So far, this is a hectic week.  I got up two hours early this morning just so I could have time for myself.  (As I typed that last sentence, I was interrupted by an IM) 

I've officially transferred from the dining room to housekeeping.  Housekeeping is much less stressful than food service.  The demand to be everywhere at once is no longer there.  I have time to care about details now and not have to rush around.  I actually have time to stop for a minute and give my attention to people who talk to me.  (I'm not really into idle conversation, but I don't like having to be impolite because I'm in a hurry, either) 

Today will probably be another exhausting day, though.  I'm working housekeeping and the dining room both this week.  I'm so ready to not have to work in the dining room.  I'm a lousy waitress because I can't keep up and people are so impatient.  It really stresses me out and leaves me completely worn-out.  I keep reminding myself that after this week, I won't have to mess with it.  Of course, I'm now the designated housekeeper who has to help out in the dining room for lunch shift when they're short-handed.  Hopefully, that won't be abused. 

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Well, I'm writing to state that I believe my self-esteem has risen greatly. I'm getting better at acknowledging that i'm good at stuff (like field hockey and violin) since i went to camps for them, and i'm also becoming an overall happier person. My stress is down a little now that school is out, my pessimism is almost completely down the drain, although i can be a little pessimistic at some times, weight training is doing great, i'm losing some weight!, headaches are practically gone, my ankle feels better although my back still hurts, i'm not so angry anymore, i haven't self injured in months although i think about it, i think i'm falling in love, and I think everything is just getting better and better ever since i came to this site! I just wanna thank everybody who has helped me so much. I wanna point out my best of friends, falis, donovan, Stelzare, and empowermentfitness and thank them for helping me soooo much this past year or so. Thanks again so much in aiding in my wonderful improvement! ^.^

FyreSakura 

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Depressed.  I know I'm sad, and I still have a hard time deciding what is a normal case of the blues, and what is a warning sign of depression.  The depression that is the opposite of mania is a black hole.  I've been there enough and don't want to go back.  Depression scares me, and it makes it hard for me to allow myself  to be sad.  I often find myself on the edge of tears, so sad or hurt, but stopping the feelings with an iron resolve because of the fear.  It sometimes seems as if I can't just let it go so that it doesn't build into a tumultuous storm.  Then, for no real reason, I can not hold back, and I'll splinter into fragments.  I can't do that right now, it's kind of hard to explain to a 4 year old…

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Okay, so my biggest issue is male infidelity.  I'm avoiding even meeting anybody because I just can't handle going through it again.  (Literally avoiding it.  I go to work and come home because I'm too scared of getting hurt again)

Anyway, one of my co-workers has been getting excessively friendly with another one of my co-workers.  At the end of the shift, they disappear.  Then his wife arrives.  It's a really uncomfortable situation.  It's also yet another example of the idea that there's no loyalty out there.

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last night i didn't fall asleep until 4am.

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Last night I watched "Knocked Up".  In this movie, the guy is an absolute pig and just bumbling through life.  Long story short, when she needs him the most, he steps up and comes through for her.  It left me thinking about relationships past.

When I had my daughter, my then husband left me alone in the delivery room.  All night.  I can't think of any moment where anyone in my life came through for me.  They have all flaked.  Which tells me that I'm a lousy judge of character.  So….. is there any way to know ahead of time how someone will act when you need them to be there for you?

Was it really unreasonable to expect my child's father to be in the delivery room with me?  Was it really unreasonable to refuse to go for long motorcycle rides after the driver had already wrecked the bike with me on it and refused to stop driving so fast?  (Also, when I finally could make sense of my surroundings after having rolled across the street like a soccer ball, he was checking on the bike and didn't even glance at me)

I could continue with a long list of how men in my life have failed me in ways like this.  Do men who will step up and be men even exist?

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Well - I am clearly out of my comfort zone!

 Currently, I am at my son's taking care of his 4 yr old, house, fish, dog, and sugargliders.  Sugargliders?  Who wants a pet that bites, is nocturnal, and hates everyone?  Humm…

 His house is lovely.  Big, solid, newly redone.  Big yard, fenced.  He's got a plasma tv wider than my car, every cable channel imaginable, ps3, gamecube, hiwifi, and every imaginable electrinic gadget that has come out.  He's a single parent, a well-paid electrician, and is in Alaska, our hometown, fishing.  He goes every year, and for the last few years has been the captian on his own fleet boat.  That earns him a pile of money.

 So — I WANNA GO HOME!!!  This is not a vacation, and I am not a townie!

Take care, GBA,

Loft

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Yay!  I was offered a full-time position at work today!  It's taken a long time, and I was ready to give up on this company.  I'm so happy!  I have the weekend to think about it and give them my answer on Monday.  But I'll say yes.  It will be with a different department and I'll have to re-learn everything like I'm starting over, but I'll actually be able to support myself.  And I won't have to leave all the people I've gotten to know and developed some affection for.  (I refuse to say the L word, in any context) 

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i am having some trouble with my heart, the doc said it has some thing to do with the cartilage between my ribcage. The ribcage has to expand so when you breath in the rig cage can expand The doc said I hurt that part of my cartilage so thats why there is so much pain in my chest.

He gave me a prescription for 600 mg of ibuprofen. After a while the pain goes away but after a while the pain comes back and it hurts like hell.

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It's been a while since I've been on.  I had a lot of soul-searching to do.  I've spent the last two months thinking…….

I've been pondering what part I played in the situation that brought me here, and what was simply out of my control (and therefore, out of my realm of responsibility)  Also still working on where to go from here.

This is the first time in my life that I haven't been simply able to dust myself off and move on.  I've been hurt many times before, but this is the first time that I've truly been knocked down.  It's not an experience I ever wish to repeat.  I've felt down on myself because I haven't recovered as quickly as I feel I should have.

I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here, and re-assessing my values because so many things just don't seem that important anymore. 

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  Because so many things seem trivial anymore, I'm having a hard time finding anything that I care enough about to make it a lifelong pursuit. 

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