It's worse than I've ever done before. I have to wrap from my wrist to my elbow to cover it. What's even worse is that this is the second day in a row that I've done it at work.
Why is it so soothing to watch my own blood fall?
Well, i'm gonna be honest with everyone..i cut again on Wednesday, causing my 5 month cut free streak to end.
I'm really sad about it, but i was so upset, i was crying uncontrollably, everything was spinning, i was feeling sick, i didn't know what to do, i couldn't sleep, and the blade was staring me down. i did it about 15 times, but they were light (because i had to work with my mom on Saturday and i had to make sure they wouldn't be noticeable), so they healed pretty quick.
Basically, my school work is pressing down on me and i can't handle it anymore. just going day by day is hard enough. I have literally 4 essays due by monday and a fifth by tuesday, 2 project presentations this week, and 5 independent study projects for excel due by the 15th. I'm having trouble just trying to keep my cool.
I'm okay now though, the urges are no longer coming as bad and there are very few times when i wanna hit. i'm going airsofting on the 17th though, so hopefully that will be enough pain to last me a couple of weeks/months.
Again, i'm really sorry and i'll try harder next time…
FyreSakura
well, i haven't been on in a while, sorry 'bout that… anyway, i've been having a few issues lately. I'm getting into another depressed state (this started about 2-3 days ago and is still going) and i'm having a lot of urges to hit and cut. so far i've kept them at bay by scratching myself and the ice thing, but it only helps temporarily… I got really close to hitting just now, but i talked myself out of it, and i'm trying to find a way out of this state. nothing is working though… i'm still cut free since my mom found out, but i think that's just cuz i don't want her to get mad at me or something…idk. Well, i'm still trying to stop the urges, but i think my state is getting worse and the self-injury is clawing its way back into my daily routine. any tips? i'm kinda thinking about maybe looking for a counsler or something, because i think my condition is more serious than i thought, any tips on how to do that without getting it to go all around school (i'm a pretty distinguished and "perfect person" at school and i have a reputation to live up to)? idk if i will though, because i'm still scared to admit something is wrong with me, even though there is. thanks for listening…
Thanks,
FyreSakura
Well, it's been a while since I came on, so I decided to update everyone on how I'm doin' because i'm bored tonight. Well, Excel is going great. I'm cut and beat free for about a month now (since the last incidents). I'm having issues with pulling the skin off around my nails until they bleed, but I'm slowly working on stopping that. I am also having some issues with picking at scars and scabs until they bleed and just wanting the sight of blood in general. I got my report card today and I made a new personal record of 7 100's (German, Life Ed, Excel, Music Class, Social Studies, Science, Strings). I'm pretty happy about it, but I still think I could do better in Algebra and English (98 and 94) so i'm upset about that. I think I'm finally starting to like someone at school and beginning to trust him. He doesn't know though, but I'm still afraid of letting myself get any farther for fear of getting hurt again. I kinda think he likes me too, but it could be just because that's what I would like (lol). I won the throwing in Track and Field with 65' 9" in Discus and 22' 9 1/2" in Shot-put. Uhmm… I'm kinda ignoring friends lately because I'm getting into a sorta depressed state and i'm not quite sure why. Everything is going ok, but nothing makes me happy lately. Can someone tell me what cheers you up so maybe I can try it? I'm especially having trouble with talking; I'm just silent all day and a lot of my friends are worried about me. Any advice?
Thanks,
FyreSakura
I did it. Either I smoke or cut. Apparently cutting my hair isn't enough. I cut my hair so that I do not cut myself. I can't help it sometimes. I need to know that I am alive, unfortunately it is always confirmed by some self destructive behavior.
Well, I have to admit, i'm having some problems keeping my self injury under control. T.T I've been hitting a lot lately and I almost cut tonight, but stopped myself right before i did and threw the razor away. I've been hitting for a few days and already when I hit I lose feeling/control of my left arm for a few minutes and it's black and blue, but I'm hoping that this is just a phase. *sweat!* I've been having a lot of stress with Excel and I have a major amount of projects going on and I think I'm getting too overwhelmed. Plus, I'm being really hard on myself lately and always pumping negative comments into my head. It seems that I never concentrate because anytime I get a paper back and its not a 100%, i go to the bathroom just so I can hit a little and get back at myself for how stupid I am. I know its irrational to make such a big deal out of maybe just getting 1 wrong, but i can't help, it gets me soooo depressed! i think i'm easily a perfectionist, and it may be an issue i need to look into… So, basically just a few SI issues, but I'm doing my best to work through them!
P.S. Thanks to all the people who are keeping up with my blogs and really give great advice. I love you all and you have really helped me get along better with my SI and other issues! Love ya!
FyreSakura
I was feeling really crappy and suicidal today, I swear I wanted to trow myself down a flight of stairs but I decided I didn't want to end in a "splat" or end up managing to survive it and hate myself forever. My sister didn't help at all, ever since 10:40 I've wanted to give her a huge ass knuckle sandwich. My left wrist has been hurting for the past month or so, I haven't been able to do much cause of the pain and thats also bringing me down a lot, I threw myself a few times to a wall, made me feel a tad better, also some light cuts in my arms, but this week has been a real bitch leaving me with few resorts.
so today I broke…I am shattered and I cannot put myself back together I fell asleep at 7am and slept till 8 or so I sat in my shower with my blades just cutting my arms and my thighs…usually thats enough but today I just watched the blood and nothing I didnt feel a thing….no relief no change and that was just the beginning so I went on and on till I finally realized that the water was running red and I have cut deep slashes I feel it now I breathe and it feels lighter like a high…Im ok now for the moment Im lonely I get dressed and sit and stare at the wall music playing that i can barely hear and then i catch a phrase of this song and I realize it is me I am what the song is about and I cry till I cant breathe There is nothing to me you can explain me in a song and now I hear it over and over againmy mind is raceing and I just cant slow down what is wrong me when wil this stop!!!! medication doesnt work its a joke and Im tired of trying Im tired of this horror of my life…..
right now i am this song and i want a copy of it. seriously though yes i want a copy of it, it will help me feel betterz. hah i even cut myself with a sharp knife and i think that it was a deep cut, lots and lots and lots and lots of blood is trickling out of me, my arm is peeing, lol, i haven't much to help my self, though parts of mt wound has started the healing phase, but it's still trickling. i'm alone at home so no one cares no more, at midnight i'll crash and maybe do something about it and start crying all over again, it took guts and anger to meself =' i am so hopeless sigh completely hopeless /'=
Well, it's been almost 2 months since i cut or beat myself. I am doing ok over here, i'm a little pissy some times, but nothing too serious. I have lately been really critical on my weight and body. I've started eating less, and i am barely hungry anymore, so i don't usually eat a big breakfast and give my food away at school, but i have to eat dinner as to not arouse suspicion as i eat the most (usually) in my family. i just hope this will go away, but i really do hate my body and how i look… o well, til later.
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