I am so nervous. Earlier today, this morning I just couldn't sleep and I was having short breaths. I feel so out of order and a little lost. The feeling of not being able to sustain control. Very anxious, which is normal before a speech. But having my issues, I don't now how much of this anxiety is normal. 

I want to have control over this but some of it is out of my hands. I get frustrated because I want to know that all that suppose to happen is going to happen, my speech is going to be alright and that all I have to do is work on my other homework. I can't help to feel like I am going to get a phone call from home, something bad. "Mom is in the hospital" or "Dad just had a stroke", it would definitely drop all my school work and ask for a ride home. I am being pessimistic and I don't blame myself for it, I have every reason to. 

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I may actually be moved up to full-time at my job.  That would be nice.  Then, I could actually make a living.  Not a great one, but enough to pay bills, put a roof over my head, and eat.  That would be nice.

I'd like to have the space to make my jewelry and be able to set up my own computer.  I am glad that I found this job and my sister is helping me.

I'll be working the breakfast shift if I go to full time.  That means being there at 6AM.  I don't really like that very much, because I'm not a morning person.  But I need the money. 

I also would probably have a pretty good chance if an office position there ever comes open because I already work there.  So that's something to think about.  There's a lot of opportunities through this job, and I wasn't looking at that. 

The retirement center where I'm working is also part of a college.  So there are a lot of opportunities here.  I was just blinded by my dislike of food service.  Of course, it's not that bad, here. 

Perhaps I'll be okay….. eventually.  As long as I can start to make an actual living soon.

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I feel like shit. I feel like I can't do anything. I am trying to get through the day but it seems like something is stopping me and all I can think of is me. The person that won't let me do anything. I guess it's the negative thing when I say that I am the on that is keeping myself back. I feel nervous. I feel like I am going to snap!

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I smoked today and I feel like people are watching me like I am too young to do it. I know this because one of my professors told me. She said I am too young to smoke. I didn't feel like arguing on such a depressing day, so I did not bother defending myself. Though I must say I don't recall saying something other than "No I'm not". I don't think I looked at her face. It was too bright out and I don't know why but I think it is very ironic that she was wearing blue. 

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He comes in my room stands there never says a word then walks out screaming F**King Computer what can I do he is no friend to me and I am looking for a friend to talk to. I need Support and he wont give it to me. I wish he would never come home at times. I can't take it no more.

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if there is anyone who is in medical…who may really know….i would like staright answers…what does smoking coke do to your barin and lungs, liver, kidneys….i just cannot get staright information.  is a year considered long term?  what are the damages done during a year of heavily smoking coke…i will not get into the heroin…because i know.  i just wonder…all of that crap in the pipe…all of that bake…the oil…does that stay in the lungs and sits for years and years…maybe one day causing caner or something…does it ever get out and your lungs get clean??  is there brain damage everytime cocaine hits the brain??  i am serious and very worried.  i wonder why i have so much kidney pain after smoking for a day and a night or so….??  thanks for any medically substaniated information

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after many months of fighting and slipping and then get a foothold….yesterday was a nightmare…the damn broke and i couldnt face the day or the night…as i was sitting there in the evening after several weeks of a binge….i went to my first NA meeting.  i just couldnt face the night or the guilt or the hopelessness alone….it was killing me…internally empty….just wanted to get high to prolong the arrival of the pain and guilt.  called family…they said…i hadnt fooled anyone…they knew i wasnt well…shit, it just didnt work out like i had planned or wanted.  the drugs are so powerful…it is somehow combined with my psyche…its a twisted..self-hatred…evil.  so, i walked in and i never experienced anything like that.  my girlfriend says "i dont understand"…..well…these people understood.  they know.  it helped me.  i am withdrawing pretty bad, so i am miserable and light is my enemy and food is a distant memory.  i had calm and hope during the meeting and after, i felt like maybe i will be ok…maybe ill get through…hour by hour…day by day.  standing and saying"im an addict"…it opens your soul…thanks NA

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I have to find another job.  The one I have, I'll never be able to make a living at.  It's frustrating.  So the search starts again.  It was good to get this one to build up my confidence, but there's just no money in it.  I'm not greedy, but I do want to feed, house and clothe myself.  (and have at least some comfort, okay I want a lot of comfort)  I deserve that much.  It will happen.  I don't know how yet, but I just know that it will.

If I'm going to drag myself out of bed every morning, I will find a way to make it worth it to me.  If my energy is going to be drained every single day, I will find a way to make it worth it to me.  I'm so tired of kissing @** and getting nothing for it.  I should not have to depend on my sister at the age of 34.  This is ridiculous.  Something will change.  I will have the things I want, and they will be mine.  Not given to me by someone else who expects me to grovel to them for it.  (I'm not talking about my sister here, I'm talking about my ex)  I'm never going to be in that situation again, and I'm never going to have to worry about my survival again.  I've made up my mind that this will happen for me.

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Doing alright today although I have been on the verge of tears off and on…I dont know why just emotional today…I don't like those kinds of feelings it irritates me to no end. Someone talked to me today and it made me feel loads better…I really like that person and I am glad that they are doing better and are in a better place. I also feel that I am becoming even closer to that person even though they are far away… I really do consider them like a brother. I will be as patient as I can and I will even be more patient beyond that because I'm not very good at being patient. I found out that that person is also having dreams somewhat similar to my own and to hear that really makes me happy to hear. We don't really understand ourselves until we understand what others around us think or feel about us, does it matter what they think…maybe…
My throat still hurts horribly…the earth is really pretty from space…
One day I know that everything will fall into place and when it does…I don't think anyones will, will be able to stop it. I know what most of them think of me…they think I'm crazy… I don't think it matters much…I don't hang out with them so I don't affect them anymore, save them from myself. I know that I am a curse to people, it seems like whenever I hang out with them things happen the will of the universe always wanting to get its last laugh at my expense. People I know that are there for me I keep close and I hope that universe will doesn't disrupt too much…sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I don't love…often. To be very very honest people frighten me, they make me want to hide and be alone. This world is a difficult place and I am doing my best for what I think is best, sometimes I think people think what I do is bad or horrible…I always mean well things just seem to end up all screwed up and backwards. I think thats a family thing, if you know what I mean.
If I am the Key where do I find the person who will lead me to the door? Will I know him when I meet him will he too be just as much of a mess as I am. I know I shouldn't be afraid of the future but I still don't like it just the same.
And now that I have rambled I think that I am done for now. XD

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Went to check out the school, and now I'm back to square one.  I wasn't impressed.  I think I was just using the idea as a distraction from the book because I still don't have enough faith in myself. 

I think some of the things going on are necessary, but I also think I've been involved in avoidance.  I don't like having to admit that.

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