So hello everyone! Happy new year? It's really been a long time since i was last on. I hope that everyone is doing great and that everything is going well. I am still cut free!!!! woot! although, i admit I have very vivid dreams (day and night), fantasies?, and urges to keep cutting, but i fight through them everyday. One down thing that happened recently was that I was talking to a friend of mine and she says, "I hate people who cut! It is a stupid thing to do and anyone who cuts deserves to die!" Obviously, she doesn't know i used to cut, but i just stand there like, "wow, if only you really knew who you were talking to…" well, anyway, it just makes me wonder what she would say if i told her i struggled with cutting? Anyway, i hope everyone is doin okay !

FyreSakura

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i yesterday at school by mistake i cut my finger with siccorss but it didn’t bleed at all it just got red.

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Well, it will almost be an entire year since I've last cut. I'm doing great still and I just wanted to let you all know. I hope everyone else is doing great too!

FyreSakura

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Wow… It has certainly been a very long time. I'm doing great; I haven't cut since my last boyfriend in April or so, but I did have a VERY strong urge last night. I fought it off, and I am fine now, but it was certainly scary. I was truly frightened that I would indeed go back to my horrible habits. I mostly mostly just stressed about school, but everything worked out, so like I said, I'm better today. I have certainly made lots of improvements, especially being able to fight the urge I had last night.I hope everyone is doin well,and I will try to post more often.

FyreSakura

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The other day I had an incident.

My mom wanted to watch a movie that she had on her computer, so I was gonna stream it to my xbox 360 for her, but her computer has been having a lot of internet issues for reasons I don't know, so when I tried the stream wouldn't work. so I decided to try a few other methods to stream it, but her computer was being so slow and laggy and uncooperative, and I kept getting steadily frustrated, more and more.

so after getting really pissed off I decided I was through with trying it, and told her she could just watch the movie on her computer. only she didn't know how to do that so she wanted me to set that up for her.

bad idea really as I was very aggravated at that point, but I agreed. only again her computer wouldn't cooperate and finally I just lost it. I stormed out of there in a huge frustration temper and stomped down the stairs into the garage with my cats, hoping they'd calm me down.

and it took me a little while to realize, but for the first time since getting frustrated like that, I didn't immediately have the urge to bite or hit myself. normally when I get like that I'm biting my arm multiple times, or pounding on my leg until it bruises on the inside. but this time I didn't. I don't know why. But I just never even felt the urge to. It's very strange. I'm not sure what to think. 

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Well, I have been cut free for about a month now. Summer has arrived and now I have to be careful. I did notice, without planning it, that my bathing suit bottom covers the cuts on my thigh because there is a little skirt attached to it. which is good I guess. I don't plan to be cutting this summer, because I can't imagine anything that would send me into a depressing downward spiral, but I'll keep you guys updated. My sister has rediscovered my cutting habit from 2 Christmases ago (i don't know if I told you about that one??)  Well, she thought I had stopped just because I stopped doing it on my wrist, but then she saw my thigh before it was done being red and scabby. Well, she gets really shaken up by it, and she cries, but personally, I don't see why. It's not like she's doing it. Anyway, it does make me feel bad that I make her feel that way, but I can't really help the habit..

FyreSakura

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Hello all. Well, my cutting is slowly subsiding as I do fewer and fewer each day. I haven't told anyone unfortunately, however, I think i found my trigger. I was reading on the internet of ways to avoid cutting and saw that relationships can cause you lots of stress, triggering cutting. I started thinking about it, and I actually started cutting when i was dating my first boyfriend, stopped when we broke up, and cut again as soon as i started dating this other guy. now i dumped him, and i'm not cutting anymore…does this mean i shouldn't date?? idk, but i also found another way to cope. i found that reading a book as soon as my urge comes leads me away from cutting! yay! a new coping method. i hope it continues to work!

FyreSakura

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Hey everyone, it's been a loooong time, and i have some bad things to report. I am now, once again, an avid cutter, cutting over 40 times each night for about a week now. For the first time like ever, blood is dripping, the pain barely exists as i cut, and my leg swells a little where i cut. i know now that i really do have a problem with this, and that it just wont go away on its own. I tried all the coping mechanisms i read on the internet, like the ice and the rubberband, but it didn't work and now i'm cutting again. i'm not abusing anymore, but i have tried a couple times to no success (i know that sounds bad…) However, i do have some good things to report. i now have a boyfriend who i like very much and i believe will help me through this phase (although he doesn't know about my cutting). he is very sweet and supportive of my feelings. i also want to ask a question to anyone out there reading this who has maybe done the same thing. I am thinking of getting help from my school councelor, but i'm scared of her 'reporting' me to my parents, etc. if i would tell her, do u think she would do that because my habit 'endangers a student' and therefore she needs to report it? idk, help with this please!! the other thing is that i'm good friends with    the councelor and i have a major image i need to keep up, i mean, i'm 3rd in my class! it will be catostrophic if i mess that up! help please, i need advice!

Thanks,

FyreSakura

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Well, it is now February and i'm updating again. Things, unfortunately, are starting to slip downhill a bit. I have cut again, 15 times, on my arms not my wrist, and have began hitting again. Recently my mom basically just cut me off and stopped my entire life. Because i did not place in the top six of an audition for violin, my mom is pulling me out of everything i do in violin (including my trip to europe with an out of school group) except for school, she is cutting my college money unless i am the top 4 in the class, and she is cutting off money for anything field hockey related. basically, she cut my whole life out, but so far, she hasn't really acted on anything. she says that i am lazy and quit as soon as anything takes effort… which is true, but now she just took it to the extreme… i got really depressed a couple nights ago just thinking about all the stuff i would be losing and that's when i cut and started hitting, but i am recovering slowly yet again. i am still hitting even now and i cut about 5 times each night. I promise to stop when things get a little better, but for now it is too much. I still have a high self esteem tho, so hopefully it will stay that way and i can say that that is officially fixed. Although, my slight change in attitude (depression that is) has actually gotten teachers and friends to ask me if everything is okay…i'm just hoping it is. Well, i'll update next month or so…

FyreSakura

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I wish I could say it hasn't been in my mind lately, but that would be a lie. I haven't yet, and I haven't gotten so low as to give it a try; I guess those are positives. The problem is that with the last two weeks straight of holiday break and the Minnesota cold keeping me indoors, I've had to be around my family. I've never felt particularly loved or cared for in their eyes, but lately it's been a pervading feeling that I'm completely unwanted. And yes, there is a distinction between the two. Before, I was tolerated. Now, it feels like I'm blatantly wanted gone. It got to be too much for me too handle and I want into rapid cycling by the end of the first week at home. I still haven't cut for over four weeks, but I want to desperately want to. I guess all I can say in the way of updating is nothing.

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