my b-day was yesterday and it sucked so bad i cried, my dad was rude to me, my one sis never wished me a happy b-day, i got nothing. it was too depressing, all i did was cry all over my b-day cake, i had no strength i couldn't blow out the candles ='
i just want to fade away i don't like it here anymore, fade away into the darkness, forget me, just let me cry myself to death ='
Yeah……I had a good sandwich today. That was nice. Peanutbutter and honey……Then the other me got pissed and yelled at one of my best friends. Not so good. I had to appologise to the poor guy for a few hours, but I couldnt tell him why I got pissed, no one really wants to acknoledge the fact that I might have two of myself. I feel like such a freak. But on the good news side of life. I have a new boyfriend. After my last one dumped me, I pulled a crappy move and looked on random BBS's. He found my by some means and we got to talking, he asked me out. I hope I dont blow up at this guy….I kinda love him…
I am going to attempt to loose weight one more time. I can't count how many times I have tried to loose weight in my life. But, this time I am going to have gastric bypass surgery and am hopeful this is what I need to help keep the weight off. I am encouraged that it will be successful.
I've come to the conclusion (I'm slow…) that I wouldn't be depressed if there was someone that I trusted completely, but I won't know unless I tell someone what I don't wanna tell 'til I know…. ("You write some long-ass sentences."–Mom) XD It's stupid and won't do any good….
one day a kid and his brother where driving, and it was raining. they went to a place near the dunes to practices driving, they took a left turn and the car sled hitting a tree. the kid saw his brother trying to move his hands to save his brother. but seconds before that the kid saw a hand it was like a small puff of smoke, now that puff of smoke went over his head and put his head in to the back of the set. then they hit the tree. the brother got out and draged the kid out and after that his wife came over from when he called her and then a few more people came over to help them. now the brothers and the kids mom and dad where away getting stuff food. they where over a 100 miles away when they got a call saying that there kid was in the hospital.
the kid then said later that he saw a puff of white smoke cover his head. then god said i saved your life if i did not put your head in the back of the set you would be died. god saved me and my brother thats all to it he saved me and my bother, yes that car crash was me and my bother, i am happy that i got a second chance to see life the way it was to be for me.
i oh must died that day, but my brother doe's not believe me.
from that day on i love life now. and i think god or saving me and my brother for my mom would not be ably to survive for she had one of her sons die when she was very young. her son was only 4 when they got in to a car crash and her son flew out the front window and died.
please pray for me and my brother and my parents for we need it. thanx you all for being there for me when life was killing me.
but i have been thinking a lot about S**. i mean it’s driving me crazy i look at a girl and go oh i what to have s** with her but i know it is wrong. but i can’t help it it’s so f***ing making me mad i what to try it but i don’t what to break the bibles law. when i go some where and i see one of my friends that i use to know before my parents took me out of school and will she has gotten so … hot i mean s**y. what can i do or what. i don’t know if this is normal , meaning wanting to have s**. i am 17 and i know around this time my body is changing but but this sucks. my friend when i first met her she was a good girl she wore good cloths that covered her body. one time before my friend moved we were playing a boardgames and she was waring some thing new, and she lend over and i didn’t even know i did it tell i got home,but i saw her u know her things and from there on . when i look at a girl i think i wonder what here things look like and i know that is wrong, but i can’t seem to stop my mind from thinking about that type of stuff, ok here it is i what to know if it’s normal for a 17 year to think about that type of stuff and i also what to know how to stop thinking about that type of stuff. please if u can i need to know if u can help me please.
Well, most are prolly wondering why i havent written a blong in a few days, it is because i have been dealing with family and friend problems, while not sleeping. anyway, i have had a hard few days, stress and mood swings are makning my anxiety worse because i am worrying about everything and everyone; the oncause of this is,
I had a dream the other day that i woke up one morning and got onto the computer to see who was on and i saw that not one of my friends was on, to me this is strange because i know there is at least one person who is on. Then i suddenly noticed that my house was too quiet, so i walked downstairs, still troubled, and at 5am in the morning the house was empty…i began to panic. Well, then i was suddenly walking into a graveyard and i saw about 200 graves. when i looked at the name of the first ones, i saw that they had my best friends and families names on them….i knelt down and cried, because to be alone is worse than anything for me in the world.
I awoke crying and i had a cold sweat running down my back, i got onto my computer and talked to somebody who could help me and cared enough to help me, well needles to say i was up all night talking in between the crying spouts. I finally was given advice to go to bed and hug a pillow to make me able to feel as if there was somebody there that i could hold onto like a support. well it worked for about 1.5hrs then i was wide awake. Well i have been talking to many ppl about it, i found that it could be linked to the death that had happened a few days ago.
Anyway, i havent slept for about 3 days and the hours that i have slept have been not enough to keep me energsied. So that is y i didnt post this a while ago when it had happened.
~Don
I’m using blogs as kinda a journal if thats alright.
so me and my ex were on and off 2 times not al ot i know. but i think she wants to get back together with me. she broke up with me the first time then dated my best friend. then back together, then she broke up with me saying she found me unattractive. now i get the feeling she wants me back. i dont want it again. both times is when i started opening up to her then she dumped me. i guess thats how shit goes huh. i’d rather be alone then go through that annoyance. but im so lonely. like no one is around me but there everywhere.
In a good way, I guess, I am under stress, as my two friends, are both having a rough time. I am working with each of them , trying to help them deal with there problems. I am in pain, but I am trying to use reverse phycology, and say if I focus on them, my pain will go away. Not sure if it is helping, but at least I am trying to help myself.
I had an.. unusual dream last night. It started out with me being on a deck, staring out through the glass surrounding the deck at the tornados forming. I looked up at my English teacher and she reassured me they weren’t real. They would build up, then disappear and another would begin building. Apparently, I was going through some kind of training along with about 100-200 other students. I was scared, but since they weren’t real, I shouldn’t have had anything to worry about. I was going to take a picture of them, but when I looked up, they were gone and everyone was heading into a bus. I walked onto a bus, following the other students. When we got off, we walked onto another bus, but I realized I had forgotten my jacket, so I run off to go get it. The bus with my jacket and camera on it zoomed away from my quickly as I yelled for the driver to stop. I turned to get back onto the other bus, but it was turning around to leave. I ran towards it and jumped onto the side, holding onto the window, yelling at the bus driver to stop the bus. -.- The kids inside were all looking at me, laughing, and in my mind I agreed and though it was funny to see someone dangling off a bus, screaming. T_T The bus driver wouldn’t stop. The bus driver was Heidi. I somehow held onto the bus until it reached it’s destination. All the students got in a line, including me. I was behind my science teacher and began walking forward, placing my footsteps where his had just been to make sure I didn’t fall- we were walking over boulders and rocks. The wind was so strong- I almost feel over numerous times and had to hold onto him, which was interesting to say the least. He kept checking back behind him to see if I was alright and we continued our journey through the wind and over the rocks. Then, my dream switched. I was in my grandparents home and they had two house cleaners working for them. (I don’t know why.) When I thought they were up to something, the man knew I knew something about him and began yelling in Spanish to the woman in the other room. I didn’t know what they were saying, but I knew they were planning on killing everyone in the house. I whispered to my grandmother, “They’re robbing us,” and ran as quickly as I could out of the backdoor and over to the neighbors. When I reached the neighbors, I was extremely embarrassed, as I realized I wasn’t clothed when an eleven year old boy opened the door. “Hi.. I need some clothes,” I said, inviting myself in. He handed me his older brothers shirt, then his mother walked in and greeted me with a sanguine smile. Then, it switched again. I was running from something horrible. I think it was the man who was in my grandparent’s house. He had killed them and wanted something from me.. Not necessarily kill me. But, he either wanted a key or a box. I can’t remember which, but it had something to do with the color light blue. I hid in a series of rooms in this gigantic house I was in. I finally reached the end of the hall where the ‘enemy’ had hid and waited. He wasn’t there, so I ran in and shut the door. I don’t remember any of the doors having locks. There was a small hole towards the top of the door where I could look out and see who was there. A boy, about my age, maybe a little older, came up to the door and was very frantic and worried about me. I tried to open the door to go with him, but the door had suddenly locked itself and a silver lock had appeared. I whispered to him to go find the key. He nodded and ran off to go search. He came back, saying he couldn’t find it. I told him to look again and to hurry because time was running out. I remember looking at the wooden stairs beyond the door. I remember thinking if I got down those stairs, I would be safe. There weren’t too many steps. Just about seven or eight. I began to feel very weak and tired and leaned onto the door for support, waiting for the boy to bring the key. My eyes were beginning to close when the door opened and I feel into the boy’s arms. -.- I regained my energy when the door had opened and we ran down those wooden stairs as fast as we could. –Meghan
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