I've always felt a good example of Aspergers is my relationship with my mother. My mother was always a paranoid, histrionic person. I, as someone with AS, am generally blunt, to the point and simple with the things I say.
If I enjoy something, I'll say it. And possibly obsess over it.
If I don't enjoy something, you'll know that too.
When I'm indifferent, I probably won't say anything.
This is where the complication comes in. My mother always assumed I was being manipulative when I was blunt. She could cook something or throw a party, ask me how it was and if I didn't like it and told her I didn't an accusation of manipulation would follow. It is rare that I enjoy things she does because of this but the times that I do, she will often pick out something I'm doing (who I'm talking to, what I'm talking about, or not making eye contact) and relentlessly pick at it.
Eventually this becomes too much for me. I can only handle so much yelling and screaming. I believe this is where my PTSD comes in. My abusive father was the same way. Anyway, when it becomes too much for my mother will then begin to say things she knows can and do make me cry. Once she achieves that she'll then call me pathetic or a bitch.
I still can't get over the fact that she yelled at me during the interview of my only attempt at college.
All of these things continued before and after my diagnosis. In fact, it became even worse after I was diagnosed. I believe my mother saw it as an excuse to yell and scream. When I was upset over something my mother would say "Don't you think this is the Aspergers?" as if it was supposed to fix the problem instantaneously. I tried to explain to her how hurtful it was to blame everything she didn't like about me on my Aspergers but, like with most things, she either ignored it or didn't understand. I think it is probably a combination of both.
Since my last post, I finally became fed up with my mother. The expiration date of my driver's permit was approaching and I had almost all the skills I needed to pass my test. With two months left I told my mother that being able to drive was a very important life skill and that I was counting on her and only her because I had nobody else, and she agreed and promised that she would finish teaching me to drive.
Please keep in mind, getting my driver's permit was her idea.
When there was a month left on my permit, I told my mother that if she could not keep this commitment to me that she would not be able to hold a place in my life anymore. A little harsh, I know, but my mother is, in no simple terms, completely and utterly unreliable. I was serious about my threat and I was hoping it would be some motivation.
Turns out it wasn't. My permit expired, I mailed it to my mother as proof of why I was upset and stopped answering her calls.
She showed up on my doorstep on Christmas Eve and I tried to explain why I wasn't speaking with her anymore. She tried to lie her way out of it by saying I was talking to her at times that I was not and that my ceasing contact was random.
I was calm and level as she became infuriated and began to stomp around and throw one of her usual hissy fits. I explained that I could not count on her to do things that I needed and could not do for myself (for either legal reasons or social ones).
I was all prepared to have yet another conversation about her unreliability but, as tends to happen, my mother would not listen to me. She repeatedly tried to personally assault me. Finally, I said to her as bluntly as I could, "If you cannot calm down and listen to me, please leave. You cannot be a part of my life if you can't listen to me."
My mother continued to make excuses and assault me so finally I told her to get out. I told her that if she could not listen to me and be civil, she could not be a part of my life. I had to say it several times before she actually left. When she did, she slammed the door like an angry teenager being sent to her room.
Several weeks later, I received an email from my mother lashing out at me. She said my social skills were worthless and a number of other things that instead of being constructive, were hurtful and served no purpose.
I spent a long time constructing a response with the help of a friend but I ultimately responded with this:
I was going to write a long response but I know from experience that it will be ignored.
I've told you why you're not a part of my life anymore, I'm not going to bother repeating it. Lashing out the way you did in your last email only solidifies my resolve. I would rather be without a mother than have one that disregards and/or degrades everything important about me.
If, someday, you seek medical attention and become emotionally mature, then I will consider giving you another chance at a relationship with me. Until then though, I am placing myself first and moving on. I have a lot of convalescing to do.
Read into this however you like and assume what you want but I do not wish to hear from you again unless it is news of vital importance.
A little hurtful and abrasive, I know. I was that fed up.
I haven't heard from her since and I've been very happy. I've had to get creative though, I still don't have a driver's license, after all. I worry without that barbed safety net but I figure things like someday moving can be tackled when they become relevant.
I stress too much. I can relax now. This is my life.
Since breaking off ties I've taken up interest in a few things I couldn't before. I've bought a bicycle and developed a love of tea.
I often wake up to my cat curled up with me. What a way to start the day.
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