My parents found out that I smoke. I don't feel guilty about that, I know I will if they start throwing it on my face all time or if I hear them coughing.

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I have a brother that is in prison and I always wait too long to write him back. I don't know why. He's very important to me because it means so much that I do write. When I do write to him it makes me feel really guilty that he's been waiting for my response. I think I am oblivious to when I am depressed. There was a time were I would write to him almost everyday, I was hypomanic. And it makes me feel even worse to know that it really means a lot to him that I do write. I started to write to him but I don't know what to say anymore. I typed it as as a journal. so far I have two days.

I feel even more guilty that I find it more comfortable writing blogs than it is to write to my own brother. =/

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Depressed.  I know I'm sad, and I still have a hard time deciding what is a normal case of the blues, and what is a warning sign of depression.  The depression that is the opposite of mania is a black hole.  I've been there enough and don't want to go back.  Depression scares me, and it makes it hard for me to allow myself  to be sad.  I often find myself on the edge of tears, so sad or hurt, but stopping the feelings with an iron resolve because of the fear.  It sometimes seems as if I can't just let it go so that it doesn't build into a tumultuous storm.  Then, for no real reason, I can not hold back, and I'll splinter into fragments.  I can't do that right now, it's kind of hard to explain to a 4 year old…

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..::From an email to myself::..

i have been wanting to write on my blog but i refuse to.. it gets too personal ya know. i was thinking that maybe it would be a great idea to just go back to therapy. smoking is a bad habit and i didnt smoke when i was on my meds. i hate the fact that i have to take them. i depend on them. i dont like that. im in pain physically and emotionally. i cried yesterday and i was simply doing my work. i was organizing the periodicals for fuck sake!!! nothing on them was depressing (pictures). however i do find happy people depressing. i wonder what does that tell me.

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I have just stumbled upon this web-site and I am very grateful to have found it.  For any of us suffering from shame or embarresment of bi-polar behaviors- please take heart and read some of these blogs.  It's very helpful to know that you don't have to suffer in silence.  I've suffered from bi-polar all of my life and have literally put my family through hell.  I've had many hospitilazations and I realized I was way over medicated which had it's own set of problems.  Now that my medication has been cut back some I can think clearer and recognize all these crazy symptons associated with bi-polar.  I look forward to hearing from anyone who feels they have something they'd like to share.

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Wow - I think I am having a manic episode!

Mania minus breath.  Minus energy.  Minus sleep that is anything remotely close to "restful."

What is restful?  I've forgotten.

It has been about a month off pych meds, 3 weeks off blood pressure meds, and 2 weeks on this new one for fibro.

I'm hanging in there, but my poor husband is about to have a nervous breakdown, or throw me outside, or stuff a sock in my mouth or something!  I am only quiet when he is sleeping(most of the time), when I am choking, or I've got the neb stuck in my mouth so that I can get a treatment done so I can talk some more.  The plus side is I'm not bawling too much, and I've had moments when I'm not moving or coughing that feel pretty darn good!

And, big, big and!, I went out to dinner tonight!  Not takeout, not the drivethru of a choke-n-puke, but a real, sit-down-in-public dinner.  And I got through the whole thing with choking once!

Wow…

Loft

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i have this ache in my heart for some reason. Today isn't such a great day. I'm listening to "Sia", she helps me calm down a little. My medication… I'm not sure if it's working. Every time i get the urge to smoke or cut i think of when i was in the psych ward. GOSH, do i have mixed feeling about that place. In a way, i liked it, i had nothing to worry about but in another way, it was hell. I want to cry right now. I feel ill. Mentally. I need a friend. One who understands me. Times are soo difficult without support. My stomach feels like it's going to explode. I want to go to the hospital again. I need the attention and therapy.

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Hello…im new here..just want to start by saying that Im not feeling all that good today,Ive had better days..but maybe thats why im here…maybe I have bad days to remind me what good days are,maybe im just screwed up in the head…I guess the jury is still out on that one,  but regardless here I am,writing this when I could be doing something else like..flying a kite…or lying on the beach…..but stuff like that is for normal people…right??  I am normal arnt I?  Or maybe not..I cant decide today. Sometimes I like to play a normal person,sometimes I like to pretend that my life is good and full.Sometimes I dont care.

When my head gets so full of stuff..its feels like I need to pour it out somewhere..but its trapped somehow..I cant get it out…I am so alone…the sky sure is beautiful today…I hope I can enjoy it.  Just another day in paradise.

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He doesn't understand that it isn't my fault. He stinks I can control my mood swings and thoughts, but I can't. I love him very much and I've been a coward to tell him that. I don't know how many relationships I've had that did get ruined because no guy or girl wants to be with a girl that is "crazy". I just want someone who will be with me through thick and thin. But I know what a lot of you would say. I am only 19 and I got the future ahead of me, knowing me and my condition as of now, there is not one. I'll be lucky if I make to 30 years old. I've always said that, even when I was in high school. A good friend of mine said, when we were 14, "I wont make it till 16". It sounded really stupid considering all the factors in her situation, she had nothing, just the occasional absurdities that an average 14 year old goes through. Maybe people can stop blaming my age right now and focus on my real problem. Right now, I have a huge problem going through life as a Sophmore in college. I want to graduate and see how my life would be then, but with manic-depression, I don't see it. I love the person that I am with now, but how far is he willing to hang on. I don't know, I sure do hope that it's for the rest of my life. I would hate to lose him. And no, I am not going to kill myself over a guy. I am not stupid.

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Im drownin in my own skin nothing can change me I am who I am, there is nothing here for me and yet I cant let go!!!! All of you who fucking think you know me …well you dont Im probably the most fucked up person youll ever meet…Ive got more problems then anyone should be allowed to have I cut myself to stop the pain and yet It always comes back again…I scream and cry because they say it helps to "let it out" well Ive been letting it out and whoever said it helps was wrong it doesnt help it never does and I think thats the biggest crock of shit!!!! You know why Im a mother at 22 cuz I was to stubborn to give up something I believed I needed to take responsability for and now where am I….The fucking getto struggling to pay my bills… so much for the right thing to do Im tired of the right thing to do or the right thing to say THERE IS NO RIGHT THING GET USED TO IT!!!!! You live you survive and then you die thats life.

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