He comes in my room stands there never says a word then walks out screaming F**King Computer what can I do he is no friend to me and I am looking for a friend to talk to. I need Support and he wont give it to me. I wish he would never come home at times. I can't take it no more.
im reverting bak to my old self again =.= *slaps self* bad taku bad bad taku some1 help
btw kyoko is doing good but shes so upset with mii TT.TT heeeeelllllpppp
I seem to spend more time on daily strength than here but here goes. After seriously destroying my life, relationships with family, and no longer having most of the trust of my friends I wonder where do I go from here? I’ve quit drinking after that night, I do feel much better and my anger limit has stayed closer to normal. If my limit has went up I haven’t noticed it. I’ve even gotten rid of my aggressive music and lost interest in seeing violence in movies.
As for her I’m under a court order not to contact her but I know she’s ok or as well as can be expected. I don’t think I will be able to climb out of the hole I’m in (Depression) until I am out of this small town with nothing to offer me. Until then I hang on and don’t drink and keep busy. We are in the middle of Winter here and we’ve gotten allot of snow. Worse thing is there is no jobs and I’m stuck in limbo waiting and dreading court dates.
I find that people are afraid to admit what their anger has done to other people and because I am under a court order with charges against me I probably won’t admit to doing things that in my memory are a blur. Its a horrible place to be because right away everyone assumes that the abuser is that way by choice. It isn’t. My dad was angry and abusive when he was around and I was beaten regularly at school. I was always the quiet type and when I was in school. (1970’s - 1980’s) people did things to us without any intervention from the school system or the legal system. I don’t totally blame them, I blame myself because only I had the power to admit my problem and put a stop to it before any of this happened. I wish I had more help from her but it wasn’t her duty to help me. She loved me and I’ve lost that to her fear of me and I accept that. I would have serious problems loving another person unless I know I am ok.
I bought this book Rage a step by step guide to overcoming explosive anger. I have learned some interesting and scary things. Reading other peoples real life experiences. How they have held guns to their lover chest. It pains to think if I am capable of doing something like that. Sunday I attacked my boy friend . We got in an argument and I flipped out. I only remember bits and pieces it is a blur. I have done this 5 or 6 times over the past 3 and a half years of us being together. That may not seem like alot but it was too much for him. We may never be together again. I just want to focus on really getting better. He told me he doesn't trust me with his life. Nothing has ever hurt so much.
Today was an ok day. I went to work. Boring. Came home ate dinner. Nothing special.
im sick of saying that today i got a iron and burned myself because today i tripped over a bitch at my school she stuk her foot out and i went flying so i sed sorry and she grabbed my hair and try to pin me to the floor but i turned round and made her uncontius for a bit (yes yes i no im great my mother taught me the pressure points of a human cause she does reflexolgy) anways i got in fucking trouble for reltaliating i mean i got more to deal with then that stupid bitch, anyways who comes running round the cornor but my best freind kyoko with my bag she's so cute i thanked her with a storm over my head and guess who i bumped into that bitch from earlier she said say sorry so i did then she started eying up kyoko who was hiding behind me so i said lets go but they grabbed her bag which caused her to fall onto the floor that was it i had had it i dropped my bag and started laughing crazy like "this is one of my many persinalites my favriote" and went all bezerk with kicks and punches that i did wen i fight with my brother wich was some martial arts shit her frends run away and i took koyko home fuming and she told me to chill and went to get some drinks ive still got some pent up anger in me so i turn my iron on to the highest point and burned my inner thigh not for long like fo 3-5 seconds but kyoko came bak and started screaming at me and i said sorry and i will stop but she started crying so now i feel evan worse had anyone got some tips on how to get her to forgive me
yesterday my brother was tidying the kitchen and i accidently turned off the light as i went out out of habit and then he came out shouting abuse calling me stupid and shiz but i decided to ignore it but when he came out he started again so i slapped him and kicked him in the stomach then he punched me in the face and then we got into a argument and fight it lasted about 10 mins so my mother started shouting telling us to stop and i got sent to my room and she didnt do anything to my brother so now my room is trashed and my brother gets away with it as usual so im like fuck this and ran away for like 9 hours and came back at 1:00 in the morning
i can't help it but i always have to do something, like if i what to punch a hole in that wall and then later get yelled at by my parents, then i go out side and i get some rope and i climb trees, and then i sit on a branch and look down and say u can do it jump, know one will care if u die. but i know that is not true, i went to a Christan camp called www.sepwahington.com and i found out that god loves me a lot. so i don't what to kill my self any more. i love to what to take my anger on some one. i need help i what to not to hurt my self in any way. i don't what to hurt any one ether. i need a lot of help.
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