While my standardized testing is over, and I have decided to stick with homeschooling through high school, I am feeling lost. Astray from what I could be. I know what comes with staying home these next four years. It's not long, and yes I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't want to screw up. 

 Those feelings of being lost and depressed are really getting to me. My siblings are screaming and yelling more and my parents are bickering more. When that happens my mom leans on me for support. I don't mind giving it, but when I'm this stressed I come off as a whiny brat when I can't explain myself maturely enough. My piano teacher is noticing that my quality of music on the keys is suffering. She knows that I've been working hard in school but she also knows the standardized tests are over, so I'm running out of excuses before I'm going to just have to face the truth.

 The whole point through this all is that I've had my first serious suicidal thought in a year. I'm so dissatisfied with how I'm living now. And it's not going to change for a long time which I know. Yeah, it's only four years you say. In one year my mom has her surgery, and on top of that she is showing signs of a pituitary gland tumor through her blood work which my dad has dismissed since they don't have the full lab results yet. If that really is the case then I will have missed my chance to escape this hell. There is no way I would really put another kink in the chain by killing myself just because I couldn't take it. Would I?

  Then it comes to, "Well how would I kill myself?" Easy. So easy. This is how I know I had never been serious those three times I did try. All I have to do is go into my mom's wine glass cabinet and reach for the hidden morphine bottle. It's that simple, and yet, I know I won't do it. I'll probably screw it up some how and end up with permanent brain damage knowing my luck.

 Not that my family doesn't matter, but I swear, the only thing keeping me going through this torture is Zach. I won't let him see me break. I can't. I have to hold up at least for him. Although, I'm not sure how far his care for me extends, I'd do a lot to make him happy and just as much to keep him from being in pain. Yet, I feel so trapped and even with the mental recording of his cheerful voice running through my head. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish life came with some kind of rebate even if it isn't for me. 

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Today I am having many suicidal thoughts. We are getting ready to go to Florida and I should be excited but instead I am thinking like this. My husband is in charge of all of my meds and keeps them locked up so that I don't have access to them because I have thought of suicide many times before and my plan is to take an overdose. So normally I don't have access to any meds. However, we just got some prescriptions filled and my husband didn't have time to put them away before he went to work. I knew that they were there all day today and really had a hard time not grabbing the bottle. Why can't I look forward to the trip and not be thinking these kinds of thoughts. Any ideas?

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today i felt so depressed i wrote a suicide note and this is what it said "iam betrayed by my only family they don't understand me at all i may just kill myself alreay.iam sorry everybody i must end my suffering with death. if you find this i may be already dead. don't cry for me iam finally free from all this pain iam sufferind everyday. i will come visit,only if i can. everybody you're going to be better without me. sorry kubi i couldn't this pain anymore.you tried to help me,but nobody can help me now. kubbi you're finally going to be free,you don't have to be a container anymore.everybody at school won't even remember me anymore. maybe for 2 weeks or less days,but then they will go with there happy go lucky lives". that's all i wrote.but i have more suicide notes.

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today i was finally going to kill me. but my father and brother stopped me. my father said if i die his heart will break. why did they have to stop me for killing myself? i was finally going to be free from all this missery i go through everyday.

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Sorry I haven't been on lately. People haven't really been talking to me, or maybe it is me who haven't been talk to people. Whatever the case is, doesn't matter. 

 I have been gone this past week. I was in a mental health facility because I tried to commit suicide (OD). They kept me in there for 6 nights, 7 days. I pretended like everything is ok and I was happy, just so I can get out. I just want to die and end it all, no more pain. Yet, every time I smell death's sweet aroma, something gets in my way. 

 Well,  Just wanted to let people on here I am back and whatnot. :/

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I just started taking Zoloft a few days ago, but I’m already starting to feel this kind of inner peace. Even though I’m still having my negative thoughts, they’re a lot easier to cope with now that I don’t have them together with that constant feeling of sadness and despair tearing me up from the inside. I haven’t felt this tranquil in a long long time so it’s a really strange experience for me. I think a lot of my inner issues stem from some kind of chemical unbalance in my brain, which is what’s making me so sensitive to everything and so down all the time, and the medicine seems to be starting to sort this up already. I know it will take some time for me to get better, but it feels really good that I have this help now. Hopefully I can start going back to some of the things I used to believe in: that you should be allowed to live whoever you are. I’ve been brainwashing myself for such a long time now with things like: I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m worthless, I’m an awful friend, I can’t do anything good in life, I’m a burden, I’m not going to become something I want to be, I’m going to get a depressing job, my friends are going to stop liking me once I stop being this clown I am around them, I’m not allowed to live unless I do this and this with my life, etc. so I’m not sure if I can ever fully come to accept myself again. Then again, I’m a teenager right now aren’t I, so nothing I say can really be taken seriously ;p

One of the best things is that I don’t have this urge to eat gnawing away at me all the time. I didn’t have it yesterday and I don’t have it today. It’s almost too good to be true, so I’m scared that it’ll come back. The worst thing is when you get a taste of something good that then gets taken away. I really hope this peace doesn’t get taken away from me. Still don’t want to go out in the real world or meet my friends, but I think that’s because I worry that it will have a negative effect on both of us. That I will settle into my automatic part of being funny and pretending I’m happy. But I don’t have the strength to act the clown anymore. I’m all cleaned out. If they meet me now they’ll be seeing me the way I am: tired, unable to say very much, not wanting to make eye contact. I think some of them won’t know how to handle it and the ones who are already feeling bad will feel worse. I’ll have to wait until I’m a little better before I meet anyone. At least I’m looking forward. I feel incredibly lucky to have my family and my friends supporting me. A lot of people don’t have that

I’ve removed suicide from my issue list because I am coming closer to accepting the fact that it is not an option right now, and probably never will be. I will never be free to make that choice and I guess I should see it as a blessing. A lot of people want to end their lives because they feel unloved, my problem is that I am too loved. I can’t kill myself because then I would be hurting a lot of people around me who care about me. I might ruin someones life even, (though that sounds pretty arrogant…as if someones life revolves around me.) If theres something I vowed I’d never do, it’s ruin someones life. Hope its not too late; that I already have

Still don’t have the urge to do anything, so lurking around on this site is as good as anything I guess. Good if I can channel this love that I don’t feel I deserve and give it to either people, like you guys, who need all the love you can get. <3

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