I dont care if my parents are apart of my life, I dont care if they want to kno what's going on in my life; it's too late now. I dont want them to be all concerned about my sexual life after it was done 5 months ago.I really dont want my parents being there to tell me what's right and what's wrong, and telling me that I think they're stupid. You are stupid for coming up with some shity conclusion as that. I dont even kno why my mom thinks that. I dont think she's stupid in that sense but she's fucked in the brain if she  thinks I think she's stupid. "I'llfind out what you guys are doing it's only a matter of time" Like I fucking care. No punishment they give me will fuck me up so bad taht I wont go into it again. That's never stopped somethings they tell me not to do. She tells me not to be flirty and shit around people or else they'll think Im easy. Well Im not, love comes before love making and I would never do anything with anyome on the spot. I may flirt with my friends, they do fondle me and stuff but I would never get intimate with them if I didnt love them. That's why Im so confused about my friend, I want to fool around with him but I dont want to sleep with him>.< I love him, and he's one of the coolest guys ever, but I love him as a friend, and I cant really see us screwing…

 I'm thinking of going on a break…with guys that is. Swithc over to girls for a while.. But the problem with that is that only 3 people kno that Im bi(at my school) and then everyone's gonna think that my ex hurt me so bad I gave up on guys.. Which isnt entirly true:P But I'll see how things takes me with my girl-liking-ness…I'll have a nice laugh if I actually get to havin a girlfriend cheer me on!>.<

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It got worse, in case anyone was wondering. Way worse.

Shemrye 

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Today just is not my day at all. It actually started last night when I went to bed with yet another headache plus many other aches and pains to where I couldn't even sleep. My headache was the cause of it all and my dad had to give me something to tranquilize me as he said. My parents decided to once again call the doctors office and so I went to my appointment today. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (which sounds about right because I was sleeping at the foot of the couch, because when I tried laying on my pillows, my headache got worse.), so I woke up with my whole back hurting, my stomach still hurting from last night, but my headache thankfully gone. So I went to go get ready for my appointment and I looked like complete crap so I tried to find my hat which is now magically missing. I wore a different one but was still a little upset (I know, its over something stupid.), so every time my dad said something I had to restrain myself from making a smart aleck comment because I was just feeling very negative this morning. Well, we get to the doctor, who refused to see me until my dad paid the ten dollar co pay (which he had to go out to the van to get because he accidentally left his money there). So I get in there and what does my doctor decide to do? Put me on some more drugs that probably won't help me anyway. And if this doesn't work, he will up my dosage and if that doesn't work, he's going to put me on yet another drug. Whoopee. I am going to die of a drug overdose one day. So we go to the pharmacy to get my medicine where they proceed to tell us, our insurance is only going to pay for the lowest possible amount on the medicine, so I'm not going to get the original amount of pills that I thought I would get. Then, they decide to tell us we have to pay 40 bucks for a few pills. I just told my dad forget it and we tried Wal-Mart, who is supposedly cheaper, but they decided to close the pharmacy early so we don't know how much it would cost. So we spend 20 minutes wasting our time looking at clearance crap which we have no money for, and when I find something in the clearance that I needed, my dad tells me, oh we don't have the money (because I didn't know we didn't have the money at first.). So then, I blow up at him asking why are we wasting our time then looking at stuff we can't afford (and I was already frustrated about money because on our way to Wal-Mart I about had a break down because no one will hire me or call back even with all my experience that I have had, and that whole conversation with my dad just made me really angry >.<) so we finally leave and end up going home even though I did want to go to Richmond to get one little blue rock to make a gift for my younger brother, but I probably can't do that now either. My dad has my only money, $40 dollars, that only God knows when he can pay me back, and that $40 dollars was going to go to gifts for other people, but it's to the point I won't be able to get anything. Every little thing is irritating and getting on my nerves. *sigh* I just hope to get over this soon.

Anyway, don't mean to bore anyone, just kind of going off on a rant today, and hopefully by tomorrow (or even later today would be great) everything will be better.

Off for now,
Shemrye

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Acute-on-chronic sinusitis and a bone spur on the right side of my septum, which I already knew, plus polyps.

This all showed up on the CT scan, and then the specialist confirmed it by sticking a little camera up my nose and taking a closer look.

He told me surgery is inevitable, but not urgent, for the polyps.  He can't do the surgery while I've got an infection, anyway, and he wants to see how I respond to medication, first.  He prescribed a nasal spray to use in addition to the pills I already take for my allergy symptoms and congestion, a new antibiotic for the infection, and steroids to try and shrink the polyps; it won't eliminate them, but should at least provide relief for a while.

Thanks to those who responded with commiseration and suggestions to my last blog.  I am hoping to combine natural remedies with the conventional ones, for added relief, if needed.  So far, heat and steam works pretty well for me, and I do have a health food store nearby where I can get some herbs and things.

At least now there's a plan, and with a plan comes hope.  Relief will come, it's just a question of how soon. 

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I have slept for a long time. I couldnt sleep a few days ago so i stayed up al night watching youtube and listen to music. the next day i had a meeting in the afternoon. I missed it.. damn. I almost slept for 24h. it was wierd and i am not going to do that again. now my priorities is to get back on normal time. I live in my own student-apartment so it all up to me what i do at night. but it is not that good… with just a few meetings in the days i mostley sleep to darn long and my days seems to drift away in to nights. pretty scary but i am working on it.

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It really does and I guess in a way that is what we are doing here. Helping people online, who may be too far away to reach, and its horrible. You don't know what will happen, what they'll do next, and it's a very worrisome job I guess you could call it. I mean one minute you can think you're talking to them all good and fine, and then suddenly boom! they're off doing God knows what. And it is just hard to help someone who's online, who you can't reach, but I think if you can do it, then you have achieved something pretty big. I just wish everyone had someone nearby who could always be there for them, no matter what.

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I love my kitten named Yoda. She is the sweetest cat ever!  I just spent a couple hours and made her a little pink flower dress.  Usually cats hate wearing outfits like dogs, but Yoda loves her outfit.  She’ll run around with her dress as if she’s showing it off to people. =)  I’ll upload the pictures of her with the dress soon~ hehe

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Sinuses are incredibly bad, this morning.  Were yesterday morning, too.  I'm very glad I see the specialist tomorrow morning.  I really hope to walk out of there with a good plan of action and means to/plans for quick relief.  Three months is just waaaay too long.  At this point, I'm even experiencing symptoms of poor oxygenation — dizzy spells, excessive fatigue, poor concentration, memory lapses, irritability… Some of that just comes with the territory of a sinus infection, too, because of the pain and whatnot, but this goes beyond that.

I have my films and report, I have my directions and my new patient paperwork, I have the hope that since I've been worse in the morning lately I'll be bad enough off tomorrow morning that s/he can really get a good feel for what's going on… I'm ready.

Is it Wednesday yet?  :p

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I dont literaly walk around imagining guys naked.I walk around imagining me with my ex and my other friend..I cant stop thinking of him, i cant stop thinking of having sex with him, and cant stop thinking of all the times i gave him head and the other things he did to me. I dont want to m________e because I'm trying to quite that too. Although I might relaps and do it again. And then there's my other friend that supposedly likes me. I dont really think of him in the sense of having sex with him, but I do kinda flirt with him.I dont kno  if I would do him or not but he did say his member was bigger than my ex's but if anyone's taking my virginity, it's my ex, if not my ex boyfriend. I would think of my other friend as a friend with benefits. I wouldnt get into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him, but I would screw around with him once Im not a virgin anymore.If i dont have a boyfriend taht is but even so If im not really interested in the guy, I'd either cheat or break up with him and screw around with my other friend. NOt only that but there's this other really hot guy at school who I want to get together with and give head. but I want to go out with him if that's ever gonna happen. I dont whore myself around, you have to win my heart to get the prize, if you kno what i mean. But right now I honestly dont kno what to do with either of these guys, but with my ex and the hot dude I have to actually start talking to them, but im pretty sure nothing's gonna happen between me and my ex, I just have to go one with my fantasieswith him, which sounds really lame of me but that's what's gonna have to happen until I get a chance to at least talk to him alone let alone get his pants off and suck him dry.

And there was that time when I got really drunk with my friends and I 'exposed' myself to my friend with benefits…I kno I said I wanted to fuck him many times and that I was all over him. And that I kissed his neck when he walked me home, but we had a conversation about him finally deciding his sexuality as a straight person, I kno i said something after taht but I dont kn what. People said I was all over him and taht I was dancing and singing all that jazz, I honestly dont remember most of it. There's just alot of sexual tension going on around me, most of it one sided and some of it equal, but one things for certain, I still really wanna have sex with my ex. I need to watch some porn>_>

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