I'm surprized I'm here, at grade 11. It feels like just the other day I was still meeting my best friends and just meeting everyone I know. But it's been almost three years since then. which amazes me. We only have 2 more years including this one, for my friends and I. I'ts kinda scary, (but I'm staying an extra year so I dont have to freak out in grade 12). My friends and I are talking more and more about what we want to do, getting jobs and homework, it's as if the dramas are too much of a hastle so no one gets into any of them. But there are those people you dont like and the ones who try to avoid you, but If they were smart they wouldnt waste their time thinking about; "I hope she's not in my class, or I'll have to change!" I think people who do that are missing out big time and in a way are completely stupid. You shouldnt be avoiding people you dislike. There will always be people you dislike but there are also going to be situation in which you will have to deal with those people. When you change your course and have to wait for next semester for that class, when suppose you were told first semester was the best semester to have that class. You miss out just because of that person. and then you hate them even more, which isnt fair because you just brought those feelings and decisions on yourself. Besides its the school who does your schedual.

The one thing I dont want to become is a hypacrit (sp) I really dont want to be two faced about certain things or people as well. There are some people I dont like, and they dont like me either, but we treat each other like friends which is weird. But I dont talk smack about them behind their backs, and they better not do the same to me, but it wont matter cause they'd lookstupid in the end. I hate fake friends but one less person to have an uneasy feeling about is fine with me. We're not best of friends which is fine, but they're like the perfect enemy, if your in a big group of people we all get along, we dont share much about each other, and we dont hang out so we dont bother each other. It's because we dont know much about each other that we cant spread rumors, but I'm not a rumor spreading gal' so If I dont like people I hope they are like that as well, it'd be better off for us even though we dont like each other.

Hopefully in this new school year, I'll meet new people, (I already made a new friend) hang out with others I know but dont hang out with that much, and I'll keep the fine relationship with the people I already have. And hopefully anyone that I have a problem with, we put that aside and try to regain at least a bit of the relationship we had, Just need time*.

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 I do not know why I continue to take the abuse from my patient and I have wondered if it is really worth the $500.00 a month that I am being paid. I can not take much more of this verbal abuse from her.

 All I want to know is do I have to continue to take the abuse. (Did I mention that my client is also my ex-wife). We separated in November of 07 becausr of mental issues and one of them was a drug addiction, the second was the codependancy that i was put through. This disease almost killed me by being involved in this type of relationship. If anybody knows about codependancy it is me. I have already had one group go to a national sponser about codependancy on a different site.

 I need help to know what to do. Any suggestions? Quitting is not an option

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I'd write a more elaborate post but I'm afraid I lack the motivation. 

I'm really not feeling safe in my own home. I'm threatened for voicing my opinions, for things I say in private conversations and for trying to feed myself. My mother and step-father have actually begun to steal food from me. Mind you, I eat one meal a day, if that and am losing weight against my will.

I want to get this information out there. Even if nobody reads what I have to say, I still want it out there.

There are guns in this house. Several, in fact. While the rifles don't bother me, the pistols make me feel nervous. They belong to my step-father. He's a really scary person. We don't talk to each other but he's a violent person. I can just tell. He acts just like my father did before he became recklessly violent.

I don't know what to do about this. I hide in my room all the time but it only sometimes acts as a haven.

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okay so in this little not so little explosion of sadness there are some things you might wanna know

moms name:patty(43 i think)

stepdads name:bob45 or somethin)

stepbrothers name:bobby(16)

halfbrothers name:trevor(1 year) 

im so sorry i havent been on here in forever my family was having real bad problems that i had to work out and i had finals to study for…

 my older (step)brother(he's 16) was dumped on me, my mother and step father because he was caught selling drug at his school he was let off the hook and didnt have to go to juvie but he cause a lot of trouble at home. i asked him what kind of drugs he was selling he said ecstsy(i dont know how to spell it) and i asked him if he did it, he said no and i fooleshly beilived him.

after a couple weeks of hiding my valubles everyday(so my brother wouldnt steel them) my dad said he might be able to go home but my mom said that he couldnt… so they got into a huge fight and everyone was screeming at eachother while i was on the couch watching my little(half) brother and i was freaking out because i hate it when people yell at eachother(it reminds me of one of first memories when i was 4 and my step dad and real dad got in a fight and my mom was yelling at them)…

 i had been defenting my older brother from my cousin saying that my brother didnt do drugs and during that fight i learnd he did more than 10 times…so i went in my room and shut the door and in the first time in 10 years I CRYED…i shut the door of my room fell to my knees and cryed… and after a couple mintes my step dad went back into my brothers room and found 2 home made bong things and an empty bottle of niquill and started flipping out on my brother. he pinned my brother to the wall and punched him a couple times and started yelling at him again and my mom wasnt doing anything about it so i had to go in and try to get him away from bobby…i surprizingly did…once i closed the door to my brothers room i went back to my room and kept crying.

after most of it was over and eveything calmed down, it was all okay for a while and i went to my cousins house for his birthday partty, foolishly. when i was gone mt step dad being the idiot he is gave my brother 5 dollars and kicked him out of the house.i felt horrible because i wasnt there to stop it…

then after a while i had finals to take care of and study for, and for a couple months now i've had a crush on one of my really good friends. and like i said before im painfully shy so i cant tell her…

at least now its summer and i'll have some time to think thingsd trough and relax a bit….

if anyone thinks that storry is a bunch of crap and im just saying this for atention your wrong.

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It's been such a long time. I should have been updating but I got caught up in my life so yea… Well My ex and I have tried to give it another shot, going again for another 6 months.

but then we seemed disconnected and eventually broke up again. I'm much stronger now. I didnt cry or care all that much. It's just that when you break up, girls are more emotional, while the guy takes 3 seconds to get over you. And that hurts. Sometimes you wish they felt the same pain as you. You wish for them to be happy, but not without you. It's kinda selfish, but I think it's a girl thing, or a high school girl thing, Im sure there are other girls who beg to differ and Im fine with that but this situation is kinda eating away at me.

it reminds me of Real World Hollywood with Joey and his addiction problems..(if anyone watches Real World that is) I seem to be in the same situation. No one really feels or cares to understand nor do they know how to deal with this situation. Many of my friends are friends with him too and I find myself hanging out with them when my ex is around and they talk to him more around me than ever. I just feel left out, and to make it worse; I feel left out by my EX. I try not to let it grap a hold of my heart. I try not to care, but the jealousy seeps in and the anger is the infection of that jealousy, and infections always get worse if not taken care of.

I will be away from everyone alot with summer school and hopefully a job… But getting over him will be hard, but much easier than last year concidering we ended our relationship in a much better way, it feels like we actually completed our relationship; like the stiches are finally out, but the scar is still there. And probably will be for a while. But I have to keep my head up and get away; not run away, from those things that are getting me down and try not to let it bother me. I will always be a positivce person and the good things will come to me and I will be much happier that way with or without my friends or my ex(as a friend as well) I can always make new ones who can treat me right you know?

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so I feel like crying 24/7.  I mean lil things make me happy but also hurt me.  My school mates have been abusing me since day 1 and now i can't stand it.  I saids i would hurt a guy so the school searched my locker.  they found all my poetry about suicide, abuse, and rape.  So i had to get a psych evalutuaon.  i'm just manically depressed!  it doesn't matetr bcuz ppl say they r goin to get me expelled.  i'm screwed cuz everyone only hears 1 side of the story so ppl think i'm crazy. so some ppl think im crazy bcuz they can't beleive their kids would tell me to kill myslef and treat me like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!  so now i have to get out of my classes so others won't hurt me.  they all say i hate them, but i never did anythign as bad as what they do to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Why do they hate me so much???????????????????

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I could honestly kill her tonight.

I heard her taking on the phone with someone, as she always does when dad isn’t home. I was in the living room watching tv, and she was in her bedroom. I got up, went to the kitchen to make popcorn, and when I came back their topic of discussion had changed. She was making loud sexual sounds and talking to them at the same time. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I started gagging. I’m so angry I can barely see straight. I’m shaking and crying with rage. I figured she was flirting with her online friends, sure, but god. I never thought she was capable of this. I don’t know what to do. I want to kill myself. I want to run away. I want to tell dad. Holy shit, how am I going to look them in the face ever again? I can’t believe this happened. I can’t tell dad. 

 I just heard mom walking around the house so I got up and locked my door.

Dad should be home any minute from work. He works his head off for this family. He always has. I look up to him and I love him so much. I can’t believe this is happening beneath his nose. What would he do if he found out?  

She’s washing dishes. I want to break something. I could kill her. She’s a miserable piece of shit, and I hate her for doing this. Maybe I’ll play Opus 17 and eat a bottle of extra strength tylenol.

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Nothing like packing, cleaning, and moving stuff out/in up and down a flight of stairs, to show you just how out of shape you are…

Monday I hit the gym, no matter what!

I'm appalled by how weak I've become, but after a yr of sickness (last yr) I guess that's to be expected.

Being in the ER monthly and hospitalized 2 times is no laughing matter.  I lost approximately 20lbs of lean body mass from it all, while gaining 20lbs of fat from the steroids

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Well, lately me and my ex have been hanging out more. We talk more and everything between us is good:) We had a nice conversation about the situation and Thank God! the very thing I wanted him to see has jumped out and slapped him in the face with guilt!!>:D

 He had finally realized what a horrible person he's been to me over the past 3 months. He apologized for it and it seemed to be upseting him very much that he's hurt me. I forgave him and now the wounds have healed.He's changed himself to make things right. And I've noticed that he's changed ALOT.

We've been through so much together and its been hard not talking to each other over that amount of time. I'm really glade we're friends again. We can rebuild our trust in each other and what not.:)

 Hopefully now we can live normally with out so much tension from one another.*phew!*

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well, i have been having some trouble lately, cause my dad found out about my exam that i failed and well he kinda blew up, and i mean in a literal sense…he screamed, shouted, swore and bitched at me for over an hour…well needless to say i broke down after the first few minutes, i dont think i have ever seen him so angry with me.

after the shouting and screaming i went to my room and did what i didnt want to do…i cut..deep…

so anyway he said to me if i dont pass he is gonna take away my internet and this will stop me comming on this site and also chatting to the best online friends that i have. so i am more than upset…it is hard to write this when you have tears in ur eyes…grr…but anyway i will try my hardest to pass, because i want to be able to continue to talk with you wonderful people.

If i do fail i am going to apply with many different airlines in the USA to allow me to come and live in Cali, now George i may need ur help with this, i will try my hardest to pass, but if i dont i will have my internet taken away. I will try to get on my email from an internet cafe, cause i will prolly still be allowed to drive. so i will give you my email so i can keep in contact with you.

i will come on and leave a blog if i didnt pass or if i did, so that you will all know if you will see me soon or not.

ok well i hope that everyone is doing alright i know i havent been on a lot so i am gonna try to be on more especially since i dunno if i will be able to be on for a bit due to my internet being taken away.

Well see you all later if i can, take care and good luck with whatever you are going through or doing.

Peace

~Don

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