard time sleeping at night. My normal nights sleep is approximately three hours. I generally sleep from 2:00 a.m. - 5:00 a.m.
- Panic Attacks - How does this condition affect you? I have a very high anxiety level and the panic attacks generally come out of the blue. Some of the things that happen are my heart races, I start to sweat, generally I cry, I feel like I am smothering, and I generally feel out of control.
- Self-Injury - How does this condition affect you? I cut to relieve anxiety. There are times when I cut everday. It initially helps me feel better but then I feel extremely guilty. We are going on a trip to Florida and I am worried what people are going to think when they see my arms. There pretty much is no way of hiding the scars. I have not revealed this to many people. It is my secret. The only people that know are the people in my support group, which I just told last week, my husband, and one of my best friends.
- Suicide - How does this condition affect you? I battle these thoughts almost everday. I have never really had an attempt but I have come close. Because my plan is to overdose my husband keeps all my medications locked up. I also have thought because I am a self-injurer that it wouldn't take much to cut deeper or to slit my wrists. It is a constant battle to keep these thoughts under control.
- General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) - How does this condition affect you? I have high anxiety all of the time. I worry about everyone, everything, and all the time. There are times when the anxiety actually consumes me. I use self-injury to curb some of the attacks of anxiety. It works for a short time but then I feel guilty which causes more anxiety. It's a vicious circle.
- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - How does this condition affect you? I primarily have what is called emotional dysregulation, extreme "black and white" thinking, or "splitting", and turbulent relationships. I can also be described by mental health professionals as having a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior, and a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. I experience intense bouts of depression, anxiety, or anger that may last only minutes, hours, or at most a day. I also exhibit self-destructive behaviors of which mine is self-cutting, usually of the arms, but often other areas such as the legs, chest,and belly. The cutting may or may not be carried out with suicidal intent, even though both show an increased chance of suicide with self-injury attempts.
holland906's Story
I am married (30 years) and I have two children, a daughter and a son. My daughter is an endoscopic technician and my son is in the Army stationed at Fort Bragg, NC. I am unemployed but have a AAS, AA, and BSW degrees. I am currently in school studying to obtain my Master's Degree in Human Services. I started with major depression when was sixteen years old. I had two bouts with post partum depression when my children were born. I led a very active life after that until 1999 when I fell down the basement stairs and ruptured a disk in my neck that required surgery. My active life all of a sudden came to a screeching halt. After that my depression worsened, I learned I had generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks, narcolepsy, and became a self-injurer. My depression is treatment resistant so I have battled these disorders since then. I have had two ECT treatments but cannot have any more because the treatment makes my heart stop and they have to bring me back. I self-injure because my anxiety is so high this seems to be the only way to get it under control. I try all of the other strategies that I know of to handle it but usually always resort to cutting. This has been an uphill battle for me as I have been hospitalized 8 times and can't seem to heal completely. Just when I think I am making progress, I have another episode and am back down at the bottom again.
holland906's Blogs
holland906 has 3 blogs. [view all]
- Mom Problems - Mon, May 12, 2008 - [view]
My mother drives me totally crazy. First of all, she does not recognize mental illness as a disease. She always says I would be better if i got off the pills. She just doesn't understand that I need these medications to live. If I didn't have them I know I would be dead right now. I just got out of the hospital for the ninth time being treated for severe depression with suicidal ideatio... - Help! - Thu, April 17, 2008 - [view]
My doctor took me off the Emsam patch which is an MAOI inhibitor as well as the Seroquel. This has really sent me into a tail spin. The suicidal thoughts have increased immensely and so has the cutting. I am not sure how long I can deal with this anymore. I have been fighting this disease for the last 32 years and I am sick of it. I just get to where I am feeling somewhat better and then bamm I... - Today was a rough day - Wed, March 26, 2008 - [view]
Today I am having many suicidal thoughts. We are getting ready to go to Florida and I should be excited but instead I am thinking like this. My husband is in charge of all of my meds and keeps them locked up so that I don't have access to them because I have thought of suicide many times before and my plan is to take an overdose. So normally I don't have access to any meds. However, we ...