I’m still in a tired haze right now. I kind of wish I could go back to bed but I know I’ve gotten enough sleep today. In fact, I’m probably tired because I got too much sleep… that happens sometimes, it’s a bit frustrating.

Normally I require 12 hours of sleep to function normally the next day. After that I’m usually awake for 14-18 hours but sometimes it’s drastically more or less, depending on what I do or how I feel.

That doesn’t add up to 24 hours, does it? Nope, it doesn’t.

When I tell people that I function on a non-24-hour day, they try to prove I’m lazy or simply lying. They don’t understand when I say that my body works differently from theirs.

Alarm clocks? I’m too exhausted after they wake me to function.

Going to bed early? I’ll lay there for hours and hours until I’m tired, even if I’m in a dark and quiet room. Coupled with my PTSD, that causes flashbacks and severe depression.

Sleeping pills? If I’m absolutely desperate. I don’t feel like wasting my money on them though.

I just function differently, people can’t understand that. My mother especially. We’ve gotten into so many arguments about my abnormal sleep cycle that it makes my head spin.

Adults are usually pretty closed-minded I find. When I tell my mother I have a sleeping disorder she says, “You didn’t have a sleeping disorder as a child!” To which I usually say that things like sleeping disorders don’t usually appear until later in life.

I’ve actually had an abnormal sleep cycle since I was 13 or 14. That’s an estimation though. How my mother could miss my being awake at night or waking at strange hours of the day is beyond me.

Maybe people are just willingly blind.

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I suddenly felt so full of power today it was disgusting.  Not in the usual narcisstic way tho.  I am horribly horribly empathic and i've been so flooded with unbearable emotions lately - ones that aren't mine I believe - that it was bound to happen.  My best friend was round, he may be feeling particularly powerful at the moment.

Or it could be explained by the fact it began as soon as it hit halloween.  My friends and I dabled in magic when we were a little younger and, although I don't really anymore, I still believe in the energies one can create.  if it is gone byy this time tmrw then I will be relieved…

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Took two clonopins and I still can't sleep. Worst part is, I have to go to school in the morning…

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I know there is this cliche about depressed people and poetry but this is different.  At uni at the moment I am studying the romantic poems, a lot of which concerns the transition from childhood and the loss of grace and innocence that accompanies it.  Some of it is beautiful, but the poetry that really affects me tends to be a little darker.

 Sitting in my lectures I CAN'T STAND IT!  Its like my lecturer spilling exactly how I feel inside right now out in front of the entire class.  I was in my lecture today and I honestly did not think I could sit there any longer.  I have never felt like that before…almost like I was about to explode with emotion….but it was not an emotion I have evered expereinced in my entire life. 

I still have SIX WEEKS of this and I don't know if I will be able to deal with it!

I've always liked poetry, but this is absurd!

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Guess who'll be working at Sears? Me! Hurhur. Right now it's set as seasonal, but if I do well and they like me they'll keep me! <3

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Today i am sixteen and stoked.. sorta.

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Well you know it had to come to this..ha..the house is up for forclosure.  This man is a piece of work.  I mean I've not been at all perfect in my marriage. And for some reason I'm still over here blaming myself because of my imperfections. We shall see how things go.  I'll be looking for a place soon..or i'll be just out on my butt..lol  Hugs to everyone.

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i so deserve this, i am going to be 17 in a few days i so am so happy. i can't wait.

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i am approaching the second month of being clean.  i have more money and things are a bit more simple.  once out, you can see how stressful using is.  police, hiding being high, fighting a binge and missing sleep, covering lies with lies and trying to remember which story or personality you are that day.  i think the lifestyle is as bad as the drug itself.  relaxation was impossible.  i have noticed a bit of weight gain…nothing severe but one problem arises form anothers solution…..damn irony, fate and murphys law.  so, in the 2 months i have reached a physical goal of mine.  i made a commitment to a lost family member that i would be clean and i would achieve a physical feat that i once could do.  i dedicated this and it drove me.  i achieved this last week.  it brought me to tears and showed me that i am not as hollow and washed up on the inside as my evil interior would have me believe.  i think if you can find a purpose, a goal, believe in yourself-have some that believe in you….you can achieve and live better.  a very close and dear loved one that i havent seen in a year said this to me a few days ago, it summed up my daily routine and thoughts and is my key so when she voiced it, i was moved……”i find pleasure in the simple things”

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My new tablet pen is here and it makes me smile.

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