Mom Problems

My mother drives me totally crazy. First of all, she does not recognize mental illness as a disease. She always says I would be better if i got off the pills. She just doesn't understand that I need these medications to live. If I didn't have them I know I would be dead right now. I just got out of the hospital for the ninth time being treated for severe depression with suicidal ideation. Our mental health center here is closing so we have to find another psychiatrist. I have chosen to go to the psychiatrist that treats me when I am hospitalized but he is two hours away from home. Because I have narcolepsy, I have to have a driver. The date of my appointment is a day that my husband has to work 3-11 so I will need someone else to drive me. I asked my mom if she thought my sister could help me out and she said she didn't know. But, she also said, "I hope they can help you this time!" It wasn't so bad she said it, it was the way she said it. All the times I was in the hospital she never called once to see how I was doing. I feel like I could disappear and no one would even notice except my husband and my daughter. I just had to vent I get so upset.

Mechanical Heart Value

 

Hi

New person on the block.  Last December I had open heart surgery.  They told me I was going to died within the year if I didn't have surgery.  I felt good I had no symptoms other than some shortness of breathe and a slight pain in my left upper chest area. I felt happy and was exercising one hour daily.

Now I feel unhappy I always have a slight headache I have no  motivation to exercise.  I have to take warfrin to thin my blood.  The doctor explained that some times when they stop the heart people my have depression.  Well I've never had depression in my life.  Now I feel sad all the time. Thanks for listening.

pinkpearl 

 

 

I did it again.

It's worse than I've ever done before. I have to wrap from my wrist to my elbow to cover it. What's even worse is that this is the second day in a row that I've done it at work.

 

Why is it so soothing to watch my own blood fall? 

dog attack

yesterday i was talking to my nabor and his boxer jumped the fence and bit me. i had to go to the hospital later that day and get stitches. i get them out next week.

Turn the music down

Eh.. It’s three in the morning. XD Thought I’d make an entry since I haven’t yet this week. I had a dream last night- or at least the only dream I can remember. It was about trains.. Four of them. I was trying to figure out when they would stop and start and was walking along beside them. To dream that you are walking alongside the railroad tracks, signifies much happiness from your skillful completion of your tasks. Alternatively, the dreamer may have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.. That makes me laugh.

I Haven’t been remembering any of my dreams lately though.. I guess it’s good I remembered at least one, but still.. Trains?

Oh! I remembered another one I had last night.

I was with Heidi in an apartment- the one where I lived when I was about nine. Heidi and I were moving. She wanted to split everything into two rooms. I whined, telling her no- only one room. Then she went over to a box and picked up a stack of pictures- saying she was going to throw them out since my father was in them. So, of course I snatched them away from her before she could(XD) and ran out the door and up this really steep hill. I stashed the pictures underneath something and walked back down the hill. It had taken over an hour to do.. When I came back home, Heidi had the door open and two men were standing there with like.. Police uniforms or something on and their regular clothes over it. Yuki was one of the men standing there. When I saw them, I got this weird look on my face and the three of us just started laughing hysterically while Heidi stood there, clueless.

To dream that you are climbing a hill, signifies your struggles in achieving a goal. To dream that you are standing on top of a hill, signifies that you have succeeded in your endeavors or that you have now have the resources to complete a task at hand. Well.. I did both of those in my dream. Ha- guess I am accomplished now.

Fell asleep right after school again.. (sorry T__T) So, that’s why I set my alarm at two to get up and finish my homework.. Although I really could care less if it’s finished or not and have blown if off many times.. Heh..

I was reading through this one story which I do not have a name for yet(Yeah.. I know) and actually thought it was halfway decent.. Some parts need to slow down though.. I’ve got a tendency to speed things up and so like three days happen on one page.. XD Just kidding- it takes eight pages this time for one day. It’s just the things is.. Well- gay romance. My therapist asked for one and I almost pass out.. Because the only one without gay romance is when the main character falls in love with her therapist soo… That would be awkward.. Just a little.

We’re playing softball in gym.. Ahh- so help me god. >< Softball isn’t as bad as hockey was though.. In softball, you can avoid playing and interacting with everyone more than hockey- which is good for me.

Gah.. It’s already past three.. Makes me feel rushed. >< No idea why… I have 3-4 more hours.

I thought this was funny:

“Fine, what cologne are you wearing?” I asked.

“The one on the counter in the red bottle,” Kyle said, being preoccupied with how shiny his hair was.

“Fine, I’m using this one.”

“No!” Kyle bellowed.

I blinked.

“If you use the same kind as me, then we’ll both smell the same!”

I blinked again. “That’s kind of what I was aiming for.”

“Use a different one. We need to be individuals here, you know.”

More serious tone I guess..:

Then, Kyle spoke. “How many more times are we going to go back there Angelo?”

“Back where?” I asked.

“Back home.”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean,” I said, rather confused.

“We can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of them.”

“Your parents?” I asked, still confused.

“All he did was flaunt his masculinity and all she did was abide by his rules. They haven’t changed. It’s too old fashioned for me.”

“…It’s a tradition to go home for Christmas.”

“No, it’s a tradition to go home and have a rancid Christmas,” Kyle said, turning off of the highway and onto State line.

“You were able to skip out last Christmas so they’ll probably be even more pleased to see you.”

“They’re never pleased to see me.”

“And why not?” I asked.

“Angelo, I am their only son, not to mention their only child. They’ve known for a while now that they’re not getting any grandchildren.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Who’d want those things anyway?” I asked, haphazardly.

The silence returned.

My story.. XPP That was just to show you how it sort of goes. Eh- HALF decent anyway.

 

Currently listening: "Coastal cities" - The secret handshake

 

–Meghan

Arthritis Pain

Arthritis is a complex disorder that comprises more than 100 distinct conditions and can affect people at any stage of life. Two of the most common forms are osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis……………..

This interesting article is posted by "Steven Godlewski" at http://www.healthocrates.com/Arthritis-Pain-and-Vitamin-Supplements. For more information visit :- http://www.healthocrates.com

and so it begins…

Well, i'm gonna be honest with everyone..i cut again on Wednesday, causing my 5 month cut free streak to end.

I'm really sad about it, but i was so upset, i was crying uncontrollably, everything was spinning, i was feeling sick, i didn't know what to do, i couldn't sleep, and the blade was staring me down. i did it about 15 times, but they were light (because i had to work with my mom on Saturday and i had to make sure they wouldn't be noticeable), so they healed pretty quick. 

Basically, my school work is pressing down on me and i can't handle it anymore. just going day by day is hard enough. I have literally 4 essays due by monday and a fifth by tuesday, 2 project presentations this week, and 5 independent study projects for excel due by the 15th. I'm having trouble just trying to keep my cool.

I'm okay now though, the urges are no longer coming as bad and there are very few times when i wanna hit. i'm going airsofting on the 17th though, so hopefully that will be enough pain to last me a couple of weeks/months.

 

Again, i'm really sorry and i'll try harder next time… 

 

FyreSakura 

The State of Our World

I found a meditation course that starts next week.  And I actually have those days off from work, so I'm going to attend.  It's a good starting point.

I've completely bombed on my attempt to write a book.  Maybe I'll try again, someday. 

I have a good start on finding a (new) direction.  It's hard, though.  Everything I once believed in has blown up in my face and I don't even know what I care about anymore.  All I really know for sure is that I exist, and that there's a reason for it.  Other than that, I haven't a clue.  I'm right now just accepting what is.  Trying not to judge it as good or bad.  (That's a challenge)

I'd still like to find love.  Someone to share the rest of my life with, but I don't know if that will ever happen.  I'm trying to be okay with the fact that it might not.  I know that the older I get, the less likely it is to happen.  Especially considering that I'm not quite as "free-spirited" (read: easy) as many women out there are.  People these days seem to value things like honor, loyalty, fidelity, etc. a lot less than they used to.  Things that were once meant for two people who share a bond and nobody else are no longer sacred or even special.  If that's the case, then what's the point? 

People anymore equate morals and values with "hang-ups". 

Hey

 Okie dokie here's my first blog post. :3 Hello everyone!

 I just finished my first college semester at Jacksonvilel State University. I'm studying to be either a zookeeper or a wildlife rehabilitator.

 Also, I've applied for a job at the vet's office. Cross your fingers for me!

 I've been occupying myself with The Sims 2 Pets and Fire Emblem, as well as hanging out with my friend and such. Also I've deleted Low Self-Esteem from my list cause it's pretty much gone.

 Men still creep me out, but I know that's a small matter since I managed to hang out with a guy and his friends with no friends of mine around. XD

 See what can be accomplished when you try to make your life better instead of feeling sorry for yourself? I got through this and so can you. :3

Just lost in a Simple Game of Cat and Mouse?

While my standardized testing is over, and I have decided to stick with homeschooling through high school, I am feeling lost. Astray from what I could be. I know what comes with staying home these next four years. It's not long, and yes I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't want to screw up. 

 Those feelings of being lost and depressed are really getting to me. My siblings are screaming and yelling more and my parents are bickering more. When that happens my mom leans on me for support. I don't mind giving it, but when I'm this stressed I come off as a whiny brat when I can't explain myself maturely enough. My piano teacher is noticing that my quality of music on the keys is suffering. She knows that I've been working hard in school but she also knows the standardized tests are over, so I'm running out of excuses before I'm going to just have to face the truth.

 The whole point through this all is that I've had my first serious suicidal thought in a year. I'm so dissatisfied with how I'm living now. And it's not going to change for a long time which I know. Yeah, it's only four years you say. In one year my mom has her surgery, and on top of that she is showing signs of a pituitary gland tumor through her blood work which my dad has dismissed since they don't have the full lab results yet. If that really is the case then I will have missed my chance to escape this hell. There is no way I would really put another kink in the chain by killing myself just because I couldn't take it. Would I?

  Then it comes to, "Well how would I kill myself?" Easy. So easy. This is how I know I had never been serious those three times I did try. All I have to do is go into my mom's wine glass cabinet and reach for the hidden morphine bottle. It's that simple, and yet, I know I won't do it. I'll probably screw it up some how and end up with permanent brain damage knowing my luck.

 Not that my family doesn't matter, but I swear, the only thing keeping me going through this torture is Zach. I won't let him see me break. I can't. I have to hold up at least for him. Although, I'm not sure how far his care for me extends, I'd do a lot to make him happy and just as much to keep him from being in pain. Yet, I feel so trapped and even with the mental recording of his cheerful voice running through my head. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish life came with some kind of rebate even if it isn't for me. 

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