theirs this boy i like at school. but he got a girlfriend. i have liked him since middle school. i feel like my heart is breaking everytime i see them together. i want to try and get over him, but i just can't. i don't know what to do?
my dad finally got a job. he works from 8:30 a.m. to 9:00p.m.7 days a week. finally my dad can't go out with his friends and get drunk. i feel better that finally maybe my mom and dad will stop fighting.
on january 30, 2010 my parents fought again. it all started when my dad went out to pock up my grandma and never came back. my mom, brothers and i went to look for him and we found him drunk with his friends. my mom left that place and took us somewhere else. i was scared that my family will be broken apart. we came back home at 3 am. my dad and his friends were asleep in the car. when we were driving back home my mom said it was my fault that they fought.
my depression hasn't got any better. i have resorted to cutting.it doesn't hurt at all when i do it. i have cutted on my left arm. i'm so afaraid that one day my parents are going to see it. i regret it when i think that somebody is going to find out, but i also hope somebody does find out so i can get help.
Just an update on my story I guess…
It's been a long while since summer. I can't believe how sad and lost I really was looking over my old blogs. It was really the worst my depression had ever been. Well, it's all (let's hope) gone now. For real. It's just…gone away. This past summer was the biggest therapy that actually worked. I just can't believe it.
Sure, I get stressed still & a little depressed but not for no reason. I feel so free and happy now.
Ahah, as much as I still would love a social life outside of swim team, but as I mature every day, I realized that homeschooling was better for me educationally. I'm planning on getting more involved with the high school community through my online school and the actual public school here (wish me luck…).
These days, I'm looking positively to the future. It's odd really. I never believed I would make it past 14 years old four years ago…I really thought I would kill myself. I never thought I would be happy. It still surprises me how much I truly lied to myself over this past year with my self-injury. I would hurt myself in many ways, but say that I was over it when in reality I still needed so much help.
While I am very content with my life, I still, STILL, have urges to hurt myself. It's very unsettling as one could imagine. It's so hard to realize that this addiction is still there no matter how much time passes.
I work past it best as possible with my maturity & my athletic exertion. I've also found many friends in my life I never knew were there. My piano teacher, my counselor, my grandparents, my coach. Yeah, they're adults and can't really relate to me well, but it's really…good to talk to someone like them for some reason. It calms me down.
Then there are the friends (what few I have) that are my age. I don't know where I'd be without them. While they're changing as well & falling away from me slowly in the process, I'm determined to maintain our friendships and possibly find new people to talk to. Something that's been fairly easy to accomplish through the new online homeschooling community for high school. I don't want to replace my friends, but I do want to broaden my circle.
I've started my own anime club for my school, gotten more involved with piano, raising my grades (except for math), getting into photography and once swimming starts I will be whole. I REALLY want some real life friends when I look at my friends I met over the internet who go to schools….I just feel like something's missing from me. I love not dealing with drama, but there's a down side to that as well.
So yeah. Long story short, I am now a very happy and content person. I proved it's possible to defeat depression. Thank you to all the wonderful people here on hopecube; you were definitely a crutch in my time of need. I'm going to try and return that help to you. Thank you.
Long story. The answer should be simple, but I just can't see it. Perhaps you can read this and help me figure it out?
I've survived over nine years of chronic suicidal thoughts and depression. I've tried every medication possible. A few of them help. They don't completely get rid of my depression or my suicidal thoughts. In fact, I often find myself suicidal without the companion of depression. Odd. Anyway, I've learned to manage my depression and have tried to live a normal life to the best of my abilities. Last year I moved from California to New York and have been very isolated since that move. I have a wonderful boyfriend and he has two wonderful kids, but he's not very social so he hasn't been able to introduce me to anyone. I'll get to the point…..I finally have a wonderful life despite my horrible depression and suicidal thoughts and I recently found myself sabotaging the whole thing because I didn't know for sure whether I would be able to commit to a long-term relationship when I can't even commit to staying alive sometimes.
Here's what happened: I tried to break up with my wonderful boyfriend. I got upset about something trivial so that he wouldn't suspect my real problem. I told him that I would move out by the end of the month. I let him vent and talk about all the things he wanted to do to fix our relationship, and held my ground. Eventually he asked me why I had chosen the end of the month because it sounded like an arbitrary amount of time. I told him the truth, which was that I couldn't see far enough into the future to imagine what my life will be like next month, when I was planning to be gone. He questioned whether this break-up was beneficial to me in any way, and I couldn't even make up any reasons that it was good for me. He told me that he wasn't going to let me break up with him if I was just doing it to protect him from the depression and other feelings I'm experiencing. He told me that it's very important for him that I get better because he needs me and because I've helped him in ways that no other person has ever come close to. I don't believe that my life has any value or that I'm a worthwhile human being, especially because I haven't been able to keep a job or develop a healthy support system in my new community. I feel like a burden even though he says that I'm not. I trust him, and he says that I'm not a burden and that he needs me to do whatever it takes to get better. I agreed to do that. Now I need a plan to make that happen.
How can I get better? I've had dozens of doctors and many great therapists. I've had periods of my life where I was "better" and I think I know what I need to get back there. I need to return to school so that I feel like I'm doing something important with my life, I need to exercise regularly and take care of my body, I need to make friends and develop a strong support system, and I need to trust him when he tells me that I'm worth all this effort.
Why can't I do these things? Because I hate myself. Because I'm suicidal. Because I'm depressed. Because I put my precious energy into other priorities and don't feel that I have the overwhelming amount of energy that it would require to take care of myself.
I need help. I need to get over these issues so that I can do whatever I need to do to get better. I trust my boyfriend when he tells me that he needs me and wants me to get better, and I certainly don't want him to be stuck with a dead body if that's really how he feels. How can I get past my belief that I'm not worth it so that I can start doing the work that I need to do to get better?
i started hurting myself. i using a rubberband to do it. i pop the rubberband on my wrist whenever i feel deppresed or worthless. i'm afraid my parets will find out. but i don't think i can stop. i usually pop the rubberband on my right wrist almost everday.
I'm 20 years old, and all I've ever want in my life is happiness. I want a normal life, with normal friends and a normal family, but that just never seems to be the case. My dad left me when I was young, my mom is abusive and punches me and throws things at me, all of my friends never seem to care, etc. I just found out that my sister is actually my step-sister, and my mom had another previous marriage. My mom always tells me that I'm pathetic and I don't deserve to live. Just because I don't have the same religious views as her, she thinks I'm the devil. She threatens me and tells me ways to kill myself, but these past few years I feel like I'm getting weaker by her words, and now I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. My boyfriend tells me that it's all out of love, but I doubt he understands. Nothing is helping me, and I feel like I should give it one last try and find people who can help me.
I have really slipped to a low that I haven't had in a while. Last summer we finally got my meds stablized since being diagnosed in 2001. But this March, 2 days before my birthday, I found out I had cervical cancer. I have been going through several surgeries and will be having a hysterectomy. I can't stop crying. I feel so alone. I just want to smile and laugh and it seems like I don't know how to any more. Suggestions welcome. 
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