I'm new here and I'm amazed at how strangers miles and years apart can have something so eeriely in common with one another. Browsing through the blogs, I have found my people. I am not the only with an Other, a dark scaly side. Somehow this makes me feel less flawed and more… primal? Nature has it's chaotic fury in many forms…
…Another morning I wake up in a shiftless, awkward mood that eventually sinks towards listlesslness and depression. Sometimes I just lay on the floor in a fetal position and let tears pour from my eyes without making any sound. I feel no desire to do anything, even eat or breathe. It's like someone attached a heavy weight to my heart then dropped through a hole in the earth, a hole that goes all the way through the center. Dark morose thoughts repeat self-degrading mantras until I can't ignore them anymore. My boyfriend wakes up and sees me on the floor motionless but awake and he doesn't know what to do. He tries to cheer me up, but I either stare blankly through him or feel my sorrow swing towards wrath. Eventually he gives up and just sits next to me, rubbing my back; Because he knows that in a little bit, I'll be a different person.
Mania is just as aggravating and unproductive. My nerves feel inflamed as crackling energy dances through my body. Sitting still becomes extremely uncomfortable. Mania doesn't mean I'm happy, though. Usually it hits hardest when I'm mad, when I explode and become The Fury. I'm burning from the inside out, my outbursts like solar flares. And the fire just feeds on itself, becoming brighter and brighter until it blinds me from all rational thought just like the darkness of my depression blinds me from it. The same voices that wail in sorrow also shout in a furious cacophany that drowns out the little voice crying, "No! NOOO!! PLEASE stay with us! There's no reason to be this upset!" Then, as all volcanoes do, it erupts. The eruption itself is vague, but the aftermath affects me the most. People hurt. Things destroyed. I'm left feeling exhausted and embarrassed… and just as bewildered as everyone else. I didn't see it coming, either.
The extreme happiness is rare but just as creepy. I've suddenly become a living cartoon, babbling nonsense in a child's voice. Lights and colors suddenly seem more vivid. The girl who's usually terrified to socialize bursts from her cave in a flurry of bright colors and smiles, ready to befriend anyone. I'm shaking like an over-excited puppy. Ideas race through my head like power surges. It becomes difficult to drive as my heightened sense of people around me causes me to attempt to drive competitively. And dangerously.
Small things spark huge reactions. Every emotion rests on a fine hair trigger. The smallest bump, and I go off. There is no safety. Big problems? Nuclear melt-down. Two things might happen: one, all triggers deploy at same time, or two, triggers stop working completely and emotion fails to engage. I can be either catatonic or on the rollar-coaster of my life. My entire life I've been bracing myself for rough patches knowing my coping vehicle breaks down easily.
Currently I'm on no prescribed medications; I self-medicate with marijuana. Honestly it's worked better than the shit the doctors put me on. But I don't want to do this forever.
If they cured me, would I be me anymore?
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