invician's Profile
- Sex: Male
- Age: 16
- Location:
mesa, AZ 85201
Issues invician is Interested In
- Shyness - never in my life have i approached or talked to someone that i dont know and or havent talked to me first. even with family members im shy as hell and i will hide myself. im freakn 16 now and i still hide from strangers like a little kid. when they get closer my heart rate goes crazy and it beats me up at times... i feel scared altough they might be a nice person or my cousin.. theres a fear that makes me run.
- Stress - im sure that it is stress that will drive me to my end... man, im... my life could be considered a great life but everything is coming at me too fast and too strong. im a smart guy i guess and i get alot of college stuff but with the infamous drma that happens at school as well as the homework and fiend issues, not to mention the family problems, it it breaks me. i have major migrains and when i get one i usually go blind for a few hours. the pain from all the stress, it blinds me but at least for that moment in time... the only thing that exsists is me... im free but when i come back, when i see agian..its a damn circle...
- Headaches/Migraines - like mentioned already. its all the stress and pressure of being alive. fighting to breathe every moment... its tiring and at times i think it futile... the pain in my head, it reassures me that i am alive but it also tells me of how my life is putting this on me... i do this to myself right?
- Low Self Esteem - well i think this takes the cake( cant beleive i wrote that) anyway i have had low selfesteem since... lets say since i was 6. i would always be put down by not only my friends but my mom too. the thing is that b4 my mom met my dad( whos my blood dad of me, my lil bro and sis) my mom was married to some other fool and she had 4 kids. my half bros. my mo woud always say that they were the best of the best going to world champion ships and shit. as a effing 6 year old i though" wow. i suk" and every time i got a good grade she talked how this was common for my bros and when i get a bad grade shed say that they would NEVER get a bad grade cus they were perfect. fuk i try too. pardon the vulgarity. ;). so i got put down by her and my friends. as for why my friends optu me down as well? who knows. i dont like hurtn peopl so i just take it... i dont want to be like them but hey, i could already and be in denial. damn mental stuff...
- Pessimism - for a person that smiless 24/7 even when sleeping im a pretty negative person. i try to put out all the possible outcums with stuff but most r bad while only one i good and cool. i guess u can say im so usd to the bad things in life that thats all i see...
- Depression - Damn... Well sincerely i can say that i have been depressed since i was 5 years old. that was 11 years ago and still i haven't been " truly " happy since then. All of my friends ask why i always smile... i don't know why but i can't frown and even when i have the NEED to breakdown i cant. the saying of bottled emotions is true because you feel like you want to burst out but at those times my smile just gets bigger... my damn grin gets freak'n brighter! i hate that! i hate that i can't be happy... i hate that im depressed but its some mental crap that i do know but... it gets at me... hell, i have gone through months not talking to my parents and when they try to get through to me they always bring up some crap about me changing when i turned 11. ironic huh?
- Suicide - this thought goes way back... i get teary and crap but don't know why.. i have had this stupid thought since i was effing 4. frekn 4 years old and the thought of suicide was strong as hell. the pressure, the stress, the feeling of exsistintg drives me mad! i... i have cuased alot of grief towards my family... especially my dad and i know... i could prove that if i wasn't born, if i disappeared my family would be in much better health and economic crap. no one would miss me, im a tool to all my friends anyway... so many oppurtunities yet they get in the way... my family and friends just keep me around for mt use, nothing more...
- Bipolar Disorder - my family and friends would tell me im not me... i would tell my sister about another me that i would talk to but it, when i would talk to him i felt safe but he was more, dark, more serious... at times when i couldn't handle something a voice, another person would jump in and it got better, but at those times i would be like a monster. i would go berserk and start freakn out but i couldnt control it. when im like that the words in my head that are loud like thunder are " kill him kill him!!!" once i was beating up my brother pretty badly, he was just messing with me but then i just blew up and when i got him on the floor and strangling him i started crying... now he laughs about it but that feeling... that voice comes and goes, the thoughts of killing and suicide is all thet voice, that me wants...
invician's Story
I... don't know why i am on here in the first place really... By another's point of view my life would seem perfect but i... This place is to help, right? its the first time iv been on HOPECUBE, the funny thing is it came accross my google search on how to run away perfectly, dont know why it came up but if this site can help with my problems then its better than my stupid thoughts, the thing is that i don't like reciving help but i... desire it. I WANT TO EFFING EXPLOAD EVERY SINGLE MOMENT AT THIS DAMN LIFE! I WANT MY SOUL TO FREAKN BURST AND GET IT OVER WITH NOW, NOW, NOW!!! but i don't look like or act like a person that thinks and feels this...
invician's Blogs
Why don't you encourage invician to write a blog?