trashcan_lolita's Profile
- Sex: Female
- Age: 19
- Location:
14526
Issues trashcan_lolita is Interested In
- Asthma - How does this condition affect you? I almost died of an asthma attack when I was three, but from there it has only gotten better. I haven't had any trouble with it in a long time now and I hope that I will eventually outgrow it completely
- Pessimism - How does this condition affect you? I'm just a grade-a pessimist I think. At least when I compare myself to friends who seem to be the exact opposite. I am always making tiny problems into big ones, and I really wish I weren't like that
- Low Self Esteem - How does this condition affect you? How it affects me...it basically rules my life. I just hate myself. It's nobody else's fault/problem. I'm the problem. I am a bad person who needs to go away.
- Diet and Weight Maintenance - How does this condition affect you? I'm obsessed with it right now. Changing the way I look on the outside seems easier to deal with than changing the way I look on the inside.
- Stuttering - How does this condition affect you? Never been a real stutterer, but I have some kind of speech impediment that shows up when I get nervous or talk too fast. Partly why I don't like talking
- Shyness - How does this condition affect you? I feel uncomfortable around people who are more outgoing and faster talkers than me. I tend to get quieter and quieter, shutting myself in completely in that kind of company. Because most of the things I say are incredibly stupid, and I just really hate myself after having opened my mouth, and beat myself up a lot in my head..
- Food Addiction - How does this condition affect you? Once I take a bite out of something I'm hooked. My entire day is ruined because for the rest of the time I'm awake, I can't. stop. thinking. about. food. so I eat and eat. The feeling of guilt and hopelessness I get afterwards is so emotionally draining that when the choice is up to me, I'd prefer not to eat anything at all.
- Insomnia - How does this condition affect you? According to my parents, I've had trouble sleeping since I was born. Since eight grade or so I've been afraid of trying to sleep because once I put myself in bed the negative thoughts would start burning through my head at a million miles an hour, keeping me awake and feeling awful for a long time. But once I let go of everything, (stopped going to school, erased anything that could present some kind of stress out of my life) I can sleep. And that feels incredibly good
- Panic Attacks - How does this condition affect you? Not me, my ex-boyfriend. I knew that he was on meds but not why, and he always avoided the subject :( it was only after we had broken up that I found out...I wish he could have talked to me about it and not just shut me out of that part of his life.
- Depression - How does this condition affect you? I've stopped going to school. I don't leave the house if I can help it. I haven't seen my friends in weeks, or talked on the phone with anyone. :( I don't want to wake up in the morning, or get up, and so on. typical depression things I guess. There's nothing really, that I want to do...just having the strength to go sit in front of the computer for a while feels like I've done something to be proud of... Like Elliott Smith sings: "anything is better than nothing" ~ just started taking Zoloft, hopefully this will do me a lot of good. trying to be positive :)
trashcan_lolita's Story
so...here I am. I don't really know what I'm doing here, but it's true that I'm depressed, though I’m sure that I don't have it nearly as bad as a lot of you guys; my problems come mostly from inside. So even if I know that I s h o u l d be a happy person..that's not what I am. I have a hard time trusting people and revealing things about myself, and sometimes I just downright suck at expressing myself. Even so, I hope I can get to know people on this site…I think it might be a good thing for me to talk to other people who feel the same way I do.
I haven't been to school for weeks now. One Monday I just woke up and felt no; I can't put on that happy face anymore. It just got to be too much. I live in Sweden my home country, but lived in the states for 3 years when I was younger. I've been more-or-less unhappy ever since we moved back from the U.S. seven years ago. Most of the time I can't feel anything at all, except a constant sadness. That Monday when I stopped going to school, it was like just letting go. Of everything. In some ways, that makes me feel so much better. At the same time, now there’s nothing I want to do. Being this empty is in its own way draining. A lot of times I’ve thought to myself: I could just as well not get out of bed today. Sometimes I just lie around staring at the wall for hours.
Music is what makes me feel calm right now. When you're listening to someone else's voice n your head your own thoughts don't get much room, and that's the way I like it. Some of my favorites right now are: Elliott Smith - a lot of his songs are about depression...so if any lyrics go straight to my heart, it’s his...I also like Dir En Grey, Antic Café, The Butterfly Massacre, NIN, Muse, Death Cab For Cutie, Queen, The Knife, Placebo, Nirvana, and yeah obviously I could just go on and on…:)
I write. (poems, novels that never get finished..) I draw (not very good, want to get better) I usually love to read (but not now. can't concentrate enough) I like movies. At the moment I sit around and stare at the computer and listen to music a lot.
trashcan_lolita's Blogs
trashcan_lolita has 3 blogs. [view all]
- hope. - Sat, October 20, 2007 - [view]
I just started taking Zoloft a few days ago, but I’m already starting to feel this kind of inner peace. Even though I’m still having my negative thoughts, they’re a lot easier to cope with now that I don’t have them together with that constant feeling of sadness and despair tearing me up from the inside. I haven’t felt this tranquil in a long long time so it’s a really strange exp... - Dad. - Tue, October 16, 2007 - [view]
Poor Dad...I think I'm really getting him down with the way I'm acting. He found me just sitting around on the bathroom floor in the dark-I actually think I made him cry. I have NEVER seen my Dad cry. I have definitely never MADE him cry before...or it's just that he has a bad cold and he's been looking red-eyed all day. Hard to tell. I still think I made them cry though. Dads d... - another monday morning - Mon, October 15, 2007 - [view]
feels like I'm having one of my better days today...and I'm grateful for that. I'm actually considering starting school again, (as in still not going to school, but doing some of the assignments at home..) If I can concentrate enough that is. And I usually love reading (it's one of the few things that can make me feel something, whether it's happiness, or...