I have really slipped to a low that I haven't had in a while. Last summer we finally got my meds stablized since being diagnosed in 2001. But this March, 2 days before my birthday, I found out I had cervical cancer. I have been going through several surgeries and will be having a hysterectomy. I can't stop crying. I feel so alone. I just want to smile and laugh and it seems like I don't know how to any more. Suggestions welcome. 
This is one of those things that came out of my head today. I wrote it earlier in the day but thought that is would be a good 1st blog. that way I can be me from the get go.
Still smoke free here. Just trying to get though life and all it throws at me. I sit here and think about the roads that I have traveled during my life. Some where fun, some down right OMG wrong turn, but each one of them helped shape the person that I have become, and I am still changing. I guess that is what we are here to do is change, love, laugh, cry, be sad, be happy, that is what it is to live. A few weeks ago we had to say good-bye to a good family friend, I guess that always get you to thinking. But at least I am still here going down the road of life, and have made it thought all the road blocks that I have come upon. Life is funny sometimes you think that you know all there is to know about someone/something and then BAM!!,you find out something new, and here is the kicker some times it is yourself that you really don't know.
Life
When most of us were young and we thought about getting older and the world,it was a place of wander, passion, lust, freedom, getting to call all the shots,getting out on our own. Welcome to being on your own. Are you ready for this, ok……at some point the people that you are trying to get free from never go away!! money never stays around for long, the more you make the more you have to put out. There is wander, (wander how the hell am I going to put gas on the car this week), freedom, ( you are free think how you want as long as the wrong person dose not find out about it), as far as calling the shots, ( you can as long as you go to work, pay the bills, clean house, wash clothes, feed the kids, run to town for the folks, do things for the in-laws), now for the passion and lust parts, they are out there but you have to work your ass off for them. There seems to always be something/someone that needs you or that throws a money wrench in to the mix. So what can I say but: take it day by day, Love at every chance you get, Laugh as much as you can, Live with all of your heart. Mean what you say, Say what you mean. Don't be hurtful but always be truthful.
OK, that was just something that came out. It dose that some times. Hope every one has a great 4th. Be safe, have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't (LOL)
I don't sleep much to begin with. I used to sleep…love sleep. You can escape and be anything when your asleep. I mostly fantasize about what it would be like to have no credit care payments, car payments, credit counselling payments. Then…I wake up, and it's time to see what bill I have to put aside to pay another. It is like robbing peter to pay paul. It's 0630 am. I just finished looking…(mind you, I said looking, not paying) at the bills. I love my husband, but if he doesn't start telling me when he spends money, I am going to blow up. The finances are all I think about. I am so tired of worrying about them. I keep telling myself over and over that it is going to be ok, but will it?
today my brother called me a monster,slut and more hateful words. i think he was kidding but it hurt my feelings to hear those words from him. i feel right now like crying or hurting myself right now. 
I would like to think I am on the road of recovery. I try very hard to stay positive. I don't know if it's just me or it is just how it works. I find myself go really quickly to "it's easier to just die" when the "moment" comes.
I spent most of my life trying to fit the expectation. After my break down, I realized I really didn't know who I was and what I wanted. I didn't know what made me happy but I only knew what I hated. I have been trying to figure myself out. I want to be happy and enjoy my life. But the thought of "why try so hard.. just die…" has never left my head.
I hate myself for thinking that way. But it feels impossible not to feel it.
so my family went to a party last saturday. it was boring to me. so went home at 9:19 p.m. but my parent's did'nt get home until 1:30 a.m. when they got home my brother said they had fought. i think it's my fault that they always fight. :(
last night i od'd and cut myself and i'm still cutting myself in the same place watching the blood ooze out, it's completely noticable. my dad swore at me, he was awnry and mean and it really hurt me so when i was alone, i was crying and cutting myself and od'ing and i'm still here =|
i saved the knife, it has my blood on it, i use it to cut down deeper, the cut cut stings and i just sit there and don't even treat it. i'm the kind of peep that 'cannot' handle any kind of pain wut so ever, i'm too emotional.
i hate peeps i can't work with them and sum1 told me that i didn't 'qualify' 4 ssdi. every minute my depression deepens and i'm still at the bottom of an xtremely deep muddy hole with a sad face, if sum1 tried to help me, i wouldn't budge, i totally lost wut held my grip on life/reality =|
i just realize that i will be going to the 9th grade and i will meet new people. the friends that i have right now are going to leave me just like the rest. iam no good at making friends. so how will i survive highschool. i will be friend less and depressed and then maybe kill myself. i hate feeling alone.
This has to be the worst day for me when it came to coping with my depression. It's not that I wanted to cut but I felt worthless and that I'm falling farther and farther into this pit. My chest has been literally aching nonstop for hours. I try to smile, but I can't fake. It's just not like me to do something like that. So my mom's getting worried and wants to schedule a pediatrics appointment for a blood test. I really don't want to. I don't have anything against my doctor but…ICK. I just don't like it. You think I would have gotten over it considering my dad works for the same medical practice.
The only person who understands the problems with my school work is Lizzie and even she can't help me because she's a year younger. My problem is turning in the work because it's crappy and any time I get anything less than an A my parents want to bite my head off. They say that I know I can do better blah blah blah. This is an even worse problem with Algebra. I think my teacher got the jist of my issue by now but I can tell she's getting annoyed that I haven't turned in my over due assessments. Same with my History and English teacher. The school year's almost over and I still have almost a dozen assignments that are either half started or not being close to started.
Another thing on my mind is that my grandad had his heart surgery earlier today. I can't remember what they were placing in. I tried to talk to my aunt and my grandma but the reception was sucky.
I've seriously been pondering my purpose. It's really tormenting. I wrote a short poem awhile ago about how I feel;
"A cycle is all I live. A cycle is all I am. A cycle is what I hate. Would it be so wrong to break?" I know it sounds selfish but I'm feeling like there is not going to be a break in this drowning any time soon for me to breathe long enough so that I can relieve myself from this depression. I think the thing that would keep me from doing something stupid again would be seeing Zach's face. He's never seen me get hurt or cry or talk about something like death. I tell him once and awhile that I'm depressed but try to sound optimistic when I talk to him. I think he's starting to get more of a perspective of what my life is though compared to his. I try to think about it like this; It'd be so hard to live without him. So, how would he feel if he lost me?
Comments(1)