Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) -

Depression -

Phobia - I have... weird phobias. I have a fear of drains, which isn't too bad but makes for some weird ways of taking a shower, especially when your new bathroom is simply a shower stall with the drain right in the center... yeah that kinda sucks. I have a fear of fire, even from lighters and matches so I guess it's a good thing I don't smoke. I have a fear of a certain type of common bug which made living in my old house an absolute nightmare, as they were everywhere. I was constantly stressed and afraid and slept with the light one, checking every inch of the room I was in to make sure there wasn't one, and if one did show up you couldn't get me back in that room for months. So I was constantly moving rooms just to have a place to sleep--my room, my brother's room, my mother's room, the study, and the living room. Worst phobia ever.

Stress -

Low Self Esteem - My self-esteem is pretty much non-existant most of the time. It's kind of annoying, really.

Suicide - I was very suicidal for a period of time in my life. All I wanted was to die, though I could never bring myself to attempt it. I cut everyone out of my life except for one person, an online friend who I spent every moment I could talking with, and he was all that kept me going. When I wasn't talking with him, I was sleeping and wishing I were dead. Thankfully another friend refused to be cut out of my life and she rescued me from where I'd barricaded myself in, and I got back into therapy for a bit and slowly dragged myself out of the pits of hell.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - I could probably write for ages on this. Basically, it's hell on my mood--it's hardly ever stable, swinging around drastically several times over the course of a day. I've also got huge issues with anger. People generally wind up "in favour" or "out of favour" with me, I can't seem to put them in a middle ground even when I know it's irrational. This has made for shitty friendships and family relationships. I completely panic at the thought of being truly alone, even as I push people away. I don't trust anyone. I don't really understand how to cope with things or interact with people, and this has apparently made me manipulative (my mother was certainly quick to accuse me of this ever since elementary school). I've only recently started to see just how much of the way my life and personality is linked to my BPD, and I'm nowhere near to understanding or overcoming it.

Self-Injury - It started when I was three. My parents were constantly fighting by that time, and our various apartments were thick with tension. I was constantly stressed by all this because I couldn't understand it, and took to picking at my arm with my fingernails. At some point I stopped. At fourteen I was dealing with a ton of mental issues, the biggest being depression, and at nights laying in bed unable to sleep I'd feel so depressed and hopeless that I would phsyically ache from it. One night I couldn't take it any more and scratched at my arm with my fingernails. It helped, but it wasn't enough, so I took the end of a nail file and scratched with that. I went to school the next day with red lines all over my arm. No one asked about them. I no longer remember how I made the transition from that to actually cutting my arm with a boxcutter blade. But when I got really angry and out of control feeling, or I felt so empty and depressed, I'd cut my left arm up and then hide everything under long sleeves. I cut on and off, I'd have bouts of time where I'd do it often and then other times could go months without doing it. I still haven't completely stopped, though it's been much easier now to resist the urge. When my mother found out, I started finding other ways to hurt myself as well--now when I'm very frustrated or angry I'll bite my arm as hard as I can, or pound my thighs with my fists until I feel better. I don't bruise visibly very easily, so no one finds out. It's been sort of a trap on my life, really. At first it was great, made me feel great, took away all my bad feelings, but eventually I started to feel ashamed and horrible about what I was doing, so I'd have to cut again to make those feelings leave, and then I'd feel bad about -that-, until it got to the point where I'd feel both great and horrible while I was cutting. It's a hard cycle to break out of, and as I said I still haven't completely managed.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - It causes me to do things that others would view as strange, but I -have- to do them, otherwise things don't feel right and I feel off until I do it. Thankfully it's only a mild case, but it still tends to be a problem in my life sometimes. For example, in highschool I used to have to turn my locker dial until it just felt right before I could actually start doing the combination, and sometimes if it was a while before it felt right it could make me late to class. Another strange thing I used to do was collect dead batteries, but I've been working on fighting that compulsion for years and now I can manage to throw away most batteries :)

Insomnia - It's a right pain a lot of the time. Sometimes I end up crying because I so desperately want sleep but am unable to get it. I've had a few bouts of insomnia that have lasted 36~40 hours, and trying to function in daily life on no sleep for that long absolutely sucks. More commonly though my insomnia keeps me awake until the early morning hours--five, six, sometimes seven, and then I catch a few hours of sleep before work (or school, in the past). It also has me unable to sleep steady throughout the night, and the slightest change in a room can wake me up. I've also never had a restful night's sleep, because even when asleep I'm plagued by nightmares--yet another reason I have trouble falling asleep--I'm afraid.

Lactose Intolerance - I can't eat most dairy. About the only thing I can handle is small amounts of cheese (preferably colby!), like for tacos or a grilled cheese. I can also eat about three bites of ice cream without problem, otherwise forget it. The good thing is I don't even like most dairy, and I loathe milk, so it's not a huge problem |D

Vertigo - idk, I just get vertigo sometimes--I'll be still and the next thing I know the world is spinning around me. It doesn't happen very often and it doesn't last for very long, so I don't think it's indicative of any major problem like a balance disorder, but it is rather annoying when it does happen.

Headaches/Migraines - I get headaches almost daily, and as I have trouble swallowing pills and chew them instead, this makes me very relucant to take aspirin for my headaches. They're nearly always tension headaches these days because I'm often stressed out, but when I was in highschool I'd occasionally get bad migraines that would leave me stuck in bed and missing class all day. The last migraine I had was when I was seventeen though, and I hope to keep it that way.

Social Anxiety Disorder - I do not like people and I definitely do not like being around them. Crowds make me panic. The end.