I'm 20 years old, and all I've ever want in my life is happiness. I want a normal life, with normal friends and a normal family, but that just never seems to be the case. My dad left me when I was young, my mom is abusive and punches me and throws things at me, all of my friends never seem to care, etc. I just found out that my sister is actually my step-sister, and my mom had another previous marriage. My mom always tells me that I'm pathetic and I don't deserve to live. Just because I don't have the same religious views as her, she thinks I'm the devil. She threatens me and tells me ways to kill myself, but these past few years I feel like I'm getting weaker by her words, and now I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. My boyfriend tells me that it's all out of love, but I doubt he understands. Nothing is helping me, and I feel like I should give it one last try and find people who can help me.

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The world is leaving me. There are spinning movements and I am not going with it. For them it is normal to go at that speed. I am scared at the fact that there are people going about in that pace. I am in the middle of things and I see the world move on without me. Thinking about doing as I want makes me crazy by their definition. I need to feed my impulses. I cannot control my mind or my physical abilities. I can't go into the world and act happy or that I am tired. I am not this way. I am depressed and I am happy. I am not a person I am an empty entity. I am not human I am a lost. I hurt myself, I cry, I am confident, I have a sex drive. I will steal I know it's wrong. I hear them telling me that there is nothing wrong with just going about what I really want. I do not know how to stop thinking this way I just do. For what it's worth I do acknowledge that I need help. I will be locked up if I don't get help ASAP. I am listening to the world from the outside and I am not apart of it. I feel alone and against the world at the same time. I feel isolated. I don't hear emotions from others, does that make me cold hearted. No. I am very honest with people even if they do not ask me to tell them. I don't care about their feelings nor do I care about mine.

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My parents found out that I smoke. I don't feel guilty about that, I know I will if they start throwing it on my face all time or if I hear them coughing.

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I have a brother that is in prison and I always wait too long to write him back. I don't know why. He's very important to me because it means so much that I do write. When I do write to him it makes me feel really guilty that he's been waiting for my response. I think I am oblivious to when I am depressed. There was a time were I would write to him almost everyday, I was hypomanic. And it makes me feel even worse to know that it really means a lot to him that I do write. I started to write to him but I don't know what to say anymore. I typed it as as a journal. so far I have two days.

I feel even more guilty that I find it more comfortable writing blogs than it is to write to my own brother. =/

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Depressed.  I know I'm sad, and I still have a hard time deciding what is a normal case of the blues, and what is a warning sign of depression.  The depression that is the opposite of mania is a black hole.  I've been there enough and don't want to go back.  Depression scares me, and it makes it hard for me to allow myself  to be sad.  I often find myself on the edge of tears, so sad or hurt, but stopping the feelings with an iron resolve because of the fear.  It sometimes seems as if I can't just let it go so that it doesn't build into a tumultuous storm.  Then, for no real reason, I can not hold back, and I'll splinter into fragments.  I can't do that right now, it's kind of hard to explain to a 4 year old…

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Well - I am clearly out of my comfort zone!

 Currently, I am at my son's taking care of his 4 yr old, house, fish, dog, and sugargliders.  Sugargliders?  Who wants a pet that bites, is nocturnal, and hates everyone?  Humm…

 His house is lovely.  Big, solid, newly redone.  Big yard, fenced.  He's got a plasma tv wider than my car, every cable channel imaginable, ps3, gamecube, hiwifi, and every imaginable electrinic gadget that has come out.  He's a single parent, a well-paid electrician, and is in Alaska, our hometown, fishing.  He goes every year, and for the last few years has been the captian on his own fleet boat.  That earns him a pile of money.

 So — I WANNA GO HOME!!!  This is not a vacation, and I am not a townie!

Take care, GBA,

Loft

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Been gone a while ):

I'm back to hating the shit out of life again. Really with I could die, or that one of these annoyances did, it would make things a lot easier. I cut myself a bit hoping it would make me feel better, I still feel lousy, if not even more aggravated with this life. 

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Well, to answer my past blog, I DID NOT cut! woot! anyway,my anime came out so i'm no longer upset about that. Uhm… I'm doing okay now. I think that's about it. Thanks for listening to me.

FyreSakura 

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Hi everyone. It's been a while. Right now i'm in a very low rut. it's late and i'm having trouble falling asleep. i'm depressed, and am trying to avoid cutting myself. i've been so good too. i've been crying on and off for the past 2 hours. i even had a slight…idk, vision? fantasy? dream?… about when i would cut and how i wanna do it again. i'm doing okay tho, i'm basically just pms-ing because i've got major cramps and they're driving me insane. i know it's not really a good idea, but i took twice my recommended dosage of painkillers to see if it'll help me to fall asleep and/or kill the cramps. i did that before and i was fine, so i did it again. uhm… i'm really upset because i can't find the the new episode of my anime anywhere subbed and it came out on thursday. everythings kinda okay here, my mom is kinda mean to me, but that's probably just cuz i'm lazy. field hockey is going okay, but its hard to try hard when i actually wanna quit. idk if i said before, but my mom's forcing me to play field hockey and my coaches are pressuring me as well becuz i'm good. i wanna quit, but i'll probably get fat if i do. … i think i'm in love with me best friend, but he's shy and so am i (kinda) so nothing's happening and i really miss him now that it's summer. i wanna call him but i'm scared and it's driving me insane as well. i'm thinking about asking him out soon, but i'm really busy and idk if i'm ready for that stuff cuz of my issues and schedule and work. arg! everything is so hectic with me that i could just puke. and even tho it is, all mom could say when she found out bout my self injury was 'u know, ur life's not that bad' SCREW YOU! it is to me! gosh, sometimes i just wanna…arg! sry, now i'm getting mad. wow, i wrote a lot. anyway, she thinks that i'm so tough and can handle anything when i'm really not. school is hard becuz my classes are a bitch, and now that i'm finally free from school, she's making me do a tutoring disk i got from my teacher to learn the stuff we didn't finish in school. like come on, really?! i'm soooo pissed and mad i just wanna kill something. … i'm really more upset than mad, i havent talked in a while and i'm basically letting out feelings i've had for the past couple months. sorry for writing so much. 

FyreSakura 

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