well. i might have said it before but today iam starting out fresh, i woke up, i felt really happy to be alive. I stopped fighting with my mom….and if she wants to start i fight i ignore her XD
I am starting fresh with a new boyfriend, hes very sweet i just hope i dont scare him away.
I asked my mother to make me a promise today. It ended with my step-father threatening me.
Before I eleborate, you have to know, I have some things at someone's house that I used to stay with (because of the abuse at home, no less). It's been a year since I lived there and my things are still there. I ask my mother repeatedly to give me a ride there so I can get my things.
Today I find out she's going to be in the area that I need to go and ask her to take me along so I can get my things. She says no and says that she'll do it tomorrow.
I don't trust her to keep her word, she is a dishonest person. So I ask her to promise on God's name that she'll keep her promise. Normally I would just ask her to make a normal promise, but she's broken all of those lately. Plus, she believes in all that religious bull, so I thought it would work.
So, I ask for this 'special' promise and she gets extremely defensive. She asks why and when I tell her honestly that I don't trust her. She begins to yell and scream at me and take it personally.
After my mother makes up all kinds of things I said to her (like, I said I didn't care, I didn't need my things, stuff like that), I begin to cry and tell her that she's lying. I go back to what she's trying to distract me from and beg her to just make the damn promise. She continues to make all kinds of false claims.
It's about then that her husband comes downstairs and threatens me. He's the type of person that expects you to know what he wants, when he wants, and if you step out of line for even an instant, he growls a threat, then threatens physical violence, then threatens to kill you.
I was on step one.
I gave up and ran to my room, screaming for my mom to leave me alone. She stood out in the hall and continued to scream at me, saying things that I honestly couldn't hear.
And it's then that I realize that, to her, I'm just like a pet. Hear me out, it'll make sense; she feeds me when she feels like it, she does not help me take care of needs that I cannot on my own (be it because of age or not having a car) and if ever I don't go perfectly in line with that barbaric 'seen and not heard' thing, she freaks out like I've pointed a gun at her.
Oh, and have I mentioned that she likes to make up some crap about her 20-year-old son being a child?
I really wish she would just go away. She, him and all these people around me. They're awful, abusive and think they can make me do anything they want, just by emotionally or physically pushing me around.
I'm hiding in my room right now. I really don't feel safe.
I still wonder what happened to everyone who used to post here; why they aren’t blogging anymore. I guess everyone else is just as busy with life as I never thought they’d be. Or maybe I just find ways to develope time I never knew I had. Things are going fine. …Well, no. No, they aren’t. But I can’t put into words what is wrong. …Well, yes. Yes, I can. But only parts of it. The other part is still stuck in my head. On another note, going back to the beginning, going in circles because I work in circles like that- I am sorry for not updating.
…No. No, I’m not.
Things are average; fine. That’s all I’ll ever really say if you ask me about my day anyway. I’ve joined the kickball team, the photography club and attend twice weekly student council meetings since I’m one of the more active members. Oh, I also go to meetings for careers of the week, but that isn’t exactly a club. *sigh* And all I really wanted was piano lessons. XD I think I’m going to ask for that as a christmas present… Or maybe a therapist. I’d like to start seeing a therapist again, but the confidentialty aspect of it is what worries me. Anything he writes down, my father will be able to read. I will too, of course. But that just defeats the purpose.
My classes are going alright. I’m almost making straight A’s. Math right now- is almost an A- 88%. I just finished reading “The seduction of Peter S.” It’s a very good book- you should go pick up a copy or check one out of the library.
My stepmother and I made a carrot cake last Sunday, which recieved extremely good reviews. So, my father has requested that we make a chocolate cake next Tuesday.
I need to study… I have a huge test in biology tomorrow.
Oh- I keep losing my hearing, in both ears now. Should I be concerned? Meh- no need to be. My life isn’t worth much anyway.
And it makes me ponder why I love the fall and why Halloween is my favorite holiday when I never accomplish anything on that day. I stay home, usually reading and relentlessly opening the door, handing out candy. No costume. No party. I like the cool air? Oh, wow.. Feels like I’ve just been carelessly punched in the ribs. >_>
Oh god.. I make myself want to cry.
The world is leaving me. There are spinning movements and I am not going with it. For them it is normal to go at that speed. I am scared at the fact that there are people going about in that pace. I am in the middle of things and I see the world move on without me. Thinking about doing as I want makes me crazy by their definition. I need to feed my impulses. I cannot control my mind or my physical abilities. I can't go into the world and act happy or that I am tired. I am not this way. I am depressed and I am happy. I am not a person I am an empty entity. I am not human I am a lost. I hurt myself, I cry, I am confident, I have a sex drive. I will steal I know it's wrong. I hear them telling me that there is nothing wrong with just going about what I really want. I do not know how to stop thinking this way I just do. For what it's worth I do acknowledge that I need help. I will be locked up if I don't get help ASAP. I am listening to the world from the outside and I am not apart of it. I feel alone and against the world at the same time. I feel isolated. I don't hear emotions from others, does that make me cold hearted. No. I am very honest with people even if they do not ask me to tell them. I don't care about their feelings nor do I care about mine.
my cousin is back home. and i still think he's angry at me for kicking him out the house. he's the one who almost raped me. he's married i hear. i still have nightmare's about him. what should i do about this. i'm scared!!
I'm surprized I'm here, at grade 11. It feels like just the other day I was still meeting my best friends and just meeting everyone I know. But it's been almost three years since then. which amazes me. We only have 2 more years including this one, for my friends and I. I'ts kinda scary, (but I'm staying an extra year so I dont have to freak out in grade 12). My friends and I are talking more and more about what we want to do, getting jobs and homework, it's as if the dramas are too much of a hastle so no one gets into any of them. But there are those people you dont like and the ones who try to avoid you, but If they were smart they wouldnt waste their time thinking about; "I hope she's not in my class, or I'll have to change!" I think people who do that are missing out big time and in a way are completely stupid. You shouldnt be avoiding people you dislike. There will always be people you dislike but there are also going to be situation in which you will have to deal with those people. When you change your course and have to wait for next semester for that class, when suppose you were told first semester was the best semester to have that class. You miss out just because of that person. and then you hate them even more, which isnt fair because you just brought those feelings and decisions on yourself. Besides its the school who does your schedual.
The one thing I dont want to become is a hypacrit (sp) I really dont want to be two faced about certain things or people as well. There are some people I dont like, and they dont like me either, but we treat each other like friends which is weird. But I dont talk smack about them behind their backs, and they better not do the same to me, but it wont matter cause they'd lookstupid in the end. I hate fake friends but one less person to have an uneasy feeling about is fine with me. We're not best of friends which is fine, but they're like the perfect enemy, if your in a big group of people we all get along, we dont share much about each other, and we dont hang out so we dont bother each other. It's because we dont know much about each other that we cant spread rumors, but I'm not a rumor spreading gal' so If I dont like people I hope they are like that as well, it'd be better off for us even though we dont like each other.
Hopefully in this new school year, I'll meet new people, (I already made a new friend) hang out with others I know but dont hang out with that much, and I'll keep the fine relationship with the people I already have. And hopefully anyone that I have a problem with, we put that aside and try to regain at least a bit of the relationship we had, Just need time*.
After a concerned message from someone, I thought I should post something positive. I am indeed alive, I'm doing all right and nothing new of exceptional suck has happened in my life.
Though I'm all right, not much has changed either. However, I've gotten a new computer , which has proven to be an exciting thing. I even paid for it all on my own… which is really saying something for a person that's never had a job.
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