I dont know why but i feel so depressed right now i just want to die. i feel like it would solve everything and it would be great to not see any one suffer any more.

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hey guys, i had a big change in my life recently, iam onefi of the presidents on a anime club!! me and my only friend in real life made it up, hes got lots of friends, i dont got any friends that are as close as him, we are only friends and people think we are actually going out, i hate it!, plus i got a boyfriend i dont even like anymore, i dont know why, i guess….i dont know thats happening to my "love life" anymore. Either way i dont want to think about that, i am really happy because we have ourself and anime club, YAY!!!!

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hey guys, i had a big change in my life recently, iam onefi of the presidents on a anime club!! me and my only friend in real life made it up, hes got lots of friends, i dont got any friends that are as close as him, we are only friends and people think we are actually going out, i hate it!, plus i got a boyfriend i dont even like anymore, i dont know why, i guess….i dont know thats happening to my "love life" anymore. Either way i dont want to think about that, i am really happy because we have ourself and anime club, YAY!!!!

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i just realize that i will be going to the 9th grade and i will meet new people. the friends that i have right now are going to leave me just like the rest. iam no good at making friends. so how will i survive highschool. i will be friend less and depressed and then maybe kill myself. i hate feeling alone.

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Living with this for years. Still waiting for some relief from panic attacks. Anyone have any suggestions besides meds?

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Heidi says she has ovarian cancer… Whooo… She said she can’t work for six months and will be in and out of the hospital. When she kept repeating herself, I just hung up.. I refuse to listen to her sob over the phone. Look where years of addictions have gotten her…

I spent last Saturday with Erica. We looked for dresses.. She couldn’t fit into a size fourteen, so didn’t buy a dress.. Plus sizes start at fourteen, I think- and the stores we were at didn’t have plus sizes.. We laughed about it though. I had a very good time. I laughed a lot more than I thought I would.

Yuki came in this weekend. I didn’t get to see him since it wasn’t my turn to visit Heidi. Things wouldn’t have gone well if I was there with Heidi though. She says she’s going into the hospital next week and that I need to take the cats and dog…. Yay?

I had a dream when I was at Erica’s. My science teacher was in a fast food place. He was rummaging through his wallet, trying to find his money. I saw a fifty and a twenty dollar bill on the ground and knew it was his. I went up to him and gave him the fifty, but was planning on keeping the twenty when he was it and took it.. That’s it.

The meeting with SRS didn’t go well.. I won the most cold hearted person award… Oh- apparently I need intensive therapy.. XD I’ve told them the whole time that I don’t want a relationship with her right now and nothing they can do or say would change that. ..That really pissed them off. XD

I almost think she is faking cancer, but what do I know? I’m just an ignorant teenager who doesn’t know any better.. Don’t listen to me.

Heidi’s mother was there. She had spent the night with Heidi last night. She seemed to think there was something that happened to me and wanted me to talk about it. “Well, maybe if you would open up a little bit,” she began to say. Then Heidi came in with, “Yeah, Meghan! Open up! Tell them what a horrible mother I am! What have I done to you?!” I sat there for a while and was just like, “..No.”

The custody ‘issue’ was settled Friday without going to court. My father now has soul custody of me.. Um.. Yay? I have no feelings right now it seems. I saw my old therapist on Friday. I had asked my father to make an appointment for me. So, I finally got to see him. It made me happy. When I came out, I was in a better mood. . He showed me my old test results from when I used to see him. I scored the very highest on my introvert level.. Not very high, the highest it goes. I also scored very high on shyness, hence shyness and introvert sort of go together. My peer insecurity was higher than stress from family issues, which he thought was odd. Well, family issues haven’t had a traumatic effect on me at all. I suppose that is a good thing, but it confuses people.

I had such chaotic dreams yesterday night.. Lots of killing and blood.. And something about a heart and zombies.. It was so messed up. I was crawling through a vent, in a video game almost. I was trying to get to the heart. Lots of fast paced and frantic stuff.. My dreams don’t usually contain so much blood and gore. TThen, I had a dream I was in a maze. There was a performance going on and I walked right in on one. The room kept spinning around and I kept losing my balance. I finally got out of that room though.. Then, I was in a room with an interesting man.. He was a writer or a critique. He looked at me very seriously and said, “Meghan, I want you to go up to him and ask what’s wrong with your writing. It cannot all be right and you need to fix it.” I almost started to cry. Not because of what he said, because he wasn’t listening to what I was saying as I was asking for his help.

I should probably post some pictures soon.. It’s just blank now.. XP

–Meghan

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As many know, I work in the dining room of a retirement center.  On weekends, some of the residents' adult offspring come to visit and join them at lunch. 

One of these visitors is a horrible woman who treats her parents like little kids.  Talks down to them, speaks for them, makes decisions for them as if they were incapable of making their own.  These are wonderful people who are perfectly capable of thinking for themselves, and it just makes me so mad to see them robbed of their dignity like that.  Especially when the person doing it is someone for whom they did everything.

I complained to the supervisor about her yesterday.  I don't know if anything can be done, though.  If she overheard me, she'll probably try to make trouble for me.  I don't care.  If she overheard me, at least she knows that someone saw what she does.  Not that it probably matters to her.

Anyway, just venting to get it out of my system as she'll probably be there again today.

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I have known my kids father for ten years. We've been in a relationship for about eight years. Together we have three children. Our kids are happy, well taken care of and very loved! However, their dad and I have never been so distant from each other. Both of us have made mistakes but he refuses to forgive me for doing something that he had also done in the past. Since then he has treated me so badly. He's not bitter, he's disgusted even though what I did happened almost 3 years ago. He's hypocritical and is determined to make me suffer for the rest of my life. He has told me so. There is no trust. He is absolutely controlling to the point where at times I cannot leave the house, check the mail or even answer the phone. These drastic things have only been going on for the past year but it seems like year after year it gets worse and worse. We live in a very nice home, the kids are in excellent schools and I don't want any of that to change. I am so miserable and desperate to get away from his abuse and control but I'm torn.

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I finally managed to put up an avatar that didn't look like a black smudge!  Yay!  I might actually be figuring out this tech stuff!  (Yeah, right)  I've been trying for a long time to get it and I finally did.

I'm still having some frustration in my personal and work life, but I think I'm finally starting to figure things out in that area, as well. 

Even a little progress is still progress.

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Today is going good everything seems right but that can be scary actualy because every time I have a good day the next is horrible. I hope im not right

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